To aim to put my baby to nursery at 12 months

[MD1803]

I have a 3 month old baby. I was at home with her until she was 2months old and now my husband is on shared parental leave. My aim is for her to go to nursery when she is around 12 months old but my husband is suggesting that she should stay at home longer. He has just been made redundant and will be receiving the minimum shared parental leave governmental rate as he is now, until the shared parental leave finishes, despite of the redundancy. He seem very keen not to return to work or possibly find a part time job. He is quite a bit older than me and I’m not sure how easy it will be for him to return to his current type of job if he starts with part time jobs in what ever area or even stays unemployed for extended period of time. Probably no need to mention that I earn more than him. Also I got pregnant before starting a new job hence I could only take short time off if we didn’t want to lose too much money. Of course I don’t want to put my baby to nursery too early if it was going to be detrimental to her but also feel the need to balance our future financial situation and life.

Him working part-time and him not returning to paid employment at all seem to be being lumped together as options, but I think they are actually quite different. If it's affordable and if he has realistic options for part-time work then that seems like an ideal compromise - having tried it both ways, it's a lot easier to have at least one parent not working full-time (for us personally the best balance is that we both work four days a week, but obviously that isn't possible or desirable for all families).

No issue with going to nursery or staying at home with parents at that age. We both worked compressed hours so DS had two days in nursery, one with grandma, and two at home with one of us. Seemed very happy with that.

If you think your DH is using this as a sneaky way to make himself into a permanent SAHD without your agreement, I might have second thoughts.

I wouldn’t want to take on being the sole breadwinner for potentially many years if your DH is trying to make himself unemployable due to a long career break (and I would say exactly the same if the sexes were reversed - this kind of decision needs to be a joint one, and the long term implications considered).

It would depend on his age, pension, and likelihood of finding work in the future. But you don’t want to be working your socks off to support him when your DC is 10, because he is now deskilled and can’t find work, just for the sake of an extra six months out of nursery.

@AllPlayedOut I don't think that babies form the same attachment to their keyworkers as they do their parents - though I do think that they can form strong and positive ones - but I also don't think that some time in childcare does anything to harm or undermine the secure attachment to parents, which is why I said I didn't think you have to choose between the positives of nursery and the positives of a secure attachment to a primary carer. A child clearly is going to spend more hours a week with that primary carer if they are in their sole care, but that doesn't mean that the bond is necessarily any stronger.

Your kid will be fine.

Some bizarre comments on here. Having a child in nursery doesn't mean you're not their primary caregiver. You're still there for every morning wake-up, nursery drop-off and pick-up, probably dinner and bath, and every bedtime, soothing them when they wake at night. Home is home. You're with them 24/7 at the weekend. You are the constant in their lives.

My eldest went to nursery from 16 months. He wasn't in a 'baby room' - he was in a stimulating environment with lots of toys and games, painting, activities, stories. Outside there was a playground and garden. He loved it. Our bond is fantastic, was before and remains so now he's at school.

Just do what works best for your family OP.

Your baby will be fine, whatever. Nursery is fine. Being home with a parent is fine. Of course, there are good and bad versions of all environments - a baby is better off at home than in a badly run nursery, better off at nursery than a harmful home environment.

Have you considered a childminder as well? Some babies do better in a home environment rather than nurseries, which can be a bit busier. In time you'll work out what your baby is like and what will work best.

You need to have a discussion with your DH about finances though. You sound like you don't want to be the main breadwinner, but you're the higher earner and he's just lost his job, so you don't have much choice. If you want him to find something full time so he's not dependent on you, you'll need to look at what this means for your family financially and practically. TBH it sounds nice that he wants to spend time with his child, he's not saying he'll never get another job, just a part time one.

You could always do a phased return and send the baby to nursery a few days a week or something, or try out having the baby home with DH and see how it goes. Basically, chill out and discuss it.

1 year olds don't get much out of nursery, they're better off at home.

Having said that, if you need to childcare, you need the childcare (I had one at nursery at that age). Wait and see, put them down and then see nearer the time if your husband is working, if not defer.

Nursery at 6 months or 9 11 12 24 or 36 , all are fine
if dad can be sahp and it works financially up to you both
Will you pay his pension contributions?

