To want a little effort in bed????

[MixedMarriageMadness]

So apologies in advance - it is a sex one!! And for full disclosure I have just changed my name as a previous post of mine is outing.

I am 40 and my husband is 49, he is fit and healthy and very handsome and after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids we are still very much attracted to one another and have a healthy sex life.

However, my husband is all about the penetration and the bit that gets us to that part is now so repetitive that I know exactly what he will do and when he will do it.

Last night out of pure boredom and frustration I started to narrate our foreplay. Initially it was very playful but then DH got pissed off decided that he was not in the mood. This morning he told me that I belittled him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I asked him if he was not surprised that I knew what he would do each time and he walked off. I had to laugh because he typically is not one that 'strops' but he know I am right.

Would IBU to ask him to change it up. I often try and do different things that he likes so I am not sure why he has developed this routine with me.

I have to say he is a model husband in all other areas and I have the best marriage but have I broken some unspoken law here??

What you did was cruel, pure and simple. There is no defense.

This is it exactly. I'm shocked anyone could behave like this to someone they care about.

You've fucked up there OP. Basically you've taken the piss out of his sexual performance, how would you feel if he did that to you? You owe him a massive apology.

Thanks all - I have to say that MN is ruthless. I admitted fault, I admitted I went around it the wrong way but I am finding time and time again that MN is not about helping others or kindness it is about judgement and trying to instil shame in to people.

I know I went about it the wrong way and freely admitted that. And to those who read between the lines and mentioned that I am just tired of it always being about the penetration that is exactly it. I did not have malicious intentions I was just getting really down and frustrated that he was not listening to me.

I love changing things up, being spontaneous and making him feel good but deep down his lacklustre approach to foreplay has started to hurt me.

Had a really great chat with DH last night, he admitted he was surprised that I knew exactly what he would do and when and it was a wake up call for him and he accepted my apology (which most of you will be horrified at I am sure).

People make mistakes out of frustration, I very much doubt there is one saint on here that has never inadvertently hurt someone. When someone realises the error of their ways and is remorseful we should offer kindness not pour more judgement on them.

I am lucky that I have thick skin but you might just say something to someone not as strong as me and your words may in-fact be the last straw.

I am leaving MN it is toxic and so far from being uplifting, which is a shame because there are some real diamonds on here!

@MixedMarriageMadness

I'm glad you spoke to DH & apologised, and hopefully you can find a way to communicate together about what you both want in relation to sex

While I agree MN can be ruthless & excessively harsh (there's a thread at the moment about a poster who eats excessively in secret, and the comments in some cases have been utterly horrific), I don't agree it's the case here.

You are lucky your DH accepted your apology.

What you did was unspeakably cruel & demeaning, regardless of your own frustration or the fact you'd raised it before.

Sex is about intimacy & vulnerability. If someone had done to me what you did to your DH, apology or not, I would find it nearly impossible to recreate that intimacy.

For me, it went far further than saying something wrong, or making a 'mistake'. You are correct, we all do this. I think toy should reflect on the capacity you had to cause such hurt & your initial response being to laugh at his unhappiness.

I think you will need to rebuild that trust.

In this case MN got it right & it isn't evidence of a toxic environment.

So it is not toxic to continue to berate a person even after they have held their hands up and admitted they are wrong?

Had I not admitted I was unreasonable then I could understand it, but you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I have always laughed in stressful situations, it is my way of coping, I know it isn't right but it has stemmed from a traumatic experience and my go to emotion. I agree with you that I am extremely lucky the my DH has put it to bed and doesn't agree that this is the end of the world.

Regardless of anything I appreciate the responses.

So it is not toxic to continue to berate a person even after they have held their hands up and admitted they are wrong?

You're right, this isn't ok.

However I didn't get the sense of you really getting what an unacceptable line you crossed, in your replies.

It's way more than being 'unreasonable'.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic but something like this would shatter me - being mocked & laughed at as you did.

But the important thing is you've talked to your husband & you are both resolving the matter. That's a great outcome regardless of your views on the thread, or what anyone here thinks. Good luck 💐