Are autistic traits controllable?

[AlternativelyWired]

I'd like to know the view of those who are neurotypical, because I've come across this opinion today, and I'm wondering if it's a common belief that people can control (mask) their autistic traits to be more "normal" so as not to upset other people.

[Edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

Neither option is relevant
some people choose to mask (they shouldn’t have too!!) and some don’t have that option as they cannot ‘mask’ it

I think some people probably can but the consequences to their mental health outweigh any ‘benefit’. I put benefit in quotes because that benefit is entirely for the NT people making the demand that they aren’t troubled by ND traits or behaviour.

Why are you asking for NT views?

That’s not going to be helpful at all.

Autism is a disability, certain people need no encouragement to air their views that we’re just not trying hard enough, that our children are undisciplined brats.

In a lot of cases masking just means postponing the problems to later. Look at the coke bottle effect.

so a child may mask all day at school, but each time they have to it’s like shaking a bottle of coke. Then when they get to their safe place at the end of the day the lid is taken that bottle and the explosion happen s

to an extent and not for long

Some people don't know they have autistic traits and mask it their entire life.
I only know I have autistic traits because I had cause to seek mental health advice about other issues, I found out at 42.

Masking shouldn’t be seen as a good thing, or something to aim for, because it generally means the person is hiding how they feel - all very well when it suits others who don’t have to bother making any adjustments, but goes to shit when you can’t tell a dr how you’re feeling, or you’re unable to effectively advocate for yourself.

Neither option gives a picture of neurodiverse behaviour. Some people mask their behaviours, some don't. Some want to, some don't. No one should have to.

Autism is a disability

Autism is a condition, many aspects of which can be disabling.

I'm autistic, and in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis confirmed (diagnosed as an adult, despite obvious neurodiversity as a child because 'girls can't be autistic')

I think it very much depends on the context. Some people do try and use autism as an excuse for being rude/ poor behaviour. I don't think that is ok. I think you should always try and consider others feelings. Being 'blunt' may happen sometimes, but you shouldn't just let your mouth run free because what sounds like objective fact in my austistuc brain, may really just be my subjective understanding.

But I also don't think the pressure to constantly mask put on me, and many others as children and young adults is helpful either (as a middle-aged woman I'm a bit more IDGAF). It can be very exhausting. Though I also think finding stims/ ways to deal with sensory overload that do not negatively impact others lots helpful. Especially as things I did as a child (head banging) can be distressing to see, and cause injury to the person doing them.

In short, it's not a clear cut answer - as with many of these things! Trying to find ways of coping that don't hurt/ distress others is a good thing. But then I would hope for understanding when that isn't possible.

Depends what you mean. Social norms can be taught to some. Autistic traits are multiple and severity changed according to person.

my daughter is a high functioning autistic girl - traits are different from ‘normal autism’ as most autism studies are on boys not girls and sometimes the child is not just autistic which is a huge spectrum but has other conditions.

my daughter has zero behaviour problems, is level 9 across the board has done some GCSEs 3 years early and maths a level in year 9. She is a get chess player and do work experience as a vet. She is polite and well mannered and a ‘delight’ to teach - very rule bound.

school did not want to have her diagnosed ‘she is straight a and level 9 100% attendance and no behaviour issues winner of English maths and science prizes ‘ etc in their mine there was no issue - no for them
but there is at home - hours and days spent pouring over a level textbooks aged 12/13 without sleep as she has to ‘finish’. Meltdowns when she got 90% in a text. Lack of social relationships with her peers etc each hobby becomes an obsession eg taught herself to sew for d of e and now with dress make daily but it has to be perfect. Not enough hours in the day to do everything she wants. Safe space eg me gets the brunt of it with no help available - she went for an assessment it took 10 minutes and the consultant said we don’t need to go on (she was becoming anxious and distressed) and he just said she is 100% high functioning autistic- she has learnt how to behaviour in social situations and does so - but can’t cope with others deviating from the norm.

is That the type of thing you wanted to hear?

