Different parenting styles with DP and arguments. AIBU?

[TheOceanClub]

I’ve been umming and ahing about this for a very very long time.
We have a very lovely 16m old DS and pretty much from the moment we brought him home there’s been endless arguments about how and what to do with him.
It all started the first night home - he was born on February so the heating was on, had his vest/sleepsuit ready for bed and my DP thought he is still cold so wrapped him in a huge fluffy duvet up to his nose. When I stated that this is to much and he will be to hot and possibly overheat DP replied that the baby is shivering ( where? ). So word after word and at the end I told him “Fine of you want to kill him go ahead because that’s what gonna happen of you wrap him like this ina already warm room”. Finally he understood I guess but every day has been pretty much the same since.
We argue pretty much about everything - what to give him to eat, how much, about his sleep arrangements, washing, literally everything.
At the beginning he didn’t want to understand why you don’t need to bathe baby every day and certainly don’t need to use soap too. We had fights that I like to keep the baby dirty apparently.
Then the sleep - I shouldn’t rock him to sleep and should teach him how to fall asleep in his own cot because that’s what all the babies do.

The food is another issue. You know how fussy the toddlers are. I pretty much cook everyday for him separately because DP likes really spicy food . According to DP I should never give him leftovers from previous day if there’s some. I should teach him and almost force feed him chicken for example because DS isn’t that keen on the meat.
Today on Costa he wanted to buy him a strawberry yogurt and small pizza. I mean why. And then I said no he got really upset and angry at me again.
This morning he almost gave him a Digestive biscuit.
He knows we are not feeding him such a things and any “junk” things he eats are baby biscuits, veggie straws etc.

I mean… I don’t want to be the default parent who’s always “right” and everything needs to be exactly my way but sometimes, we’ll most of the time his ideas are so far away from mine idea of parenting and raising a kid. We are definitely not a team, we are not working together but against each other. He’s always accusing me that I want to do my way and I think I’m always right but honestly sometimes I feel like yes, the mother knows better what’s best for her child.
Generally he’s a good parent and I love my sweet boy to moon and back but honestly if I could see my future before I would never ever choose this man as my baby’s father.

Also I should add he never in these 16m, not once, said that’s I’m doing a good job, that’s I know it’s hard but I’m a good mom. Quite the opposite… So many times I’ve heard that Im really bad and shitty mother, that I can’t instantly stop him crying, that I don’t know what I’m doing etc.

I couldn’t live with a ‘D’P who said I was a shitty mother. Having some differences of opinion is pretty normal but this sounds both extreme and unpleasant.

You both sound quite controlling. It's not unreasonable for ir a child to eat yoghurt

Perhaps your health visitor could recommend a parenting class? That might help you to get on the same page

So many times I’ve heard that Im really bad and shitty mother, that I can’t instantly stop him crying, that I don’t know what I’m doing etc.

He sounds horrible. You say he's a good parent, but a good DH is pleasant and supportive, whilst yours is a complete arse. How does a lifetime of this look and how will it impact on your DC?

That sounds really difficult and you need to find some common ground or your going to have a very confused child. Somethings I get being controlling over- not overheating for instance is sensible and safe but not giving a 16m old yogurt/pizza or a plain biscuit also sounds unreasonably controlling to me. Also you said 'we are not giving him junk'- was this a joint decision? If so then yes ok he should stick to it but if it was you deciding then maybe it's fair he wants more input on things

I don't agree at all that "the mother knows best what is good for her child" and if that's your attitude it's not surprising he's getting annoyed. It might help to show him where you are actually getting your information from, so he can see it's not some kind of "mothering instinct" but a thoughtful decision. Then you can discuss the information and make joint decisions more. And hopefully when you need to make decisions by yourself he can trust that process.

On the other hand, him being so critical and expecting instant soothing is unreasonable. How much time does he spend alone with your toddler?

About the eating bit - at the beginning I was the one showing him things because he had no idea and because the shopping is mostly on me I was the one buying things for DS - plain Greek yogurts, baby veggie straws etc, so he saw what I’m feeding him and we are not buying him store prepped pizzas or full of sugars strawberry yogurts.

I agree maybe we both want to control a bit too much tho. But just because he’s a parent too I don’t want him to feed him foods which are totally unnecessary at 16m. ( and for adults too TBH. ) And then he gets upset at this.

Pizza and strawberry yoghurt are not suitable for a young toddler. Both likely to be ultra-processed, or high in salt or sugar.

