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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people do this?

76 replies

PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 13:46

I've name changed as this could be quite outing and I really like my normal user name.

I'm trying to not be too specific in case it gets boring but I was at an event yesterday and another attendee kept telling me to calm down, to stop worrying, to relax, it wasn't my problem. She was rubbing my back while talking to me like a child.

But, I wasn't doing anything. I'd mentioned that I thought I'd noticed tension between two other guests (I was right) but that was it. The way this person carried on you'd have thought I'd been on the verge of throwing punches. It was so weird and she wouldn't let it drop. In fact, she came to find me in another room while I was chatting and sorting a game to tell me again to calm down and stop fretting.

It was just so bizarre. I really can't stress enough how I wasn't behaving in any way agitated or annoyed. Why would anyone do this?

And, no I wasn't drunk so therefore unaware of my actions. I was driving and stuck to soft drinks all day.

OP posts:
RepublicOfNarnia · 19/06/2022 20:32

This thread is so unintentionally hilarious!!! Grin I know the type of behaviour you mean, it actually ends up driving me insane.

Kerrrmieee · 19/06/2022 20:40

I love this thread. It has opened my eyes.

However I've always played in to the hands of the 'calmer' by saying "will you just take your fucking hands off me and fuck out of my face" or words to that effect 🤣

'Calmer' knew exactly what they were doing to rile me. See??

🤬

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 20:48

Let’s think of a name for these mental fuckers…

Calmer Llamas? Grin

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 21:07

My favourite thing about this is people finding it funny.

It's made me view it differently so I'm less grumpy about it.

Thanks for calming down, guys - I needed it!

OP posts:
JillPole123 · 19/06/2022 21:09

This reminded me of a woman I used to study with. We were all in the same boat, supervisor from hell and trying to make the best of it (with plenty of complaining from everyone, but we were all perfectly competent).
She zeroed in on me, trying to give advice about everything (including weightloss, although she was heavier than me). Eventually stopped socialising because it got too patronising.
I bumped into her after everything had finished and she mentioned that she told our aforementioned supervisor that I was really 'struggling' and had 'mental health issues'. Thanks a bunch!!

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 21:27

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 20:48

Let’s think of a name for these mental fuckers…

Calmer Llamas? Grin

Placater Alligator.

OP posts:
Kerrrmieee · 19/06/2022 22:30

Interceptor Projector

Annoying cow

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 22:58

Or Drama Calmer.

pixie5121 · 19/06/2022 23:06

Ask her directly (and calmly) why she's rubbing your back and why she keeps asking the same question over and over. If you can manage a hint of condescension and faux concern, even better.

They fucking HATE when you do this because they're relying on you playing along with their abusive mind games. They want to get you off balance and establish a dynamic where they're the adult in control and you're a silly child. When they realise you've seen right through them, they flounder, and usually fuck off and bother someone else.

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 23:15

I think a reaction that would work beautifully is that laugh frequently offered by Konstantin in Killing Eve.

I often feel how I think he feels when he does it, but not sure whether I could actually pull it off. I shall now look for opportunities to practise 🙂.

IlkaDoxie · 19/06/2022 23:46

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 20:48

Let’s think of a name for these mental fuckers…

Calmer Llamas? Grin

This is perfect 😎👌

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 20/06/2022 06:23

Swashbuckled · 19/06/2022 14:35

OP, I'm hungover and I'm loving this! I'm chuckling away here and I'm generally a miserable bugger 🤣

Did she do anything else? I'd be grateful for any small crumbs.... ☺️

Oh yeah. Something else (though I hope you're not still hungover!)

One guest mentioned he had to leave early as he had a long drive so I asked him to let me know when he's going so I can leave soon after so I'm not the first to leave (said as a joke). This was the person not liked by the person who refused to attend.

As he was leaving he got my attention and waved. I mouthed "you're leave already?!" and did a shocked face as a joke because it was really early into the party. All lighthearted but a kind of private joke between us.

Calmer Llama started to tell me to calm down and stop worrying again. While rubbing me, but it could have been my arm that time.

OP posts:
Bhu · 20/06/2022 06:38

I reckon she noticed the tension between the other two, was upset by it herself and saw you as an outlet to calm herself down.

RedHelenB · 20/06/2022 08:44

PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 14:23

At one point she actually said "this is how I deal with the children at work".

