Different parenting styles with DP and arguments. AIBU?

[TheOceanClub]

I’ve been umming and ahing about this for a very very long time.
We have a very lovely 16m old DS and pretty much from the moment we brought him home there’s been endless arguments about how and what to do with him.
It all started the first night home - he was born on February so the heating was on, had his vest/sleepsuit ready for bed and my DP thought he is still cold so wrapped him in a huge fluffy duvet up to his nose. When I stated that this is to much and he will be to hot and possibly overheat DP replied that the baby is shivering ( where? ). So word after word and at the end I told him “Fine of you want to kill him go ahead because that’s what gonna happen of you wrap him like this ina already warm room”. Finally he understood I guess but every day has been pretty much the same since.
We argue pretty much about everything - what to give him to eat, how much, about his sleep arrangements, washing, literally everything.
At the beginning he didn’t want to understand why you don’t need to bathe baby every day and certainly don’t need to use soap too. We had fights that I like to keep the baby dirty apparently.
Then the sleep - I shouldn’t rock him to sleep and should teach him how to fall asleep in his own cot because that’s what all the babies do.

The food is another issue. You know how fussy the toddlers are. I pretty much cook everyday for him separately because DP likes really spicy food . According to DP I should never give him leftovers from previous day if there’s some. I should teach him and almost force feed him chicken for example because DS isn’t that keen on the meat.
Today on Costa he wanted to buy him a strawberry yogurt and small pizza. I mean why. And then I said no he got really upset and angry at me again.
This morning he almost gave him a Digestive biscuit.
He knows we are not feeding him such a things and any “junk” things he eats are baby biscuits, veggie straws etc.

I mean… I don’t want to be the default parent who’s always “right” and everything needs to be exactly my way but sometimes, we’ll most of the time his ideas are so far away from mine idea of parenting and raising a kid. We are definitely not a team, we are not working together but against each other. He’s always accusing me that I want to do my way and I think I’m always right but honestly sometimes I feel like yes, the mother knows better what’s best for her child.
Generally he’s a good parent and I love my sweet boy to moon and back but honestly if I could see my future before I would never ever choose this man as my baby’s father.

I think the thing which pisses me of the most is the fact that all these 16m I never had a day off, I never had a full nights sleep. He didn’t do any night shifts or have a break just for a few hours.
The first 6 months was close to hell for me. I guess I didn’t have PND but was pretty close to it. I didnt have any family around, only him. I struggled a lot. And he had a cheek just to storm out when things got tough, because he “ was stressing”, he always have laughed about the fact that I’m tired and want to sleep, because what kind of mother I am if I can’t take care about small baby and “ my friends wife have 5 kids and take care of everything”
Its like I’ve never been “allowed” to be tired, to complain, to cry…

On the other hand yes, he’s bathing him, taking to park, change him and play with him but he gets irritated very very easily.
I don’t know.

And on top of that he swings in with a fuckin strawberry yogurt which we never buy and eat in a house.

So he never gets his way as a parent?

@RewildingAmbridge I did read it which is why I thought they're both in the wrong i.e. him too.

I get that he's been a shitty partner, and you do need to address this and consider whether this is a relationship that's worth continuing or benefitting you in any way. But I do not get your obsession with the strawberry yoghurt. It's not poison. My kids eat fruit yoghurts daily (usually the no added sugar ones, but sometimes not) and in no way is this harmful - especially as a one off!

Strawberry yogurt is not the Devil's Work op. Neither is a digestive. Neither is bathing a baby every night.
And as for leaving a 16month old to self settle to sleep in a cot - that is absolutely fine too.
You seem very rigid and controlling and even now don't seem to acknowledge that it seems to be your way or nothing every time. Of course babies need an appropriate amount of bed covers. And teeth need cleaning every day. But the other points, you need to stop being so controlling and pfb and allow your partner to make some parenting decisions.

