Why do people do this?

[PeopleBaffleMe13]

I've name changed as this could be quite outing and I really like my normal user name.

I'm trying to not be too specific in case it gets boring but I was at an event yesterday and another attendee kept telling me to calm down, to stop worrying, to relax, it wasn't my problem. She was rubbing my back while talking to me like a child.

But, I wasn't doing anything. I'd mentioned that I thought I'd noticed tension between two other guests (I was right) but that was it. The way this person carried on you'd have thought I'd been on the verge of throwing punches. It was so weird and she wouldn't let it drop. In fact, she came to find me in another room while I was chatting and sorting a game to tell me again to calm down and stop fretting.

It was just so bizarre. I really can't stress enough how I wasn't behaving in any way agitated or annoyed. Why would anyone do this?

And, no I wasn't drunk so therefore unaware of my actions. I was driving and stuck to soft drinks all day.

Yes I’ve had this before at work. Very strange situation I felt like I was going mad. This particular woman uses calm down it’s not a big deal constantly… almost in every sentence. I have no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🤣 I’m literally the calmest person ever…

And then you can't say anything because then they'll say "see, you are annoyed!"

Well, I bloody am now!

It’s deliberate I think
weird power play to mess with your head
at work, possibly also to paint a picture of you as a nutter for others
avoid these people
I increasingly see this sort of thing
is it because there’s so many videos online about manipulating people?

Avoid and grey rock em. They love the drama.

I was coming to say it’s a power play but the PP beat me to it.

It’s a faux virtuous, I am looking out for others whilst trying to put you in a place of vulnerability. I’d avoid her at all costs!

At one point she actually said "this is how I deal with the children at work".

It really wasn't nice. I didn't know what to say or do.

It is her own anxiety.

She was using you to self soothe.

Projection maybe?

This has really tickled me; I can see the scene 🤣. Although I can’t remember it happening to me personally, I feel like I know it from somewhere….

I think the type that does this is your basic nutter. Drama queen but casting herself, ironically, as the therapist. But, actually, it’s horribly patronising and a bit creepy. Utterly deranged.

What was your facial expression while she was grossly misconfiguring you? And did you manage to say anything?

Probably projecting her own angst and prefers to self-sooth through other people. Tell her to stop it.

Sounds like a sociopath to me.

Look at her blankly each time she says it and ignore, ignore, ignore.

She's probably trying to get a rise out of you.

I also imagined she was making eye contact with someone else, whilst back rubbing you, with an “aw, bless her” face or “she’s forgotten her meds but I can deal with it” face. If she did, then hopefully they thought she was a nutter too…

I was just thinking "what the fuck?!" so I imagine that was the look on my face.

I kept saying I was fine. I wasn't worried. I wasn't getting angry. Etc.

Then when she found me in another room and started up again I just said "I don't know what I'm doing wrong because I'm really not wound up at all". I tried to say it as neutral as possible but by this point she was beginning to annoy me.

This was EXACTLY how it felt.

^ Ooh, I think this one is called projective identification!

As pps say it's to put herself into a superior position to you ie adult vs child. Someone who used to try this with me was also a bit childlike herself. Suggest you tell her "I am calm. Please stop projecting your own issues onto me."

Sorry, my last post was in response to you feeling wound up by her insisting, when you didn't initially... Not your one after 🙂

Christ, avoid her like a plague. It's poking you to react by telling you not react when you're not even agitated. She's a nutter.

She sounds like an absolute dick. I’d have had to slap her.

OP, I'm hungover and I'm loving this! I'm chuckling away here and I'm generally a miserable bugger 🤣

Did she do anything else? I'd be grateful for any small crumbs.... ☺️

I know exactly what you mean and think you've described people who behave this way in a way most couldn't.

I've often felt it's bordering on abusive the way it makes you feel. You're scared to say anything at all because the person then managed to make out to an audience as though you've said something awful or make out you're struggling with emotions or something.

The one thing I've found works when they rob your back and ask if you're ok is to look them straight in the eye, laugh and head tilt and say "I'm great thanks. But are you sure you're ok".

Often they respond defensively with something like "why wouldn't I be"

At which point you can say "because you're following someone you barely know around and rubbings their back - where I come from that's bloody weird!"

I suppose, in your shoes, I might have tried to find eye contact with her audience and give a frozen in fear grimace, communicating to them that I was clearly in the clutches of a nutter. (That kind of one eyebrow raised, eek lipped, wide eyed comical expression.) If you can comically communicate that to them, you’ve zapped her power play.

Different, but I was co-hosting the event with two others (not the patronising person).

One person decided they weren't attending anymore due to not liking another guest (I'm aware this is super petty but it's their choice and I didn't really care). The guest they didn't like left after about an hour. She kept insisting I message the non-attendee and tell them to come. I refused as I really didn't want to get involved in the pettiness. But she just kept telling me.

"Go on. "

"Do it now."

"Text her and tell her they've gone."

"Just text her now."

"Tell XXX to text her and tell her to come."

I told her to stop telling me what to do and walked away. Obviously further proving how annoyed and agitated I was!

^ LOL! You should have tried rubbing her back and telling her to calm down 🤣