Nursery at 1 is absolutely fabulous. Both DS1 and DS2 started nursery at 12 months, part time as I went back to work part time.

I think that you are maybe generalizing there.

Thanks for the views. The main question for me is as per the original post. Is putting a 12 month old to nursery (I should’ve said full time) too early. The other points regarding my husband is the wider context for my decision making but the main question remains how do people feel about having a 12 month old in nursery full time.

Financially, after we pay childcare costs, we would be better off, albeit marginally, if we both work our current types of jobs. I’m talking after the SPL ends. Especially longer term. But I feel the decision we make now will impact the future longer term earning opportunities for my husband.

You'll have seen from the responses that this is a totally polarised issue, with lots of posters saying it's totally fine, they did it and their kids are fine, and others saying they never would and they believe it's harmful for the children (without any actual proof).

My DC have both gone full-time from 12 months because part-time wasn't an option for my job or DH job (medic, barrister). They are happy, well-adjusted, go to an amazing nursery, we are still their primary carers, no-one has suffered. The nursery is full of children who attend full-time. I think they have a much better time at nursery than they would at home actually.

I wouldnt fund a sahp.

I'd be looking for him to get at least part time work and seeing if you can manage childcare between you.

I feel the decision we make now will impact the future longer term earning opportunities for my husband

Yes that is absolutely true, and it's one of the main reasons why parents return to work rather than taking some time out. That's why you need to have a proper discussion about finances (in the longer term not just in the next year or so) with your husband.

Your DC will be fine in childcare at 12 months, but it is easier in many ways with one SAHP, but only if you can afford the financial hit.

No, not too early.
when I was having kids we only got 6 months maternity leave. My 2 had to go into childcare at that age. No choice along with everyone else.
my eldest did go a a lovely childminder for first 18 months which I thought was ideal as he was her only charge part for her own two elder children. She was lovely . But with second, eldest one in nursery and too complicated to have them in different places. Baby rooms in nurseries were very good though by then.

yes, I did work part time for a few years. I felt it was ideal and loved it. So I think this is worth looking at. But I had to go back full time as my husband lost his job …he started to look after them on my old part time days. But I found out he was basically dumping them in front of tv whilst he was still job hunting .so they went into nursery full time then. Sort of broke my heart a bit, but they didn’t seem to suffer. They’re mid/Late 20s and seem well balanced , emotional secure and confident individuals- I certainly never saw signs of separation anxiety your husband is alluding to! Maybe the short burst of tears when I left for first few days…and then they couldn’t wait to get there and more likely to cry when I picked them up 😱🤣🙄

Thanks for the views. The main question for me is as per the original post. Is putting a 12 month old to nursery (I should’ve said full time) too early. The other points regarding my husband is the wider context for my decision making but the main question remains how do people feel about having a 12 month old in nursery full time.

OP, No one can give you a definite answer for your question. You just have to do whats best for you.

There is nothing wrong with putting a child at nursery full time @ 12 months.

There is also nothing wrong with child being with a SAHP full time.

Do whats best for you and your household.

Your latest post is a little confusing, OP, because you say that your main question is whether it's OK to put a 12 month old in nursery full time, implying that you aren't so interested in opinions about whether it's right or wrong for one parent to become a SAHP.

But then you say But I feel the decision we make now will impact the future longer term earning opportunities for my husband which implies that it's not just about the 12mo in nursery issue and also about the wider picture re whether your husband should step back from his job.

I would say as a former Nursery Nurse that a 1 year old will benefit from Nursery .A lot of playing ,having fun painting and getting "messy" She will have fun! A more pressing issue seems to be your DH reluctance to consider working FT. I would go ahead with your plans .He may feel that he wants to be a SAHP .If you are happy with this all good .However if not you need a good heart to heart with him and discuss the options .Part time /SAHP may be desirable for a while as often LO will catch a lot of the nasties going round, and be unable to attend Nursery .He would then be able to care for her at home while you worked .Point out you would be viewing this as a temporary option only!

The question your asking in your reply is so personal no one can answer that for you.
I wouldn't have wanted my child going to nursery at that age and that's my decision.
A lot of people I know have had positive experiences sending their children to nursery. Everyone is different and circumstances are different.