To want a little effort in bed????

[MixedMarriageMadness]

So apologies in advance - it is a sex one!! And for full disclosure I have just changed my name as a previous post of mine is outing.

I am 40 and my husband is 49, he is fit and healthy and very handsome and after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids we are still very much attracted to one another and have a healthy sex life.

However, my husband is all about the penetration and the bit that gets us to that part is now so repetitive that I know exactly what he will do and when he will do it.

Last night out of pure boredom and frustration I started to narrate our foreplay. Initially it was very playful but then DH got pissed off decided that he was not in the mood. This morning he told me that I belittled him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I asked him if he was not surprised that I knew what he would do each time and he walked off. I had to laugh because he typically is not one that 'strops' but he know I am right.

Would IBU to ask him to change it up. I often try and do different things that he likes so I am not sure why he has developed this routine with me.

I have to say he is a model husband in all other areas and I have the best marriage but have I broken some unspoken law here??

That was incredibly mean. There are better ways to communicate without belittling the person that you love. You owe him an apology

That was a really cruel way to address the issue.

Mocking your sexual partner’s performance is a fast way to kill off your sex life. I don’t think I could come back from that.

Your not wrong for wanting a change... however YOU also could of took charge and took the lead...why didn't you?

You did a really shitty thing OP.

Only shitty lovers belittle their partners.

Be honest OP, if he mocked your skills in the bedroom and intimated you were boring, predictable and insufficient, how would you feel?

There a world of a difference between discussing you would like change or to try new things or to liven it up a bit and what you did.

It's totally demeaning and was an absolutely horrible approach to take.

You owe him a huge apology. If anyone did that to me in bed, it would be the last time.

Can you spice things up ? A quicky in the garden or the countryside even somewhere at home that is a little unusual for you , or maybe role play or you take change.

I'd be really wounded if my partner had done that with me.

No pleasingsome people at least your having sex.

So you change it then that gets boring. Where does it end.

If anything were to happen to your partner/husband tomorrow what you have just posted would be so trivial.

YABU. Narrating having sex? Then laughing at him the next day?

Ground for divorce.

I read that and I was cringing for you. That was a really shitty way of treating your DH. I think you need to apologise and then have a proper conversation.

YANBU things should absolutely not be the same everytime else anyone would get bored very quickly.

However, the way you approach it needs to be very sensitive.

I think you were very rude and if I was him I’m not sure I’d want to forgive you for it.

Instead of narrating him - why didn’t you ask if he could do X or Y instead?
Or talk about it at a different time and say if like to try new things.

He may stick to the same routine thinking you enjoy it - unless you tell him otherwise how is he meant to know (yes common sense should come into it but it hasn’t so you need to be more vocal and less patronising).

If you did that to me I'm not sure I could come back from it.
Incredibly cruel and belittling. Unpleasant behaviour.

You need to apologise to your husband and hope that he wants to have sex with you again.

Reverse

I see all your points and respect them. In my defence (and my fault for not stating it) I have spoken to him about it before. I told him only a few weeks ago that it has turned in to a routine and he said it was not that bad.

It was probably the third time I had mentioned it and for Valentines day I got him a gift that had loads of new ideas in a pot as he requested I help him out.

So I have tried.

I do admit that laughing at his strop was wrong and I have apologised to him. I really don't mind holding my hands up to that.

What does 'Reverse' mean?

It means that sometimes the poster is so unreasonable they cannot seriously be asking if they were in the wrong. So perhaps they have reversed it and so in this case, that poster is wondering if it was actually your husband that was belittling to you rather than the other way around.

@MixedMarriageMadness "I got him a gift that had lots of new ideas in a pot".......struggling to figure out what this means.

Would you consider the fact that you may be as much as fault for the poor sex life as he is?

Why can't you take the lead and changes things? Why can't you initiate what you want and see how he responds? Why can't you give him direction and guide him.

He's not a mind reader and giving him a pot full of suggestions seems bizarre & a bit of a cop out.

What next a copy of the Karma Sultra where you've highlighted the bits you would like him to read?

You need to actually initiate and take charge. It's not just down to him. Ridiculing him certainly won't help.

What you did was cruel, pure and simple. There is no defense.

LTB. The B is you

??

If you want to do sth different then do it!

Are you lying back and thinking of England? 🤣

I feel for the poor guy, you mocking him like that.

Would he describe you as a top notch thrilling lover?

First apologise.

There’s a great book called Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex that amongst other things talks about sex ‘scripts’. People can get stuck in the same script but you can come up with new ones and play them out. You could read it together.

Alternatively, if you know what you want, try dominating him. Take the lead!

I'm with @Naunet , maybe nobody else has experienced this particular phenomena. Sounds like he's not really interested in making her happy and the sex is all about him getting what he wants from her body while avoiding any real intimacy or connection. That happens when you have a nice body, every guy wants to do stuff with your body and never cares who inhabits it, their hopes and dreams etc.

Also, by the way guys, the OP says she takes the lead at times and switches things up for her hubby but you all conveniently ignored that point and laid in anyway.

The hubby got exactly what he deserves. He's lucky she's still sleeping with him at all. I wouldn't sleep with him anymore, it'd be more fun and meaningful taking care of your own needs! Fuck putting all that thought and effort in and getting some mechanical routine in return!