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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this shaken up by my daughter being sick?

95 replies

emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:21

I am severely emetophobic. This is embedded in awful trauma memories for me from childhood.

My toddler DD has just vomited all over the kitchen floor - I froze and DH sprung into action and helped her, then lay kitchen towel over it and told me to go upstairs and he would bath her and clean the floor. I'm currently sitting in my bedroom shaking and crying. I'm a fucking useless mother. If I'd been alone with her I'd have had to cope somehow, so what the fuck is wrong with me?! I literally froze and couldn't get my breath, just started shaking and sobbing, whilst my poor baby vomited everywhere. 😭

Please someone tell me I'm not alone with this awful phobia. How can I be a good mum like this? 😓

OP posts:
DrunkAndAlone2 · 19/06/2022 21:22

This reply has been deleted

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Tigofigo · 19/06/2022 21:24

You're a good mum, just have a phobia.

Can I suggest, if you know the root of your phobia, Havening? I've heard people cure phobias in literally minutes.

Hankunamatata · 19/06/2022 21:24

I'm very similar. Had to overcome it as dh worked away. I found nose plug made the world of difference as mine was mainly smell triggered. Kids still laugh as I have nose clip of anyone is sick.

BlackTourmaline · 19/06/2022 21:25

You have a phobia, be kind to yourself. You are not a bad mum.

Onlyhuman123 · 19/06/2022 21:28

Have you considered hypnotherapy to help with the phobia? Horrible for you to have to deal with but you're not a bad mum just because you have a phobia. [Flowers]

Beachsidesunset · 19/06/2022 21:29

My husband has a deep phobia of dog faeces due to childhood trauma. One day he was alone in the house when our dog diarrhoeaed everywhere. He cleaned it up and later said it was good I wasn't there as it forced him to confront it. It was a turning point for him.

SuziSecondLaw · 19/06/2022 21:29

You are absolutely NOT a useless mother.

I used to have emetophobia, I know exactly how hard it is. When my eldest dc's were little (they're teens now) their dad did all vomit related activities, that's just how it had to go. The one time my dd threw up on her duvet when her dad wasn't there, I literally grabbed the entire duvet and put it in the wheelie bin outside 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would say though, please get help for it. Life is significantly easier without this awful phobia. 💐

TinaYouFatLard · 19/06/2022 21:29

I have been where you are. It gets better (or worse, depending on how you frame it). Being a parent to toddlers/young children is like exposure therapy. They puke sometimes. We learn to deal with it as best we can.

I coped by being stocked up with latex gloves, detox, puppy pads (to lay next to their beds in case of night sick) etc. I felt better being prepared.

You’ll be okay and you are not a bad mum.

tiredanddangerous · 19/06/2022 21:30

You're not a bad mum op. You do however need to resolve this before you pass the phobia on to your child. Have you sought help for it?

PietariKontio · 19/06/2022 21:30

I'd look at the positives - you're in a relationship with someone who understands and supports you and you're aware of where the phobia stems from. Next, look into getting some support and possibly therapy. It is totally feasible that you can overcome this, or at least reduce its impact.
And no, you're not a bad parent, you've got a serious phobia, and, noone least of yourself, should judge you for it

Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:31

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have tried CBT in the past but it didn't really help as my trauma is very deeply embedded, it didn't touch the surface really. And I can't do graded exposure - when the therapist suggested watching videos of people vomiting as part of the therapy I burst into tears and said no way. I just can't. I feel really stuck with it. I want to learn to face it so I can be a better mum when my little one is sick. The 2 times she's properly vomited my DH has been around to take over. What if he wasn't? I'd have to cope. And this scares me as my instinct is freeze or flight. 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:34

Beachsidesunset · 19/06/2022 21:29

My husband has a deep phobia of dog faeces due to childhood trauma. One day he was alone in the house when our dog diarrhoeaed everywhere. He cleaned it up and later said it was good I wasn't there as it forced him to confront it. It was a turning point for him.

