To aim to put my baby to nursery at 12 months

[MD1803]

I have a 3 month old baby. I was at home with her until she was 2months old and now my husband is on shared parental leave. My aim is for her to go to nursery when she is around 12 months old but my husband is suggesting that she should stay at home longer. He has just been made redundant and will be receiving the minimum shared parental leave governmental rate as he is now, until the shared parental leave finishes, despite of the redundancy. He seem very keen not to return to work or possibly find a part time job. He is quite a bit older than me and I’m not sure how easy it will be for him to return to his current type of job if he starts with part time jobs in what ever area or even stays unemployed for extended period of time. Probably no need to mention that I earn more than him. Also I got pregnant before starting a new job hence I could only take short time off if we didn’t want to lose too much money. Of course I don’t want to put my baby to nursery too early if it was going to be detrimental to her but also feel the need to balance our future financial situation and life.

Depends on the baby. 12 months isn't a newborn no matter what emotive language some MumsNetters use and by then many really enjoy socialising with other children their age. And some don't, which should be taken into consideration.

Socialise is not exactly the term I'd used to describe the typical interactions between two 12 month olds and there are other opportunities for that. At that age, not a newborn but still very young, their carer/parent is a far more important figure in their lives than other children.

It isn't an option for everyone due to finances, mental health, damage to career prospects etc but if I could avoid it I'd try to avoid putting such a young child into child care. I've worked in it and I did not feel it was beneficial to such young children and sometimes it was actively detrimental.

But the great news is that you don't have to choose - babies who go to nursery can still have a main carer that they're securely attached to.

Oh whatever...The "don't put your kid at nursery and don't go back to work crew has arrived"

Do the maths even work out to pay for nursery if he is only going to be working part time?

The baby is only 3 months, he is the primary caregiver right now give him a break. He is still on parental leave for a while yet. If I was 3 months into maternity and had been made redundant I would not be looking for another full time position in a rush.

I never understand having children with people you don't trust or like.

Going to nursery at 12 months is unlikely to make any difference compared to staying at home - there’s no evidence of either benefit or disbenefit for most children. Do you think he’s using this as an excuse not to look for work?

My baby had to go at 16 weeks. Guess I'm a horrendous mother.

DT’s went to nursery full time from six months old (that was the maternity leave then). DH and I wanted to continue with our careers. We were always their main carers - nothing changes that. It worked brilliantly - great nursery with low staff turnover. Two of the staff became our babysitters.

Great you've obviously got strong opinions about this but politely- fuck off with your attitude

No you, not at all politely can fuck off. The OP asked for opinions and I'm giving mine. Yours is no more valid or important than mine. I'm not anti working parent at all, I was raised by one and I'm incredibly proud of her, but I'm not going to sugarcoat that I don't think it's generally beneficial to babies/young toddlers to be put into nursery if it's avoidable and activities and other nice extras aren't as important as a child feeling safe and secure with a main carer, which is optimal, and I would try to avoid it.

However we don't live in a perfect world and for reasons I mentioned earlier and others, it's not always possible or practical to avoid doing so and either way in the long term, said child whether they stay at home or go to nursery, will be fine and become a healthy, well adjusted individual. I doubt that anyone can tell which adults were placed in nursery as babies and which were raised by a SAHP.

I agree. I'd keep one of you at home if possible at such a young age

My dh was a sahd after similar circumstances. He stayed home until I had our next child. Next dc went into daycare earlier as we both went back to work.

Do what works for your family.

It probably depends on the ability and professionalism of the staff to some extent as well as on the child

Ours started well before twelve months and we are very happy with the care that they have received and with their development.

This is a really common dilemma, you just have the sexes reversed compared to the norm.

Neither of us wanted to give up work so our children went to nursery full-time from 10 months, and have both loved it (they're 4 and 2 now).

Others prefer the stability of a SAHP and take that route.

There's no right or wrong here, only what's right for your family.

A 1 year old is a toddler, NOT a tiny baby like someone above stated. It's absolutely fine is someone wants to not work and stay home instead with their toddler but honestly some of these comments are ridiculous bordering on hysterical.