I won't vote as it's quite redundant. But in a similar vein to autism being on a spectrum it's clear that some autistic people have better mask 'control' than others what with some autistic people only finding out very late in life incidentally they are autistic whilst other autistic people are non-verbal and communicate largely by banging their head against surfaces. Your question seems a bit odd imo.

Excuse the spellings - stitches in my fingers after a knife injury this week! 😱😂none of what I posted probably makes sense

Well you can, but it just wears you out

as my son has become more sociable etc, he is increasingly anxious and tearful when he comes home. Having alt all day being around people, he just needs to relax

he can’t even manage after school clubs

so: you can buy it comes at a huge price.

Masking should never be done for the comfort of others

of a person with autism chooses to mask it should be because they want or need to for themselves. It takes a huge amount of energy and can then cause debilitating exhaustion in the hours and days after

It’s all dependant on the person I should imagine. But in my experience, my DS can mask, my niece can mask, and my DD (who I believe is autistic, but hasn’t been diagnosed) can mask. It’s like the things that trouble them most in life (mainly to do with school) can give them major anxiety, but they seem to handle it well with the teachers. Then, when they are picked up from school, all hell breaks loose, and all of the anxiety that was bottling up inside of them just ExPLODES when they meet their parent who they are comfortable with.

Yes they can be but it's wearing and the Coke bottle effect is real. DD masks OCD / ADHD / ASD all day at school and comes home knackered, short tempered and impossible to deal with.

This isn't going to go well. I have reported it. It's not remotely acceptable to start a discussion on whether a disabled person should control themselves.

That is interesting @AyeUpMeDuck

I have a relative in their mid-30s who is currently seeking help for a MH crisis and they have also been referred for ASD screening.

I have adhd, not autism and I’m not going to vote because I don’t think it’s that clear cut. It depends on the person and the trait.

Earlier today I really, really wanted to skid down the aisles in the supermarket, despite it being busy, and at the checkout had to physically bite my cheeks to repress my urge to tell the terminally slow and stupid person before me exactly what I thought of them fucking about and holding me up. In that situation I think that as I can mask, I should.
On the other hand I think it if other people are bothered when I fidget, or appear not to be paying attention it’s their problem, and I’m not going to mask because their dull minds don’t understand.

I’m not sure I can offer an unbiased view of autism traits in people theoretically capable of masking. Because either they align with my own natural inclinations, eg being direct, or I can empathise because I understand what it’s like to be different, or they completely conflict with my own nd needs. Eg my colleague struggles with noise, I struggle without it. Therefore we compromise depending on whom has the greater need at any time and the other masks. If I’m honest I’d probably be 50x worse than any nd person if my colleague wasn’t prepared to mask on occasion, and it’s fair to say the same for him.

It's not remotely acceptable to start a discussion on whether a disabled person should control themselves.

This. 100%

I'm autistic btw.

?? Depends on the level of autism and what their difficulties are, doesn’t it. And what you want them to mask.

eg: High functioning person who doesn’t accept groupthink and requirement to conform may be reasoned with in regards to personal hygiene on health grounds.

Non verbal with the understanding of a 3 year old cannot be made to ‘mask’ and may not be able to learn that when people look like “this” (whatever) they want you to stop.

I think it is an acceptable question coming from an autistic person, which the OP is.
I do find that some of the "coping mechanisms" that have been suggested to me over the years are basically masking.
I do mask to some degree, like talking to teachers or at the doctors.
I never mask at all with my DH or children.

I'm nt and my dd is neurodiverse.
My dd masks all day in school and any socal setting she feel she needs to.
This is for her own comfort/ coping.
The result of this is she is absolutely exhausted afterwards though.

I never expect her to mask anywhere and would never have her in the company of some who expects her to be anything other than herself.

Didn't vote because I didn't like the question tbh sorry.

I know you said you wanted to hear from NT people and I'm autistic but I find your ideas a bit simplistic.

If I mask it is not because I think 'Oh, yes I must remember to mask my autistic traits'. The autistic traits are just me. I'm not strongly aware of them if atall. My way of trying to understand the world was/is to watch people and copy them. The ability to be able to mirror varies depending on stress/anxiety levels. The idea that doing this makes me more 'acceptable' to the NT only exists at a sub conscious level.