Are autistic traits controllable?

[AlternativelyWired]

I'd like to know the view of those who are neurotypical, because I've come across this opinion today, and I'm wondering if it's a common belief that people can control (mask) their autistic traits to be more "normal" so as not to upset other people.

[Edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

My son is ND (ASD & ADHD) and masks so well in certain situations he deserves an Oscar in my eyes. S hool, both primary and his current SEN school see NOTHING. He even manages to mask his ADHD (possible even though medical professionals are adamant it can not be masked). He also has tourettes and even manages to control his tics while at school. He lets everything out at home. The arguments, the demand avoidance, the tics and the off the wall crazy hyperactive behaviour. I have spent many hours explaining to him that he has no need to mask at his current school it's a SEN school and they have some profoundly autistic pupils and will have seen all of the 'negative' behaviour before and are well equipped to deal with it but his masking has been so deeply ingrained he is unable to stop. Its incredibly draining for him to hide his true self but I think that deep down he doesn't like his true self and worries others will also not like him. Masking is something he has always done unconsciously and for now it is part of him. I hate it. I wish he felt comfortable enough outside of the home to be himself but sadly other people aren't always so open to differences and it's a way ND people protect themselves, while also emotionally draining themselves.

I read it that the OP is surveying neurotypical people to see if this is a commonly held opinion - I’m assuming OP does not think this themselves. OP I don’t think you’re going to get people saying ‘yes I wish my autistic colleague would mask’etc… or at least I hope you’re not!

Hi Everyone, we had initially deleted this thread as we received reports about it from other users who found it offensive. We have decided to reinstate it to enable users to have a discussion. Please stick to talk guidelines and do report any posts to us that you feel need a look.

Depends entirely on the individual. The dc I work with would have no concept of masking. He is who is is and not really aware of the other dc unless they are disturbing him in some way. This might be entirely different for others.

I think some autistic people mask to fit in better with others and to try and protect their mental health. This can be conscious or unconscious. I don't think they should do it for the benefit of others and sometimes it can be detrimental for the person with autism.on the other hand some autistic people find it helpful.

There’s a big difference between can and should.

Some autistic people are incredibly good at masking. And many people do want to make other people comfortable, so they mask. But that comes at great personal cost.

The question of whether they should is entirely different. Should they incur the sometimes enormous cost or should society maybe be more amenable to autistic people so they don’t have to mask all the time?

And what about the people who just aren’t as able to mask? Should they be excluded because they can’t? Or should allowances only be made for the people who cannot mask, regardless of the (unseen) cost to those who can?

A decent and fair society would be accepting of people as they are.

which is to say the poll options make no sense.

Just another poster chiming in that the premise of this thread is grossly offensive.

‘normal’? Seriously?

@thedancingbear

I have already reported again. It's horrendous this should be allowed to stand. What on earth are MN thinking?

Normal is in scare quotes in the OP though. That suggests she doesn’t accept the term.

as an aside, a colleague and I were chatting about ADHD and how it affects us. We both used the term ‘normal people’ because that is how it feels. It can feel like being an alien who doesn’t fit in because you aren’t like ‘normal people’. And you can feel totally confused about how people manage to do all the ‘normal’ things you just can’t. Can’t even fathom how they’re doing it.

That doesn’t mean ‘normal’ is right. Quite the opposite. It’s a synonym for (neuro) ‘typical’ and it’s the one that often best fits the feelings of shame and deficit that come with a lifelong experience of just not being ‘normal’ and being extremely aware of it.

So, I do think ‘normal’ is an important term in this. The fact it’s horrible and loaded is a factor in many peoples experience of not being neurotypical.

But it needs the scare quotes.

Thank you for all the replies. I'm going to read them properly later when it's quiet.

I don't think I have ever really knowingly masked. My autistic traits are just who I am so I'm not particularly aware of them if atall. To understand the world I learnt to observe and mirror. The more stressed or anxious I am the harder that is. But I do it on a subconscious level really rather than deliberately.

Hi everyone,

We will be taking this thread down now as it has received a number of reports and we do not feel it is going well.

Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Ffs

I have been subject to some really vile behaviour that has been blamed on autism. My mental health matters too.

There's a bit more to us than just being 'disabled people'. Sorry that just seems a bit dismissive.

Autism is a developmental disability.

It depends on what different people mean by masking.

I think to a certain extent, everyone 'masks,' in the sense that they adapt their behaviour to the situation they are in. I wouldn't say it's only autistic people who mask.

In a work situation, people annoy you and you don't blow up, you try to get by, being polite. This could be called masking, surely? You're not showing your true feelings.

If you're at a wedding, normally you'd be quite and listen to the ceremony. You might want to talk to whoever is with you, but you don't. Isn't that a type of masking?

I read about children masking at school and then their behaviour deteriorates at home. But aren't they just behaving as they are expected to at school, and behaving in a less controlled way at home, because they are free to express themselves more or less as they wish?

A previous poster said that she gets by, by watching people and copying them. In some way, everyone does that. We take our social cues from the behaviour of those around us.
At least, I do. Maybe I'm autistic and just didn't know, but I don't think I am.

Thank you to @MNHQ for reinstating this thread for a second time. I have found the replies very helpful in the main. I'm sorry some posters don't like the thread and perhaps they would be best hiding it. No one has to read it. Any ableist comments will be reported so please be respectful in your comments.

Thank you to those who have commented so far. I'm going to go back and reread now as it was wiped before I could properly read everything.

I'm sorry some posters don't like the thread and perhaps they would be best hiding it. No one has to read it.

I have asked MNHQ why they think this is an acceptable thing to vote on. I don't think it's remotely ok and I think you have had some good advice on your other thread about the situation.

The idea that people should simply be quiet and not read your thread is not ok. I don't want anyone voting on whether or not I should control my disability. I want people to understand what it is like to be autistic, not to make a judgement and vote on it. It's really harmful imo. 'If you don't like it go away' never helped anyone.

@frydae I have asked HQ to delete the vote part. I only put it on because posters sometimes want a way to vote on it so I was preempting complaints. Now please stop policing my thread. It is helping me and that's why I posted.

It's not about policing your thread. It's about standing up for what I believe. Maybe it's an example of how I can't 'control' myself. The very thing you are asking about, yet you expect others to do. Anyway I have asked them, I don't think that's unreasonable. I didn't know you had asked the vote to be deleted. Thank you. I have to say though your other thread is going to be much more helpful, the situation you were in isn't about your autism, it's about your daughter lashing out.

Please stop telling me what is helpful, I'll decide that thank you. It is not for you to decide what is because of my autism or what is due to my daughter lashing out. You don't know her or me and can't possibly know. I know very well that her telling me to control my autism is about my autism not about her other issues.

Ok, I can see this is upsetting for you so I won't post further, but if you are going to ask for help then tell people to stop offering help on the actual issue I don't think you will get far. I wasn't trying to be rude to you or anything, there is a huge history and I was trying to offer advice, as have others on the thread. Again apologies for any upset, it absolutely wasn't intended.

Thank you for your apology.

I don't see it as a disability and neither do many others. It's a condition that is a variation from the typical.

Having said that this really isn't appropriate. Would you start a thread about whether gay people should play down their sexuality to fit in?