I think the same would probably happen if I was forced to deal with it alone. I know for a fact I wouldn't leave my DD - I'd have to face it to be able to help her. Maybe that's what it's going to take.

OP posts:
BanjoVio · 19/06/2022 21:37

I get it OP, I really do. I once had to leave a double A Level lesson because one of them said they were going to be sick and he wouldn’t leave the room. Proceeded to have a panic attack in the loos crying, shaking, hyperventilating with pins and needles in my face and limbs. I couldn’t go back in the room. It doesn’t make me a bad teacher or you a bad mother because dealing with sick is not where teaching or parenting begins and ends, is it?

Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:42

@BanjoVio I'm so sorry Flowers😞 It's an absolutely awful and debilitating phobia isn't it. I'd have reacted the same as you in that situation - my instinct too is to just get away. The panic rises and I can't breathe, the shaking starts and everything inside me is screaming "get away". But it's a horrible contradiction when it's my baby as I don't want to get away from my sick child. She needs me when she's sick. It's such a horrible contradiction and it breaks my heart in two 😓 But you're right it's not the whole of me as a mother.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 19/06/2022 21:46

You would have coped if alone with her, I have had too several times, it is a awful phobia but when I have too I jump into action, clean up, settle dc and then cry and shake. For me it’s the worry of catching the bug and being sick myself, often my body deals with this by emptying via the other end 😬.

my dc are now older but I feel a lot of guilt for how I handle situations when they were ill. I have ever been able to allow them into my bed, they would have to stay in their room with a bucket whilst I lie in my room crying, shaking and dreading them being sock again. It does get easier as they get older but yes, it’s a horrid phobia.

oopsfellover · 19/06/2022 21:49

You’re not useless, you have a phobia. And a supportive partner, thankfully. Go easy on yourself. Hope your DD is ok!

inacuppa · 19/06/2022 21:51

OP search for Anna Mathur. She is a psychotherapist and a mother who overcame emetophobia recently .
A bad mum would not worry whether they were a bad mum 💐

Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:52

Thanks everyone, such lovely replies.
DD seems absolutely fine now, whatever it was seems short lived. May just have been something she ate for tea that didn't agree with her rather than a bug. Keeping everything crossed that's the case anyway 🤞🏻 My anxiety is horrific when sickness bugs are going around 😓

OP posts:
Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 21:53

@inacuppa thank you I will look her up x

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 19/06/2022 21:53

My mum has this phobia and I never fully realised until recently. It mainly manifested as telling us not to over eat and not get drunk as teenagers. My dad who never really helped with anything in the house was the parent who dealt with vomit. I did have a mild fear of vomit myself, as a result of my mum's attitude, but have overcome it through exposure and experience that it's not all that bad. So don't worry you aren't a bad mum. It's just one of those things. If you are otherwise loving your child may never even really know.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/06/2022 22:01

Children can also vomit when they're choking. Or choke on vomit.

Could you try thinking that she needs you to make sure she's not asphyxiating as a first step? Once you've established she isn't at risk of dying, perhaps the actual consoling and clean up wouldn't appear so terrifying?

Badgirlriri · 19/06/2022 22:03

Shaking and crying.

Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 22:04

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I would never allow my child to be at risk of choking, on anything, vomit or otherwise. Like i said, fortunately my DH has been present both times it has happened so far and so I haven't needed to take control. If he wasn't, I would have to. And I would. I would never leave my child in an unsafe situation, even it meant facing my worst fears. Of that I am certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
emetophobicmum · 19/06/2022 22:05

@Badgirlriri

???

OP posts:
Snowdropsarelovely · 19/06/2022 22:11

Something that might help you with the smell if you are alone with your daughter is a special powder that you can get on Amazon – you sprinkle it over the vomit and it instantly neutralises the older, and means you can brush it up. I know that would still be really difficult for you but it might help a bit with the cleaning up process!

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