To feel this shaken up by my daughter being sick?

[emetophobicmum]

I am severely emetophobic. This is embedded in awful trauma memories for me from childhood.

My toddler DD has just vomited all over the kitchen floor - I froze and DH sprung into action and helped her, then lay kitchen towel over it and told me to go upstairs and he would bath her and clean the floor. I'm currently sitting in my bedroom shaking and crying. I'm a fucking useless mother. If I'd been alone with her I'd have had to cope somehow, so what the fuck is wrong with me?! I literally froze and couldn't get my breath, just started shaking and sobbing, whilst my poor baby vomited everywhere. 😭

Please someone tell me I'm not alone with this awful phobia. How can I be a good mum like this? 😓

Please don't think yourself a bad mother. You have a phobia, I'm really frightened of spiders and have always worried one would crawl on my daughter and I might drop her. You really shouldn't beat yourself up about this. You're a good mum.

I have had emmetophobia for 17 years since my daughter was 2.
It rules and ruins my life..
Keep calm and if it is a bug if will be over soon
I get you

It's amazing what we can do when there is no alternative. I suppose I'm emetophobic - I run for the hills and have a meltdown if anyone throws up. Absolutely can't handle it, whatever the cause. Thankfully my daughters were hardly ever sick when they were little. One time I had to deal with it as my DH was away and a tummy bug actually got them both. The only one that ever did. It was awful but I got through it. Got one using a bucket and the other a loo and so cleanup was minimal. Always good to keep an empty bucket handy and a fresh pair of rubber gloves. Disinfectant is your friend it neutralises the acid and stops that awful smell.

It's just accepted in our house that human sick is not my job. I can do dog sick and all forms of human and animal waste, but not chunder. My husband would just get on with it if needed. Thankfully it's been a few years.

Don't beat yourself up about it, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and I'm sure
If you had absolutely no choice you'd give yourself a talking to and do your best

Do you feel ready for therapy for the trauma? If you know it's connected to trauma then exposed work probably isn't what you need, but you may instead need specialist trauma work (EMDR?)

You're clearly a lovely mum, don't beat yourself up x

My daughter has emet, triggered by someone vomiting in a theme park. She never went to a theme park , play park or anything like it again, she missed out on loads as a child.

Her fear was so bad that she would avoid leaving our hotel room on holidays abroad as people tended to stuff themselves at the all inclusive and she was convinced someone would vomit. Even the sound of someone being sick would render her helpless with panic.

The only way she overcame it was facing her fear when she got a job in a hospital in A and E where vomiting was fairly common. It's still there to some extent but much more manageable.

Graded exposure but much more gradual starting with sound then sight would probably help x

I have been severely emetophobic for 40 years. One of my grandchildren vomited in front of me and I screamed and ran upstairs in a full in panic attack. I then had hypnotherapy - I think 3 sessions - and whilst I will never embrace vomiting, I can actually deal with it now, so would highly recommend exploring this as an option. But you are definitely not a shit mother - it's a horrible phobia to have

Would thinking through the practical steps for dealing with it help.
Step 1) Pour cat litter or body fluid crystals over the vomit. This will absorb the liquid and mean you can hover it up (if you have a work horse Henry, maybe not if you have a posh hoover) or sweep it up later without getting too close. Instead of hands and knees with kitchen towel like your partner.

2. Put your DC in the dry bath, strip, wipe her down with a face cloth and change her. Leaving any soiled bedding and clothing in the bath, turn bath on and soak them.

3. Changing bedding or making a bed on the sofa, I always have an old duvet made up ready to be put straight into action if bedding gets soiled, much better then wrestling with duvet covers. Put old towels on the bed which can either be washed or binned if you can't deal with them.

OP, you are not a bad mother! I'm as phobic as you are (but can't even pinpoint why) and always have been. @WakeyCakeyHeart I was like your daughter as a child, and missed out on so much as a result (wouldn't go on roundabouts, wouldn't go swimming as someone once v'd in the changing rooms, etc, etc). One reason I took so long to get divorced is that I was too afraid to have to deal with v. on my own.

But I did have to deal with it when XH was away, and I managed. As @Singleandproud says, it helped to be super-organised and prepared. I too had an entire spare set of bedding under my bed, in case the need arose. I'm afraid I put anything that had been v'd on in a bin bag and threw it in the black bin. Rubber gloves were also in a special place 'just in case'. I used to have panic attacks every single night at the thought that one of the DC might v in the night. I still do worry about it when they're at home (they are students now).

So no solutions, but solidarity.

Oh I hear you. I was/am an emetophobe too. My kids thankfully are rarely sick. When they are, my husband deals. He gets vomit, I get poo-splosions. That’s the deal.

There have been a few times though when I’ve had no option but to step up in a vomiting emergency though. My 8 year old was sent home after vomiting in school a few weeks ago. My husband was working in the living room with her so that he could jump up and help if she needed to be sick (I was working upstairs). But then he had to go on to an online meeting for an hour so I said I’d sit with her so that he could do the meeting upstairs and focus on it.

Well. The minute he left the room, the vomiting started. It was awful and unpleasant but…I coped. I held her hair and soothed her (she finds it really traumatic), rinsed the bowl. I didn’t show any fear or revulsion (even though I felt it).

it’s horrible but as you said, it’s your baby and they need you, so you know you have to just face it. My phobia is definitely not as strong as it was before. the exposure definitely helps.