I work a professional career as do all of my friends/colleagues. I work 5 days a week condensed into 4 while children do 1.5 days in nursery, and a day each with both Grandparents. They absolutely love nursery and Grandparents days. They are the happiest, most confident, gorgeous little kids you could ever meet. The other 3 days a week, plus every single evening is focused on doing quality things with them every second. I am absolutely their primary caregiver and we have an excellent bond and attachment.

Just because you're sat at home without paid employment doesn't mean you're doing quality things with your children. I'm a children's social worker, most the kids I see would be better off in nursery. Quality is better than quantity.

If its an option for your DH to stay at home to look after DD until she is 2 then I would definitely do it. There's loads of time for nursery. It's nice for your DH to have that time at home with DD too. You also won't have to worry about juggling childcare if your DD is unwell and can't attend nursery.

But the great news is that you don't have to choose - babies who go to nursery can still have a main carer that they're securely attached to.

It's really not the same. I've worked in baby rooms. The quality of care and attachment just isn't the same and it's impossible for it to be due to the nature of it but again that's assuming that there are no problems with the SAHP, that they have the option. aren't struggling with PPD, severe lack of sleep and other issues and if that's the case then nursery might be advisable.

best advise

What absolutely judgemental dated claptrap. That opinion belongs back in 1950.

DS went at 12mo 2 days a week, it was brilliant for him. He got the stimulation to really grow and loved other children. I worked part time so we still had those lovely days together. It depends on finances too though, nursery is expensive.

It is like many situations in reverse isn’t it? Where the Mum would prefer to stay at home. So the decision is - can you afford to live on just your wage, would you find it too much pressure being the sole breadwinner?

You may not get they outcome you want - which sounds like your DH gets a well paid full time job and then nursery makes sense. I guess just like many women don’t go back to full time well paid jobs.

Depends how career minded you are? Would it actually be nice to have DH at home, you’d never have to rush around, would he do all the cooking and cleaning? Would you be able to really progress your career?

Absolutely nothing wrong with nursery, my youngest was there full time from 6 months. Though both of us doing full time jobs was tough and I used to fling them through the door at 8am! Then pay £1,900 per month for it. Lots of stress trying to get back for pick up.

It has to be a joint decision really

Wow. I'm glad my husband didn't "refuse" me being a SAHM. I'm also glad I'm not in a marriage where this is even a possibility.

Is be doing a good job with her at the moment? Are you confident he’ll do a good job with her longer term? Are you resisting him staying out of paid work because you think he’s using it to avoid going back to paid work down the line? Is he supporting you working by doing as much around the house during your working hours so you can enjoy time with her when you’re off? Can you afford him to be at home compared to the high costs of childcare for an agreed period and then both agree to keep reviewing your arrangements?

If all is going well at the moment and he’s engaged, committed, you’re both feeling respected and supported in your different roles then it’s better for her to be at home with one of you. But you seem concerned about it so it’s worth exploring why that is. Whether it’s about her or the finances - both obviously valid.

Bollocks. Sorry but you're talking nonsense now.

As he is older than you if this is his only chance of having a child and doing one-on-one care then leave him to it until she is older.

There is a difference between a 3 month old, a 6 month old and a 9 month old. When she is 9 months and going everywhere he may decide going to work at least PT is easier.

My DP - same age - but we are in our 40s, worked PT until our DD was hit her 3rd birthday. He looked after her 2 days a week. He did go back to working PT when she was 10 months old though.

Oh and we used a CM not nursery as we wanted consistency of care. We now use both, and she loves both for different reasons.

Bollocks. Sorry but you're talking nonsense

You really don't like people disagreeing with you, do you? You'll just have to live with it I'm afraid because I'll continue to state my opinion whether you care for it or not. Of course the bond and care isn't going to be the same with multiple babies to look after by people who aren't their parents but it's fine. They'll still have their needs met in nursery.

Also, please stop with the faux politeness, would you? There's no need for the pretence, especially when you're in the middle of telling me to fuck off.