It's completely normal to have parenting disagreements. Resolving these is not easy and takes compromise from both parties. Part of being a good parent is being able to communicate and get on with the other parent. Your child will suffer much more from his parents arguing than from strawberry yoghurt or irregular tooth brushing.

Pick the important stuff to insist on (duvet on a newborn is a good example) but for everything else accept that you are one of 2 equal parents and you don't get to have the final say.
If you do insist on doing everything your way your partner is just going to back off and be less involved, to the detriment of all 3 of you.

Have you asked your partner to look after the child while you have a day off? You may be surprised - he may be really keen to get some time alone to do things his way.

I think the thing which pisses me of the most is the fact that all these 16m I never had a day off, I never had a full nights sleep. He didn’t do any night shifts or have a break just for a few hours.

So why have you allowed it to get to this ?
You say you have both been at home.
From day1, why weren't you pushing him out of bed and saying "your turn"?
Why don't you take your ds up to where your dp is in bed, leave him there, and go out at 8.30 one morning ?

Sounds like a very unhappy home. It may be better if you parted ways.
It's not nice to grow up with parents arguing every week.

It all sounds exhausting. A few arguments is normal, but you two can't seem to discuss anything rationally. I've no idea why you're so obsessed with banning food; focus on basics:

1. Safe
2. Watered and fed something
3. Clean, including teeth
4. Happy, played with, chatted to, loved

If you want to have a decent relationship and for him to be involved, then you need to allow time when he has sole charge of the baby. Even when you separate, he will get time alone with the baby, so you need to focus on the basics. Write down and discuss key baby safety points if you must, but stay on point, it's about safety and not whether you despise a biscuit. Biscuits are not unsafe. Agree key schedule info; drinks, food, sleeps, teeth cleaning - if he does all that and baths the baby too then fine, it won't hurt, just skip the bath on your night.

True but this was in Costa so obviously not an every day thing.

I think you need to pick your battles honestly - baby in danger, yes, you push for the safe way to parent.

A treat you disagree with once in a while? Let it go.

There are evidently lots of other problems, OP - but in terms of the way you both parent your child, it would be good if you could have a sensible conversation with him (where neither of you becomes angry or goes down the "you always..." route) and agree on the things that are important to you both.

XH and I didn't agree on everything to do with parenting. But when our DC were little, we did agree that the non-negotiables were:

Tooth brushing twice a day
Meals/snacks only to be eaten at the table, not wandering around.
Bedtime, with stories.

I was a SAHM so 'my' way to do everything else was obviously the way I thought was right. But I had to resist the quite strong temptation to go down the "mother knows best" route and had to accept that XH did things differently when he had them. So long as he stuck to the non-negotiables, it wasn't worth losing sleep over a glass of Coke or a bag of Starburst. Though by the time you've had several children, you'll largely settle for the old trope of "all fed, none dead".

It seems a bit odd that your partner is wanting to shave your child's head, as this would (to my mind) suggest that quite significant differences between you might have been there all along but have come to a head now that you have a child together.

Maybe this was my mistake. He always had this view that mothers know best how to deal with a baby at nighttime so he always had a goodnights sleep. And still today he’s grunting and ahing if DS wakes up around 6ish and makes noise and don’t let him sleep.

I could never just leave the baby with him for hours because “how can you leave small baby alone, he needs mother” and he kept this narrative up until recently. I think twice so far he has taking him to the park alone so I had an hour to myself. He gets really quickly irritated by DS cries and can’t stand anything else but happy, smiling and laughing baby.
He can very quickly put his shoes off and leave the house not saying anything and come back minutes or hours later leaving me to deal with whatever the problem.
I understand maybe I like to control too much but all this time he seems to me more like a flatmate who storms out when baby is crying, calls me names and compares me to friends of friends wife’s.

There really isn't anything wrong with a 16 month old eating the occasional strawberry yoghurt (or digestive biscuit / pizza).

It sounds like it's your way or the highway, which naturally isn't going to make your partner feel like he's an equal partner here.