I did however dump her soiled school uniform straight into the bin, rather than attempt to rescue it. Husband was not best pleased about that

As others have said do consider hypnotherapy. I was terrified of driving (would cry and hyperventilate turning the key in the car) and now I have passed a test and drive happily on motorways. Somewhere in me I know that it is scary and horrible, but I can just deal with it anyway, and a good hypnotherapist can give you those tools. Until then - toddlers vomiting is horrible, let's agree that. It's also such a shock for them. Maybe have a plan in place if it does happen when you're alone? I am not emetophobic but my plan went like this:
Move toddler away from bed / soft furnishings. On a chair in the bathroom or kitchen if possible. Water to sip, sweets to suck maybe and importantly the tv on showing extremely calming / favourite cartoons. Cuddles and checking what might be really wrong with them. If they seem calm enough, then do a bit of cleaning up. But look after the kid first.

@Geneviev TOTALLY throw away clothes that are too soiled to cope with. Like pooey pants / drenched socks on a day out in town

Shaking and crying is a bit much. Especially considering your dh was there to clean it all up and you had to do nothing
Get some treatment. This is no way to live. You have a kid. They vomit. And living your lifr stiffof anxiety is no way to live op. Not for you and definitely not for your kid. Your fear might become hers as she'll think that your reaction is normal....

My mum was the same when we were kids. Her sickness phobia stemmed from being told off when she herself was sick as a child. She was told she was dirty.

Unfortunately, that meant whenever we were unwell we were isolated from the entire family. Made to feel really bad.

Please make sure you don’t make your child feel this way. Recently, my own child was feeling unwell and to my horror, she begged me for a cuddle. It didn’t occur to me to cuddle her because of how my mother treated us.

Hi OP

You are not in any way a bad mum.

*she wont remember
*she had a parent helping her
*its an absolutely tiny snapshot of her life

Absolutely everyone in the whole world has a parenting nightmare at some point. Mine was in lockdown when I swore at my child. I don't think there is a person alive who hasn't felt similarly. I remember family members having shit parenting / grandparenting moments with me (when I was old enough to remember). I still love them,it didn't change our relationship for the worse, and it made me realise they were human.

I get you. I am the same, well nearly the same. My fear of it is such that I wouldnt be able to trust anyone else to clean it up properly so I always forced myself to clean up mess but my DH had to be with the child when they vomited. My children are grown up now but the phobia is just as powerful in me. The last time I had to clear up any mess, about 8 years ago, I did find it sort of helpful to say over and over again to myself as I did it 'it's just food, it's just food.' As I say, that did sort of help because, whilst vomit is horrid, the food it started out as is not. I don't know if you get what I am saying.

Moving forward, you will probably develop some similar coping techniques. Always have rubber gloves and disposable cloths (old towels are best) in the house. If you find yourself alone with the baby, you will cope because you have to. And dont beat yourself up about it. I know that feeling too! But you just have to be the best you can be.

I'm etetophobiic, I had to train ds to manage himself if he was sick from being young. The only time I have had to clear it up I covered it in shaving foam & then kitchen roll which blocked the sight & smell of it.

One of my best friends from uni had this. It was horrendous and she’d never come out to pubs/bars with us because if it. She saw a guy in London called Felix Economakis. She said he was amazing and she’s fine with it now. Doesn’t love it, but can now deal with it totally normally.

I’m emetophobic too, OP. For me, it’s the act if vomiting that I can’t witness, I can deal with the clean-up.

When my children were young, I would leave them with a bucket and cower in another room while they were being I’ll or DH would stay with them. Then I’d put on my rubber gloves and be able to clean up. I know what the phobia stems from, I just can’t seem to shake it!

You’re not a bad Mum, I’ve muddled through somehow and my children are teens now. They find it funny, one of Mum’s daft traits, so don’t worry that your DD will judge you for it. Occasionally mine have teased me by pretending they’re going to be sick…. Little stinkers. 😂

Emetophobe here. I did two pregnancies without being sick (even though I felt dreadful), and have have had noro and not been sick either. The thought of a sickness bug entering the house fills me with dread, and if I hear that another child was sick at school I will instantly want to know how close my child was and whether it’s likely they will catch it.

it has got better with time and necessity tbf. My first child had terrible reflux and extreme car sickness so I was constantly being covered in sick, but about 3 years ago DH went away on business and left me with two kids taking it in turns to vomit (the first vom came just as he got on a plane to Singapore). It was a tough few days but I’m ok now (also as the kids have got bigger and can get to the toilet most of the time).

DS (13) did a spectacular vomit at the top of the stairs about a month ago…for some reason, he still heads towards our room, rather than the bathroom, if he’s feeling unwell! We’re working on changing this!

I get it OP, same phobia here, I’ve had it since childhood and somehow managed to raise 3 dc. The anxiety is just awful and I’ve found since being peri menopausal it’s worse in spite of my dc hardly ever throwing up.

@Marvellousmadness
thats in no way helpful. As an emetaphobe(or any phobia) it’s built in to you. You can’t just switch off and think rationally, as much as you want to.
OP I started taking antidepressants for something totally unrelated, and it actually really helped my phobia. It’s coke back a bit more now, but not nearly as severely.
sending hugs

I was the same with dc injuring themselves. If anyone else was around I would freeze and be useless. If I was on my own I would rise to the occasion and deal with it as I had to.

The shaking and crying is not "a bit much" - it's involuntary. I don't control it.

Have you ever experienced trauma? Do you understand that trauma responses such as shaking and crying and desperately needing to get away are controlled by a part of the brain that doesn't "think" rationally? It just responds as if you are under attack because seeing the thing you are afraid of triggers the trauma memories.

Google the anxiety fight, flight or freeze response and also how to brain responds when trauma memories are activated.