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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people do this?

76 replies

PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 13:46

I've name changed as this could be quite outing and I really like my normal user name.

I'm trying to not be too specific in case it gets boring but I was at an event yesterday and another attendee kept telling me to calm down, to stop worrying, to relax, it wasn't my problem. She was rubbing my back while talking to me like a child.

But, I wasn't doing anything. I'd mentioned that I thought I'd noticed tension between two other guests (I was right) but that was it. The way this person carried on you'd have thought I'd been on the verge of throwing punches. It was so weird and she wouldn't let it drop. In fact, she came to find me in another room while I was chatting and sorting a game to tell me again to calm down and stop fretting.

It was just so bizarre. I really can't stress enough how I wasn't behaving in any way agitated or annoyed. Why would anyone do this?

And, no I wasn't drunk so therefore unaware of my actions. I was driving and stuck to soft drinks all day.

OP posts:
AclowncalledAlice · 19/06/2022 14:59

I get this a lot OP. I have the kind of face that looks like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment and every time I go out somebody will ask (are you ok), when I reply "Yep I'm fine", the response for the rest of the time will be " are you sure, do you need to talk, you're not enjoying this are you?" etc. No matter how many times I tell people, they will not accept that I'm fine and it's just the way my face looks. Even when I'm smiling and laughing.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 15:08

It is so she can talk about you after and how you couldn’t cope and were stressed and tell everyone she had to step in and deal with you.

Maraa · 19/06/2022 15:16

My mother in law does this to me all the time. I always say to her I’m actually fine you seem stressed are you ok everything’s fine. Just reverse it back to them and then she gets flustered. People are bizarre

wotsitsaremyfave · 19/06/2022 15:17

Id be perturbed by the back rubbing

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 15:20

wotsitsaremyfave · 19/06/2022 15:17

Id be perturbed by the back rubbing

I hate people touching me, which she knows.

OP posts:
NervesWontSettle · 19/06/2022 15:21

God, how annoying. I've had someone do something weird like this once and I wasn't sure how to respond. A part of me felt like I had to play along to make them feel better.. but I realise that's just my own stuff. And it did make me annoyed when I thought about it afterwards.

Now, I think I'd say something like
"I actually feel completely fine, Margaret. Are you sure you're ok?"

Also her badgering you to message someone is weird. For that, I'd perhaps respond something like "I don't want to text them, but if you want to, go ahead".

I know the time has gone now. But it is an odd situation. I suppose if you're to see her again and she does the same sort of thing, you may feel more prepared.

11Hawkins · 19/06/2022 15:27

Why didn't you tell her to back off?

itsgettingweird · 19/06/2022 15:29

11Hawkins · 19/06/2022 15:27

Why didn't you tell her to back off?

That's what these people want.

They pick your weakness to provoke you into reacting to further promote their narrative you're not ok.

So in this case she touches op which she knows she hates so when OP gets annoyed she can prove she was right to say op was annoyed.

These people are out and out idiots!

JuneJubilee · 19/06/2022 15:32

Batshit. Did you tell anyone hosting the day?

CulturePigeon · 19/06/2022 15:34

Totally agree with PP. This is a tactic to undermine you and I've been on the receiving end of it too. It's a sort of gaslighting, and as much as to say 'you're bonkers, but I'm going to take control of this situation because you're behaviour is giving cause for concern'. It's calculated to make you angry, and I'm afraid when it happened to me, it worked - I was furious to be patronised and infantilised by some random cretin.

Will be reading for hints on how to put these passive-agressive nuisances in their place....

FlippityFlapperty · 19/06/2022 16:03

I’d say something like, “I think you’ve misread me. I don’t feel like you think I do.” It’s irritating to have someone thinking they know your thoughts and mood better than you do yourself, let alone offering OTT ‘comfort’.

Mix56 · 19/06/2022 16:26
  1. Do not touch me
2 Stop talking to me 3 Go away
Wrongkindofovercoat · 19/06/2022 16:54

I bet the children hate it when she does it to them too !

ChairPose9to5 · 19/06/2022 16:59

Total projection. She NEEDS to have an identified patient to make her feel calm/resilient/secure.....

My mum does it to me. Constantly tells me what i feel and if i set her straight once im "sensitive" and when i set her straight the second time im "angry".

