Different parenting styles with DP and arguments. AIBU?

[TheOceanClub]

I’ve been umming and ahing about this for a very very long time.
We have a very lovely 16m old DS and pretty much from the moment we brought him home there’s been endless arguments about how and what to do with him.
It all started the first night home - he was born on February so the heating was on, had his vest/sleepsuit ready for bed and my DP thought he is still cold so wrapped him in a huge fluffy duvet up to his nose. When I stated that this is to much and he will be to hot and possibly overheat DP replied that the baby is shivering ( where? ). So word after word and at the end I told him “Fine of you want to kill him go ahead because that’s what gonna happen of you wrap him like this ina already warm room”. Finally he understood I guess but every day has been pretty much the same since.
We argue pretty much about everything - what to give him to eat, how much, about his sleep arrangements, washing, literally everything.
At the beginning he didn’t want to understand why you don’t need to bathe baby every day and certainly don’t need to use soap too. We had fights that I like to keep the baby dirty apparently.
Then the sleep - I shouldn’t rock him to sleep and should teach him how to fall asleep in his own cot because that’s what all the babies do.

The food is another issue. You know how fussy the toddlers are. I pretty much cook everyday for him separately because DP likes really spicy food . According to DP I should never give him leftovers from previous day if there’s some. I should teach him and almost force feed him chicken for example because DS isn’t that keen on the meat.
Today on Costa he wanted to buy him a strawberry yogurt and small pizza. I mean why. And then I said no he got really upset and angry at me again.
This morning he almost gave him a Digestive biscuit.
He knows we are not feeding him such a things and any “junk” things he eats are baby biscuits, veggie straws etc.

I mean… I don’t want to be the default parent who’s always “right” and everything needs to be exactly my way but sometimes, we’ll most of the time his ideas are so far away from mine idea of parenting and raising a kid. We are definitely not a team, we are not working together but against each other. He’s always accusing me that I want to do my way and I think I’m always right but honestly sometimes I feel like yes, the mother knows better what’s best for her child.
Generally he’s a good parent and I love my sweet boy to moon and back but honestly if I could see my future before I would never ever choose this man as my baby’s father.

Some of what your DP is suggesting isn't actually that bad. For example, subsequent babies tend not to get rocked off to sleep and do just fine. I had three under five, so spending time on rocking a baby just didn't happen. They can learn to self settle and they don't come to any harm.

As far as diet is concerned, provided the majority of a child's diet is healthy, there is nothing wrong with giving him the treats your DP suggested.

You are not completely right about everything, because you are a mother. Wind your neck in a bit and learn the art of compromise.

Honestly you both sound difficult - inflexible, unreasonable and unnecessarily fixated on small things.

The idea you could get so agitated about a pizza and yoghurt is utterly ridiculous.

He sounds awful but you sound difficult.

Unless you can both be mature enough to have a proper conversation and make a plan you will both be miserable together.

Is there anyone you can discuss this with IRL? (I mean parenting classes/counselling via the GP surgery/health visitor?)

If he's calling you a bad/shitty mother, that's vile of him.

But you are being precious and controlling about your toddler. A digestive biscuit is really not a big deal. If you have more than one child, you may well come to think that a pizza and a strawberry yoghurt is not a big deal either.

You need to try to meet one another half way. You're giving your partner the message that you are the only one who is competent as a parent, and he's retaliating by saying you're a crap parent. His pathetic comment that you can't stop your baby from crying is another way to say "see: you're always telling me that you are the perfect mother and know everything, but you can't stop DC crying, so there". Neither of you is a crap parent or a perfect parent (nobody is the latter), but you really are being OTT about doing things your way. A strawberry yoghurt isn't a hill to die on.

I guess my problem could be the fact that from the begging he’s been out of the house so much and like I said, some days I really have felt like single parent or that I have a flatmate who looks after the baby sometimes. Plus the fact that we have no one else around, no families so we have to rely on each other.
And when I was struggling first 6ish month to adjust to the change and he just kept saying that I was a shit mother and shouldn’t have agreed to have him in a first place if I can’t cope.. or he could just storm off to clear the head when DS was crying and I had and still have no one even my mom around me and I was left alone…

So that fact I think “made me think” - oh you are not here anyways most of the time so yes, I know best.

A digestive biscuit will not kill him

I wonder if he's been lashing out because of your constant criticism making him feel like a useless parent. On day 1 you said he was going to kill his son.

Or he might just be arrogant and abusive. It's really hard to tell from your post.

It's clear you're very controlling and PFB. I'm not sure how you can fix that, especially when you think you're right...

Different people make different choices, I avoided processed foods, refined sugar etc when DS was young he's 3.5 now and he gets the occasional rich tea finger, scoop of ice cream if we're out for the day, Ice lollies at home (still no added sugar hidden veg ones, he likes them and old habits die hard). Thankfully we'd discussed before hand and DH was willing to listen to things I'd read etc and as I had a year of mat leave, that actually spending lots of time with DS I did know him better. I can see how this can be difficult of you have different ideas, DH was raised on sugary tea in a bottle and Turkey twizzlers, so may well have been of the mindset 'well I turned out ok'. However whatever the disagreement (and you may need to compromise with the odd digestive), he is being hugely unreasonable.
How dare he call you a shitty mother, then leave you to get on with it and work, while he swans about playing pool and going for coffee, storming out when things are difficult. Ok he's signed off from work but that doesn't stop him being around for his child. Most non mat leave partners would love all of that extra time with their child, but he avoids it all then criticises you!! I'd be telling him to sod off.