OP, your update doesn't show him in a good light. But you still don't seem to see that the dynamic between the two of you is wrong and could possibly be improved.

That, to my mind, would be better than splitting up. If you do that, your DC will be spending time away from you, doing things your partner's way. I can see how this might feel appealing, given that you've had no break for so long - but it really isn't a solution. I'd at least try to fix things first, and that involves acknowledging that your own behaviour plays a role too.

A digestive biscuit or strawberry yogurt is not going to overfill him with what you call junk food, neither is the odd pizza, esp if you are out at costa on an occasion

This. You sound ridiculous.

And he sounds like an absolute arsewipe.

Your 'D'P sounds like a useless twat. He definitely shouldn't be calling you names, but it sounds like you think he's a shit dad and make that obvious to him. Maybe he's just retaliating. (Not saying that makes it ok). Baby shouldn't be wrapped in a duvet, and teeth should be done twice a day.

But you sound like hardwork. You need to relax. A yoghurt and a biscuit aren't going to harm a toddler as a treat.

ahh. I understand very well that our relationship and the way we communicate is completely wrong and I really don’t want my child to grow up in a house like this but I really don’t know how to fix this because almost every conversation ends up in some sort of argument about something.

He always had this carefree attitude and he didn’t acknowledge the fact that I was really struggling so most of the time I was doing my way, because he simply wasn’t home to do “his way”. I was mostly alone so had a routine established and then he swings in and ruins it because he’s a parent too? So were were you when I was alone?

I'm sorry, @TheOceanClub - that is rubbish for you (and for your partner and, most of all, for your child). This is where I think it really would be a good idea to see if there is any advice/counselling available. It sounds as if you both need to have your feelings heard by someone else in a non-judgemental setting. I do understand the "so where were you?" feeling - but what really matters is not letting it wash over onto your child.

ahh. I understand very well that our relationship and the way we communicate is completely wrong and I really don’t want my child to grow up in a house like this but I really don’t know how to fix this because almost every conversation ends up in some sort of argument about something.

This relationship obviously isn’t working and you’re both using the poor child as some sort of weapon to get one over on each other.
This is only going to get worse and it’s not a nice environment for you or your DH but it’s absolutely awful for your child.

You sound very controlling - like it’s your way or no way.
Many mixed race or black parents shave their baby’s head as they say the hair grows back thicker and curlier.
Theres also many parents (and nursery’s) that would feed yoghurts.

He sounds like he could have some anxiety issues which can happen after a baby is born but is not healthy if it gets out of hand.

You and your DH need to have a serious discussion about how unhealthy this all is and you either both make some serious changes or you separate.
I think it sounds like separation is the best thing for everyone.

I fed my kids strawberry yogurts snd pizza in the late 90’s/early 00’s. And chocolate cake on their first birthday.

Theyve grown up fine.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I wonder whether you're worried about leaving him alone with DC in case he loses his temper or leaves DC on his own? If this is the case (especially since he's been so nasty to you previously) please contact a domestic abuse service for support.

Apart from this, maybe find a time to talk, in a neutral place such as out for a walk. Get a friend to take DC for a couple of hours so you have space to do this. Make sure that you set some rules for the discussion from the start, e.g. both working to make some compromises in the best interests of DC. If you start to argue, cut it short, take 5 minutes out to calm down then apologise to each other (even if you feel he's in the wrong). Think about it as if he 'gives in' on something, you also have to 'give in' on something in return.

I think Relate still has a cost even if you're receiving benefits, but this is worth checking out as they may help you to reach a compromise.

If it really doesn't work after you've tried everything, have you considered moving back in with family for a few weeks? Some of what you said reminds me of a time I felt the same and think I would have benefited from some time away at the time.

Also perhaps worth contacting the health visitor to discuss your concerns. They can help with some of these parenting queries and may be able to offer some support with your relationship issues, or at least point you in the direction of someone who could help.