It really wasn't nice. I didn't know what to say or do.

Tell her you're not a child for starters.

stuntbubbles · 20/06/2022 08:48

PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 15:20

I hate people touching me, which she knows.

Show quote history

Definitely power play, then, and trying to undermine you; combined with the guest problem it becomes, “Look, OP can’t cope with co-hosting events – I can, though! I’ll do it!”

Anyone touching me gets their hand firmly removed.

SandieCollins · 20/06/2022 08:51

I’d be inclined to get a message to her (if you have a WhatsApp group or via mum to be) to say ‘are you OK? You were behaving very oddly yesterday and I didn’t want to spoil the event for mum to be but I felt very uncomfortable with your behaviour’

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 20/06/2022 08:57

SandieCollins · 20/06/2022 08:51

I’d be inclined to get a message to her (if you have a WhatsApp group or via mum to be) to say ‘are you OK? You were behaving very oddly yesterday and I didn’t want to spoil the event for mum to be but I felt very uncomfortable with your behaviour’

Me too - just to see what she says and report back here pronto

FictionalCharacter · 20/06/2022 08:58

Pallisers · 19/06/2022 17:56

This reminds me of someone I know. I don't think she does it to annoy but christ she is the most annoying woman I know. We volunteer at the same activity and she tries to do everything (including muscling in on tasks that people have been doing for years) instead of letting the work flow. if someone does something she thanks us. why the fuck is she thanking us, we aren't doing it for her we are doing it for the clients. she is the same to them - points them to pick something they already know is there for them. rubs people's arms and says "are you doing ok?" it is hard to describe but she drives every single one of us crazy. I suspect it isn't malice but a complete lack of understanding of how people operate.

She’s trying to be the boss, and show everyone that she’s in charge.

FictionalCharacter · 20/06/2022 09:11

pixie5121 · 19/06/2022 23:06

Ask her directly (and calmly) why she's rubbing your back and why she keeps asking the same question over and over. If you can manage a hint of condescension and faux concern, even better.

They fucking HATE when you do this because they're relying on you playing along with their abusive mind games. They want to get you off balance and establish a dynamic where they're the adult in control and you're a silly child. When they realise you've seen right through them, they flounder, and usually fuck off and bother someone else.

Exactly this. Your response needs to be something that (a) she doesn’t expect, so it throws her off balance and (b) shows the people watching that she’s batshit.
Like pulling away and saying “why are you rubbing my back? That’s weird! Hahaha!” <tinkly laugh>
When she does it again: Oh no not again Sally! What on earth are you doing? Hahaha! Maybe there’s a dog somewhere that you can pat!
They don’t like being laughed at, or having their bonkers behaviour revealed to others.
It’s really hard to do that when you’re blindsided though.

Rabbitmugsarecute · 20/06/2022 10:13

She def sounds like she trying to create drama that isn't there

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 20/06/2022 21:19

She's not usually one for drama but it did feel like she was trying to infantilise and humiliate me.

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/06/2022 22:28

If she does it again just laugh at her.

scotsguy1314 · 21/06/2022 09:40

It's a form of gaslighting and if unchecked could lead to something more serious.

I agree that she should be sharply told that you don't need her advice and you don't appreciate the contact. If you try and do the gentle let down, all she'll do is find other threads to push your buttons.

Once you tell her, grey rock her.

Swashbuckled · 21/06/2022 21:12

Why not just do it first next time your paths cross? Leap across the room and start stroking her back, with concerned face, and calming her obvious distress?

Go on; she’d love it…😊

Pallisers · 21/06/2022 21:51

FictionalCharacter · 20/06/2022 08:58

She’s trying to be the boss, and show everyone that she’s in charge.

Show quote history

seriously - although that will be an uphill battle. place is run by guys in their 80s who have been doing it for 25 years - they'd be harder to oust than Bashar al Assad. volunteer activity is foodbank. Arrived in at 8 this morning when we are supposed to arrive to find she had arrived at 7 (I was out on my walk) and put together all the bags of food we usually work on together - as in me and a couple of other women. She wasn't flavour of the month today. If you take stuff out of a package, she'll try to grab the package from you. She is a retired nurse and I can only imagine what it was like to work with her.

sorry to hijack OP :)