She'll find out, won't she?

[Milly2016]

Hi I am divorced with grown up children, I've recently started seeing a new guy (also divorced with grown up children).
Things are going well but we don't want to go public just yet. There's nothing sinister about our decision but we want things to be private for now.
That being said, we do go out but try to go a little further afield than just locally.
We were at a pub about 20 miles away when his ex-wife's mother and her partner walked in.
I am not sure if the mother knows my name but am sure her partner does as I've dealings with him through business in the past.
Am I being hopelessly optimistic in thinking that she won't say anything to her daughter? (her daughter being my new 'boy' friend's ex-wife of course).
As far as I am aware they get on well.

What are you worried about re: jealous ex? Are you afraid she will try to sabotage your relationship/stalk you etc?

Or are they currently divorcing and you think it might affect the settlement?

She'll probably tell her.

His ex used to date a friend of mine when we were all much younger.
Obviously before her meeting my new boyfriend and she was very jealous back then and caused a bit of trouble for then friend.
That's why I would prefer her not to know just yet.

FFS, who cares. That was a million years ago and you're not teenagers. If your boyfriend's ex gets jealous, that's her problem. She can be as green as she wants to be, it will have no impact on you.

Are you concerned because she had jealousy issues like 20-30 years ago?

What impact would her being jealous have in your relationship? Why would she even be jealous if they're divorced?

Do you all live in some sort of small local-ish village?

But to answer your question yes of course she'll mention it.

Nailed it.

Why are you so bothered about it?

I’m intrigued that you meet someone and it turns out you used to know his ex, your friend dated her, and you’ve had business dealings with her mum’s boyfriend.

It’s like a soap opera!

Stop going 20 miles away for a date, and just own your relationship with him now.

Why would it bother you if his ex found out

Her jealousy issues are something for her to deal with.

If she is so jealous that she can’t stand any ex seeing anyone else then it sounds Ds like she needs some therapy to help her.
I can understand that going to a far away pub to meet up whilst you are in the very beginnings of a relationship but after a few dates stay around your own neighbourhood and own the relationship.

Given you have adult children and are both divorced it sounds like too much effort is being put into sneaking around and I wonder what the real reason is.

Why are you so bothered op? I presume you are both fully grown functioning adults? I wouldn't give a shit personally, why is he so bothered about the ex finding out? So what if she's the jealous type he's an adult and can get on with his life surely.

It's doesn't matter

Totally understand that it's someone who's caused trouble in the past, but if he's bothered then obviously your relationship isn't going to go anywhere if it can't cope with this.

Chill it'll be fine

The thing is that she is a jealous person. According to my boyfriend, she wouldn't speak to him for days if she saw him just chatting to another woman.
Now I get that bad-mouthing an ex is a red flag, but I know in this instance he's telling the truth.
I'm concerned she'll try something that's all.

I agree that her mother is bound to tell her. Oh well she's gonna find out eventually I suppose so maybe it's a good thing.
Obviously we live in a small town.
I just feel sick at thought of what she'll try.
Nothing I can do about it though. Anyway thanks for the replies.

Are you supposed to creep about for years?

You have grown up children. I don't really understand what the problem is.

I mean, what sort of thing can she “try” as an ex wife in a small town where everyone knows each other by the sounds of it?

Unless there’s some backstory or he isn’t divorced just yet/you’re the OW I can’t see why would she be at all interested in you and him..

Hell yes. In fact chances are high that she texted the daughter from the pub...

What on earth do you think she would try? You sound paranoid.

Try what? You're divorced, he's divorced, all the kids are adults. There is nothing she can "try" that won't make her look like a total lunatic to all concerned.

He's a potential new business client and your wooing him, for business purposes.

Or it's an off the books unofficial business meeting where ideas can be discussed without their being an "official log" of it.

Unless you were obvious that you were dating etc, then plausible deniability should suffice.

My friend's new boyfriend's ex has been posting status updates on Facebook insulting her and making untrue allegations despite my friend doing absolutely nothing wrong. So it does happen and I can see why the OP might be a bit nervous, no one wants to get involved in this kind of nonsense when everyone involved is old enough to know better.

So basically you're the OW but are too embarrassed to admit it

So is he meant to stay single forever? Is she going to do the same?

The historical problems you refer to are in the context of her being jealous / not trusting the person she's in a relationship with. She's not in a relationship with your bf so what problems can she create? If their dc are grown up they don't even have a co-parenting relationship.

She was jealous when they were in a relationship. They're divorced for a reason.

What power does she have to be able to damage anything of yours? Bad mouth you to imply that you stole him/he cheated with you type thing? Damage your professional reputation in this way via ex MIL’s DP??
If you’ve nothing to hide you’re just going to have to hold your head high & let her do her damage, safe in the knowledge you’ve done nothing wrong.