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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She'll find out, won't she?

85 replies

Milly2016 · 18/06/2022 18:30

Hi I am divorced with grown up children, I've recently started seeing a new guy (also divorced with grown up children).
Things are going well but we don't want to go public just yet. There's nothing sinister about our decision but we want things to be private for now.
That being said, we do go out but try to go a little further afield than just locally.
We were at a pub about 20 miles away when his ex-wife's mother and her partner walked in.
I am not sure if the mother knows my name but am sure her partner does as I've dealings with him through business in the past.
Am I being hopelessly optimistic in thinking that she won't say anything to her daughter? (her daughter being my new 'boy' friend's ex-wife of course).
As far as I am aware they get on well.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 19/06/2022 06:42

Yes her mum will tell her. Like the majority of posters I am baffled as to why you care so much or what you think she will “try” if she finds out. You are both (you and your boyfriend) being very childish.

Geneviev · 19/06/2022 06:45

Is your boyfriend flapping about the fact you were seen? Or is it just you?

bevelino · 19/06/2022 06:49

RepublicOfNarnia · 18/06/2022 20:46

Do you all live in some sort of small local-ish village?

This

If OP has only recently met the guy how does she know what his ex-wife’s mother looks like. There appears to be way more to this story.

Original poster
Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 06:53

Plausible deniability is no use here (not that I've anything to hide as such - just don't want her to know yet).
People who have a jealous mind don't need to see any kissing etc going on, the fact he's out with another woman is enough.
It's too late now anyway.
I'm obviously being unreasonable to think she won't say anything. Of course she will!
Again I thank you for the replies. There's not really much more to be said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 06:56

Aprilx · 19/06/2022 06:42

Yes her mum will tell her. Like the majority of posters I am baffled as to why you care so much or what you think she will “try” if she finds out. You are both (you and your boyfriend) being very childish.

You've never had dealings with a jealous person, have you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 07:00

bevelino · 19/06/2022 06:49

This

If OP has only recently met the guy how does she know what his ex-wife’s mother looks like. There appears to be way more to this story.

Show quote history

Yeah of course I do. I've already said that it's a small place. Why does that constitute there being more than meets the eye?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 19/06/2022 07:19

But what do you think she’ll ‘try’?

Original poster
Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 07:29

Pumperthepumper · 19/06/2022 07:19

But what do you think she’ll ‘try’?

Well she had a baby with my friend when we were all much younger.
They broke up. He started dating someone else, she saw them. Up to that point she had absolitely no issue about him seeing the child, all of a sudden, she started being very awkward about him seeing the child.
Using the child as a weapon really.
I also witnessed her getting aggressive if he talked to any woman.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 19/06/2022 07:29

Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 06:56

You've never had dealings with a jealous person, have you?

Show quote history

How would I know? Jealousy is a feeling, for all I would know people have been jealous of me.

Is your post actually about some dangerous stalking? Because if you had said that in the first place maybe you wouldn’t have had pages of responses of people wondering what on earth the issue is..

MRex · 19/06/2022 07:42

I suspect you've changed some details here, to try not to get flamed. The trouble is that means nobody knows why it's significant.

Anyway, obviously they'll tell her, yes she'll use the information in the divorce, and undoubtedly she'll say something to the adult kids.

Original poster
Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 07:44

Anyway, it's pretty obvious that she's going to say something.
Odds are that somebody would have seen us out and about anyway so maybe I'm worrying over nothing and she already knows.
We (my boyfriend and I) stopped at a local supermarket once. I waited in the car while he did a bit of shopping.
He bumped into her at the trolley station.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/06/2022 07:47

To be fair I can't imagine my parents telling me they've seen my ex.
She'll only tell her if there's something to tell. There's a clear back story.

CPL593H · 19/06/2022 07:49

Serious question OP, what is the worst you think she can do, realistically? If the place you live is that small, the people who know the parties involved will also know that they are all divorced and morally free to be in new relationships.

dudsville · 19/06/2022 07:50

Secrets have the power to cause trouble.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 19/06/2022 08:02

So you live in a small village, want to keep your relationship low key and not let his jealous ex know about you, yet you’re going out on a Friday night (?) to a pub (probably one of not many) in the same small village his ex and all her family, your friends etc. live?

How old are his kids? How did his marriage end? It appears you’re all from the same social circle, and you’ve known her for years. Is that why you don’t want her to know he’s dating you?

frydae · 19/06/2022 08:03

You sound like a 14 year old who has been caught smoking by their mums friend. What is this weird secrecy about? Just act like adults?

MargosKaftan · 19/06/2022 08:21

OP - if hes got grown up children, why would he know if his ex stopped talking to him, surely he no longer contacts her regularly? I can see if he had younger dcs where he was reliant on her making them available it would be an issue, but if hes only got adult dc, what damage can she do by being upset?

He should head off any news to his dcs first. He could just drop it into conversation he had a date, went well, hopefully see her again, early days etc.

I can see why if they have been divorced for years and her jealously has caused her to create problems when dcs were younger, he might be "trained" to hide his love life from her, but its not necessary now the kids are adults.

100Stickers · 19/06/2022 08:22

What exactly do you think she will do? Just ignore her? You're adults but you sound like you're worried about getting in trouble with this woman

starfishmummy · 19/06/2022 08:32

You went to a pub 20 miles away? Someone is hiding something...

BattenburgDonkey · 19/06/2022 08:43

Milly2016 · 19/06/2022 07:29

Well she had a baby with my friend when we were all much younger.
They broke up. He started dating someone else, she saw them. Up to that point she had absolitely no issue about him seeing the child, all of a sudden, she started being very awkward about him seeing the child.
Using the child as a weapon really.
I also witnessed her getting aggressive if he talked to any woman.

Show quote history

The kids are all adults now though so she can’t stop contact can she. You sound like
your the other woman here.

MargosKaftan · 19/06/2022 08:57

Its also worth remembering how upset a woman was when a man she had a small baby with just walked away to another woman, would be very different if that same man is dating someone new 20 years later. There might have been an element of "look at him having a great time when I'm stuck at home with the baby he walked away from", not "no one else can ever have him again".

Definitely get him to drop it into conversation with his adult dcs he's been on a date with someone, not super serious yet, will introduce them when it is etc. Take the last bit of power away.

LicoricePizza · 19/06/2022 09:16

Is your concern that you were in the same circle as her (she had a child with your friend) back when you were younger so you fear in her eyes you’re breaking “girl code” (this sounds ridiculous even writing it) by now going out with what was once her man? So she will be gunning for you & will make scene, bad mouth you etc??

sunglassesonthetable · 19/06/2022 09:24

100% OP. She'll tell her. Probably the first thing after seeing you two together.

But you know that.

ilovesooty · 19/06/2022 09:25

"Try" what? This sounds utterly ridiculous.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 19/06/2022 09:36

But if the ex finds out now or in 6 months, what difference does it make? She will be just as 'jealous' then as now if that is her personality. Tbh this whole situation that you have created sounds ridiculous. Just be open and get on with it. Cloak and dagger isnt a very grown up approach.