It's quite normal in families, well, not unusual.

Weird to do it to an acquaintance.

ChairPose9to5 · 19/06/2022 17:01

"I feel you have misread me" is good. It's not defensive. It's not justifying or defending or explaining.

I might use this one in my own family.

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 17:04

JuneJubilee · 19/06/2022 15:32

Batshit. Did you tell anyone hosting the day?

I was hosting!

One of my close friends was co-host and saw what was happening. She rang me after to have a good laugh about it but I didn't find it particularly funny.

I was quite nervous about posting because I thought the replies would say that I obviously was behaving badly but I'm actually really glad I did. I'm not the shy and retiring type. If the situation absolutely calls for it, I'll say what needs to be said. But I felt completely blindsided and vulnerable yesterday and I really didn't like it. She was just so intense and adamant that I was so clearly worrying and agitated that I didn't know what to do!

Thanks for the comments and advice for how to handle it in future. I don't see her too often, thank god!

OP posts:
ChairPose9to5 · 19/06/2022 17:27

When I was a single parent (i still am) but dc older now, one at uni and I am working ft, so i feel less defined by it, a very dramatic woman used to ask how i was coping all the time. She did spread it around that i was "very stressed". It was weird. She needs people to help. I was resistant to her helping... i should have been more grateful i guess. I had been on the pta and i was told i could step down. I had no idea why, but as it was the vicar who came to talk to me, i said, well, ok, if you have enough people, that's fine. I was later told this woman had told all and sundry i wasn't coping. As you say @PeopleBaffleMe13 people are baffling! Do they not see themselves for a minute and think whoah. What am i doing here. I have no evidence of this.

Cherrysoup · 19/06/2022 17:32

I think the second she started, I’d have told her to get off me. I too loathe being touched, there’s just no need (unless it’s my DH, obviously) I find it really bizarre that people think they can put their hands on you. I once had a line manager who would grab my wrist in the corridor as though I were a naughty toddler about to run off. I had to tell her not to touch me, so weird!

AmaryIlis · 19/06/2022 17:35

I think I'd move sharply away whilst saying "Please take your hand OFF me now". With any luck everyone else would think she was perving.

DreamingOfRest · 19/06/2022 17:37

I agree with everyone saying to turn it back on her. I think I'd go a bit further and say something like, "that's very kind of you, Mary", while smiling and looking her in the eye. Then say "I'm fine though. Are you okay?". If she responds yes, say "good!" very warmly. This might turn it around, so instead of her trying to manage your emotions, you're managing hers.

It's hard with these types, but I think you keep the upper hand if you show no anger or defensiveness. Imagine you're their therapist, aim for kind but firm.

TreePose9to5 · 19/06/2022 17:41

The event is done. By the sounds of it, OP won't see her again for a while.

What I take from this thread is "you're misreading me". That is perfect.

Or as close to. These situations are never easy to deal with in the moment!!

CaptSkippy · 19/06/2022 17:48

If you were hosting, couldn't you kick her out? Personally, I'd be telling her she was no longer welcome.

Maybe file a harassment complaint with the organization. She was feeling you up and it's creepy as hell.

EmmaH2022 · 19/06/2022 17:54

Oh so she wanted to cause trouble by getting someone else to encourage the other person to turn up

if it’s not a work thing, she is a general
trouble maker.

I swear there is something in the water at the moment.

Pallisers · 19/06/2022 17:56

This reminds me of someone I know. I don't think she does it to annoy but christ she is the most annoying woman I know. We volunteer at the same activity and she tries to do everything (including muscling in on tasks that people have been doing for years) instead of letting the work flow. if someone does something she thanks us. why the fuck is she thanking us, we aren't doing it for her we are doing it for the clients. she is the same to them - points them to pick something they already know is there for them. rubs people's arms and says "are you doing ok?" it is hard to describe but she drives every single one of us crazy. I suspect it isn't malice but a complete lack of understanding of how people operate.

Original poster
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 19/06/2022 19:08

I couldn't kick her out because it was a baby shower (I know, I hate the things too!) and she's a close friend of my pregnant friend.

And it would have fed into her belief that I was agitated!

I really couldn't win.

OP posts: