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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a little effort in bed????

56 replies

MixedMarriageMadness · 21/06/2022 11:20

So apologies in advance - it is a sex one!! And for full disclosure I have just changed my name as a previous post of mine is outing.

I am 40 and my husband is 49, he is fit and healthy and very handsome and after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids we are still very much attracted to one another and have a healthy sex life.

However, my husband is all about the penetration and the bit that gets us to that part is now so repetitive that I know exactly what he will do and when he will do it.

Last night out of pure boredom and frustration I started to narrate our foreplay. Initially it was very playful but then DH got pissed off decided that he was not in the mood. This morning he told me that I belittled him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I asked him if he was not surprised that I knew what he would do each time and he walked off. I had to laugh because he typically is not one that 'strops' but he know I am right.

Would IBU to ask him to change it up. I often try and do different things that he likes so I am not sure why he has developed this routine with me.

I have to say he is a model husband in all other areas and I have the best marriage but have I broken some unspoken law here??

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/06/2022 11:23

Honestly? I can understand wanting to sometimes have things be a little different. But narrating what is going on is likely to make him uncomfortable and self conscious - it might do the opposite to what you want.

Have you told him what you want when you’re out of bed?

luxxlisbon · 21/06/2022 11:23

It sounds like you’ve gone about this in the complete wrong way and made him feel awful. Even laughing at him the next day because he was upset.

Have a respectful, adult conversation.

Kittykat93 · 21/06/2022 11:25

Yeah it's crap when you can literally predict each move before they do it 🤣 (ok now he's going to grope my boobs, then he's going to run his hand down, then he will do this etc etc) I think you just need to keep saying you'd like to switch it up sometimes. If you start by doing something different he may follow your lead.

I feel you though.

NippyWoowoo · 21/06/2022 11:25

why would you not have just asked him to change what he does instead of what you did? why do you need to ask if you should ask, do you expect people to say no?

Dotjones · 21/06/2022 11:27

You need to find a way to discuss it without embarrassing him and without laughing at him. If you've let him get into a particular habit it's partly your fault and you shouldn't blame him for doing what he thought you wanted.

Try taking more control during sex and direct things yourself more.

Thebig3 · 21/06/2022 11:52

I really feel sorry for your poor husband. If you are so fed up with the predictability of sex why haven't you spoken to him about it? How is he supposed to know if you don't speak to him. Narrating it and then laughing about it the next day is awful, how would you have felt if he had done that to you?

Speak to him about it properly and also apologies for the way you treated him last night!

Regularsizedrudy · 21/06/2022 12:17

Foreplay is a two person thing, you also have the option to change things up if you want. Do you just lie there and let him do things to you?

SueSaid · 21/06/2022 12:22

'Last night out of pure boredom and frustration I started to narrate our foreplay. Initially it was very playful but then DH got pissed off decided that he was not in the mood. This morning he told me that I belittled him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough.'

I'm not surprised he got pissed off. Imagine if he narrated what he thought you were going to do!

If you're bored, he is bored. It's up to both of you to do something about it.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2022 12:25

Yep, you messed up there. And why can't you mix it up yourself? It sounds like he's doing all the work from what you've written.

Aprilx · 21/06/2022 12:27

Yes I think that was a really nasty way of going about things. I am not surprised he felt belittled, anyone would.

namechange30455 · 21/06/2022 12:28

You actually sound really nasty.

Why is your first thought to laugh at and belittle your husband rather than having a conversation with him?

ZigZagZen · 21/06/2022 12:28

Of course its fine to want something different. But you handled it awfully. There's so many other ways that you could have confronted this without hurting his feelings and you getting what you wanted.

Whispering into his ear what you want during foreplay.
Having an open conversation about it not during sex or foreplay.
Initiate doing something different.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/06/2022 12:29

YANBU to want to change things up but you went about it in a very cruel and unhelpful way. How would you feel if he did the same to you?

DSGR · 21/06/2022 12:30

I think you’ve been mean and you should apologise. Are you really that amazing in bed yourself?
if you want to switch it up then do so.. but talk to him nicely.

ColourfulOnesie · 21/06/2022 12:33

Wow you treated him horribly!

Maybe show your husband a little respect?

HotHeatDays · 21/06/2022 12:34

Last night out of pure boredom and frustration I started to narrate our foreplay. Initially it was very playful but then DH got pissed off decided that he was not in the mood. This morning he told me that I belittled him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough.'

Don't blame him for getting pissed off. If you said your DH had done this to you he would be being called all the names under the sun.

Pyewhacket · 21/06/2022 12:47

So you took the piss out of him in the bedroom department and then laughed at him ? Nice !.

MegaClutterSlut · 21/06/2022 12:49

Wow that was a shitty way of going about things. That's one way to give him a complex. You should've spoken to him before hand, not done a narrative in the moment. You acted a bit twatty imo

RevoltingHumanHead · 21/06/2022 12:50

Nothing wrong with wanting to inject a bit of variety into proceedings but your approach was very insensitive. Anyone would withdraw if they felt they'd been mocked like that.

GiltEdges · 21/06/2022 12:52

You're a bully.

HTH

User354354 · 21/06/2022 12:52

You approached this all wrong.

It was a very mean and bellittiling way to go about it.

An adult conversation about how you were feeling would have most likely sorted this.

If this happened to me it would really shake my sex confidence.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/06/2022 12:52

I think that's a terrible thing to say to your DH in the middle of it, I would have been devastated if someone said that to me.
I would have picked a good time and place to mention it or taken the lead in bed myself.

10HailMarys · 21/06/2022 13:09

Absolutely fine to ask him for what you want in bed, but 'narrating your foreplay' was a vile thing to do. Really horrible.

Also, what have you been doing all this time while he performs his foreplay routine? Just lying there waiting for him to do things to you? Why haven't you been taking the lead if you want something different?

|All you had to do was tell him something you'd like him to do, or take a bit of control and steer things in a different direction. You didn't have to lie there for years being bored and saying nothing and then suddenly decide to tell him he's shit in bed by 'narrating your foreplay'. How fucking passive-aggressive was that? If a partner did what you did to me I'd probably never want sex with them again.

Naunet · 21/06/2022 13:09

Thebig3 · 21/06/2022 11:52

I really feel sorry for your poor husband. If you are so fed up with the predictability of sex why haven't you spoken to him about it? How is he supposed to know if you don't speak to him. Narrating it and then laughing about it the next day is awful, how would you have felt if he had done that to you?

Speak to him about it properly and also apologies for the way you treated him last night!

Maybe because it’s pretty fucking obvious to anyone with a nut in their head, that repeating exactly the same thing time after time is boring? He got lazy, yes OP could have gone about it in a better way, but what did he expect?! Did he think he was doing a good job, or did he not really care?

balalake · 21/06/2022 13:10

Quite right to object, want something different, not sure you went about it the best way though.

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