Some of the things are really not that big of a deal. It sounds like it is your way or no way and that is why you are having problems.
There is nothing wrong with a toddler having the occasional digestive biscuit or yoghurt while out.

I'd leave him. Telling you you're a shitty mum? That's horrible.

Things will never get better and you will waste your dc's precious early years bickering. And then you will argue about punishments, discipline, etc. it's no way to live. Sounds exhausting. And your Dc will pick up on it.

There is no circumstance - outside of you being abusive to your child, which certainly does not sound like the case - where it's ok for him to be calling you a shitty mom. And especially in the early days when it's all new and SO HARD. But I'd gently suggest you look at yourself a bit in this conflict. There's nothing wrong with yoghurt (my kids eat tons of the stuff, and there are a lot of low sugar/no sugar varieties out there) or a digestive biscuit, or even the odd bit of pizza. You want to raise your kids with healthy eating habits - and having all treats as forbidden is not setting them up for success as adults in having a healthy attitude towards food. You and your dh need to learn to communicate - in a calm environment, away from your child - and agree on your approach to parenting. If you can't get on the same page on this, you're not going to be able to maintain a happy relationship. But you also need to accept that you being the mother doesn't mean you're always right!

where it's ok for him to be calling you a shitty mom.

But that's what the OP is doing to him constantly, even if she doesn't use that exact term.

You lost me at He’s always accusing me that I want to do my way and I think I’m always right but honestly sometimes I feel like yes, the mother knows better what’s best for her child.

You both sound like you are struggling with the circumstances but you are definitely focusing on the wrong things here.

I agree with @Huntswomanonthemove at 17:55 and what @Merryoldgoat and @AnnunciataCoquetti have both said at 17:58

If I allowed him DS probably wouldn’t get a proper food, wouldn’t brush teeth because that’s also a little bit “ naaah, it’s ok if we don’t brush every day” and would be walking around with a shaved head. Don’t know why he’s fixed on the idea to shave completely DS hair. He said they grow back healthier and thicker.
Im sorry but as a mom I have to say stop to a few things.

What a shame the child is caught up in the conflict of 'You're not right, I am!' from both of you!

Neither of you want to co parent in harmony and both of you appear to have the attitude of doing it 'my way'.

Nothing you have said about how he parents seems unreasonable and you appear very rigid in how you want things done.

You keep visibly despairing at every thing he says and does in regards to the child and he in turn is saying you are a shitty parent.

You're both acting rather shitty in my view and unless you sit down and work it out how you are going to agree on the core aspects of parenting but agree to disagree on minor issues in order to raise your child in a happy home or you decide that you are both far too stubborn to raise the child in an agreeable manner and you need to split up.

If you split the poor child is still going to suffer because it will be your way or the high way at your home and the same in his fathers home.

You both need your heads knocking together.

Some people raise their children that way OP, it wasn't the way for me and sounds like it isn't for you. Unfortunately his father is someone who thinks it's fine. You seem to have such opposing views I don't see the relationship working to be honest.
Has he said why he thinks it's ok to lay in until 9 then go out with his friends all day, and has been doing so since your child was a newborn? That alone would be enough for me.

I think it is unreasonable to not be bothered about feeding a child regularly and properly, to not think brushing their teeth twice a day is important. Shaved heads is a style choice, not one of mine, but I've seen others do it.

He told me that in days that I’m at work and I come home past his bedtime, he’s not bothering with cleaning teeth because “ two days not cleaning is ok”. And when I start to talk about this with him I’m suddenly controlling, everything needs to be my way, I’m the bad one, I always start arguing etc

You are both in the wrong. Of course he shouldn't be calling you names or getting loads of leisure time. And some of his parenting ideas aren't great.

But you are too controlling. I used to be too rigid when ds was younger and I've really learned to chill out now. Dh is a bit more free and easy with bedtime and his diet and since learning to let go on these things and compromise we've all been much happier. A one-off strawberry yoghurt won't harm your child. What are you going to do in the future when ds gets invited to parties where there's crap food galore? You need to relax.

@bakewellbride you need to read the updates, he won't even brush the child's teeth when OP is at work, it's not about a strawberry yogurt

It's hard to work out how to read this thread. I can imagine this two ways, either the op is being a bit controlling and the dh is almost 'acting up' against having no say. Or the dh is a bit of a scally, not doing much parenting, then swanning in having not had much involvement in parenting and then parenting decisions, wanting to give dc sugary treats and not brush teeth and not really getting it. Is it actually something between the two?

I'm conflicted here. The fact is you are both parents and have equal say. He sounds a little ignorant but so do you. Eg what's the issue with baby eating a yoghurt and a pizza?

I agree. That's why I said she's wrong to assume that she's always right because she's the mom. The joint parent relationship necessitates being on the same page and taking each other's views into account - this does not seem to be happening here.

First off, do not dream of having another child with this abusive, lazy waster.

He is an awful partner and parent.

This is NOT normal behaviour.

It is NOT normal to be telling the mother of your child that she is a shit mother.

You are being bullied and abused by him.

He sounds thick as shit and a possible danger to your child, so focused is he on arguing his point.

Go to your GP and confide in them.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Then seriously start planning on getting away from this waster.

Make your plans quietly.

Reach out to any familybyou have and friends for support.

You sound like a great mum, how you have put up with this for so long is extraordinary.

It sounds so stressful.

Start planning on leaving.

Do you want to live like this for the next 20 years @TheOceanClub ? Because your partner sounds like a waste of space to me, more trouble that he’s worth. Id be out of there.