Your DP sounds like an argumentative twat and you are not 'controlling'

That’s also one bit - he’s been off work for almost a year now on sick note due to the operation which was unsuccessful unfortunately.
If I get up with him around 6 - 6:30, he continues to sleep until 9ish or later. Then we spend an hour or two together until DS goes to bed around 11. DP leaves the house. As he’s not working he’s seeing his friends, drinks coffee, plays snooker whatever. Coming home time is different - sometimes around 3pm, sometimes 5pm, so then we spend time together until DS goes to bed at around 7:30.
There’s been times when we had argue so he doesn’t come home from around 10am until 8pm . Sometimes when DS is crying over something and he can’t stand it he storms off and goes to the park or whatever to “clear head”.
And there’s been so so so many times that I feel like a single parent.

Did you attend any in person or online parenting courses before your DS was born? I only ask because things like using a big duvet for a newborn sounds absolutely insane and as though your DP had no idea about safe sleep or caring for a baby. Same with the bathing baby argument.
I'm pregnant and DH and I have recently done a free online baby care workshop as preparation for an in person antenatal course, as neither of us has any experience of babies. Even the free online course was very helpful as neither of us knew eg. that the official advice is to only bath a baby once per week for the first 6-8 weeks.

It sounds very stressful to be battling over everything. Are you able to sit down for a proper conversation about this without arguing? Would he be open to you both doing some parenting workshops around weaning (even online)?

You sound hard work tbh - phrases like ‘he knows we are not feeding such things’, - was ‘we’ actually you, or was this a joint decision? You both sound controlling and the whole thing sounds exhausting. Time for a serious conversation about where you go from here, before this impacts on your child (even more than it is).

I've cross posted with you there. It sounds a very tense environment. Will he acknowledge that he needs support with managing his stress? Clearly staying out for 10 hours and storming off if your DS cries is a sign that he isn't coping with his health etc?

OMG a digestive biscuit

Can’t he work?
i know you said he had an unsuccessful operation but if he meets friends, plays snooker etc is there no work he could do?
That would give him something else to do other than bother you

It sounds like he has completely disengaged because everything he suggests, you shoot down and then you both argue about. Has he ever been right once?

Some of his parenting wishes are not unreasonable such as bathing the baby every day with soap, feeding him strawberry yogurt, a digestive biscuit is also hardly junk food, and I didn’t feed mine leftovers when they were that young either because the younger you are the less able you are to fight off food bourne illnesses.

You do sound very controlling and if you have a pattern where he is always wrong and you are always right, it’s no wonder he’s removed himself from the house and left you to it.

This sounds like a hard situation OP.

If you are at home with the baby and he is off sick, are you living on sick pay / benefits at the moment? I ask because that would make this situation extra hard. But also, if you are both at home, and he is well enough to go out and play snooker, is he doing his fair share?

Being charitable, I imagine he is depressed. What are the plans to get him back to work (or are you going to work and him stay at home?).

I think some marriage guidance counselling on how to improve communication and get both your needs met, and a plan to get out of the rut is what is needed. Obviously things like trying to feed a baby pizza isn't helpful but I do wonder if it's a sense of helplessness that is leading him to do this. Equally I wonder if being sunk in depression is the reason he appears not to appreciate you. None of this is an excuse, and it needs to change of course.

He is totally out of order for calling you a shitty mother but not for having an opinion on child rearing because, you know, it is his child too.

He sounds pretty unreasonable, but I'm afraid you sound a bit extreme as well. "Almost gave him a digestive", this is not a disaster. If you check the nutritional information on the backs of the packets, you might be very surprised how much sugar a "baby biscuit" has compared to a digestive (and sugar is sugar, whether it comes from dates, concentrated grape juice, or a packet of sugar)

He doesn’t need any books to raise his son, thats what he said me. And he had called me stupid for trusting and believing for whatever I read or learn online. Before the baby we shared common ideas how to raise the kid in generally and we matched very well.
The baby was planned and much loved during pregnancy and he cared about me so much. And now I honestly feel stupid and feel like I should have never agree to have a child with him.

Do you work?

And there’s been so so so many times that I feel like a single parent
**
I am a single parent which can be hard at times. However, you have all the shit things about parenting as part of a couple with a petulant, controlling man child who storms off and none of the good things of being a single parent - your own agency and ability to parent consistently.
**

I’m working currently part time, he get some money from work weekly but not much and we are also getting UC. So yeah the moneys been tough and I guess also putting extra strength on our relationship and escalating everything

He’s a shitty parent that borders on abusive, lacks basic knowledge on sleep safety and child development.

You both sound like nobs

*Extra strain, sorry