DD doesn't want to do Swimming gala or Maths tuition group

[UndertheCedartree]

Background
DD had Covid at Christmas and has since had Long Covid. She has had a lot of time off school and has been doing shorter days. She has just started doing the full day again. As well as the physical symptoms the Long Covid has left her very anxious and depressed. She used to be a glass half full type but now she is always focusing on the negatives, like when I ask about school she always moans about the things she dislikes where as before she would tell me about the positives of that day. She is in Y5.

DD really doesn't like her school swimming lessons. The main reasons being they make them stand around the outside of the outdoor pool and she gets cold and also that she hates being rushed to get dressed. There is a Swimming Gala coming up next week which due to Covid is her first one. She really doesn't want to do it. Mainly I think due to the fear of the unknown.

The second issue is she has been put in a Maths tuition group for DC that are close but not meeting age expected goals. This takes place over the Computing lesson (which only happens once a week) which she loves. She doesn't want to do the tuition group as she doesn't want to miss Computing. The tuition group involves them using a Maths computer programme with a couple of people to facilitate - as far as I am aware they don't actually teach them that is all done by the programme. She was actually quite excited to show me the programme at home and worked on it for a bit. They don't have to do any at home but can if they want.

So what would you do? I just feel like I'm constantly having to speak to her teacher about issues. Do I just keep her off on Swimming Gala day? Or contact her teacher about it? Should I ask to just work on the Maths at home? I'm exhausted with it all and just wish I could have my happy girl back.

Just having started full days again makes this an easy one for me. Keeping within her limits of coping = success, anything else leads to failure. This is the time to reduce demands a bit, not to push her.

Swimming gala... I get her point with regards to her recent health issues.

Maths... can you find her computing outside of school hours? Its a shame to miss a favourite subject for carch up work.

You keep giving her options which is probably adding to her anxiety.

I would take the approach of its x or y - and stick to it.

She behind with maths - these computer programs can be good at home but parents don’t alway insist they do them or are met with resistance.

Unfortunately I don’t think you are doing her any favours by letting her have choices -

Your going to the Gala is better for her than ‘well you could stay home’

Do I just keep her off on Swimming Gala day? Yes. Don’t bother contacting a teacher because they can’t let her off. Just write a note to excuse her or keep her off that day.

Should I ask to just work on the Maths at home? Yes. I would that way she doesn’t miss computing. You could consider getting a private Maths tutor as well. All extra tuition the schools offer is optional.

Yes, it is exhausting but that’s what you have to do when you have a DC with a chronic health condition and/or SEN. It is a constant battle.

I think the swimming let her off on medial grounds.

The maths one seems like it can be done out of school so I would commit to doing 15 min every day and let her continue with the subject that she enjoys. I think that catching up is about much more than hitting targets and if the computer lesson strengthens her attitude to school and learning it’s a good thing.

• when I ask about school she always moans about her dislikes

Then don’t ask her. It triggers a negative reaction. Break the cycle. Let her come to you

• The main reasons being they make them stand around the outside of the outdoor pool and she gets cold and also that she hates being rushed to get dressed.

So like all kids then? For goodness sake stop pandering to the child. If she’s that cold tell her she can ask her teacher to wear a dry robe. Let her deal with it.

Maths group- If she wants to try the programme outside of school, let her ask the teacher. Why on earth would it require you to ask. If they say no, then tough, she missing computing. Would you rather she falls behind in maths?

OP she has you running around trying to make life comfortable for her. That’s not your job!
All these things she wants, she is more than capable of asking herself at school.

I guarantee once you stop hyper focusing on her every comfort, she will be a lot happier.

Swimming gala - write her a note to excuse. Unnecessary anyway.

Maths/computing - yes tell school it is a big negativd she's missing computing and you want to do maths at home - but only if you'll actually do it!!!

Sorry she's had long COVID, horrible

@Dahlly
Did you miss the part where the OP mentioned her DD has long covid? Something like a swimming gala would probably over-exert a long covid sufferer. It’s not “pandering” to consider a chronic health condition that limits mobility and energy levels for things like swimming/exercise

And on the maths thing, the DD is in primary school. It’s not usual to have DC start arranging things with teachers until at least secondary school.

Swimming gala I’d let her miss given her health issues.

I’d be unhappy with her missing computing to have a session on Maths software that she could equally do at home. Personally I’d ask that she have the computing lessons and undertake to do the maths at home.

That makes sense.

I do get sad at what she is missing out on. For example the choir which she hasn't been able to go to as it is an after school club did a concert. And she hasn't been able to attend the 11+ club as it is before school.

I did suggest that we can do Coding at home which is what they are doing. But she insists she wants to do it at school and she also complains our laptop isn't touch screen like the ones at school!

I've not given her any options! I'm thinking myself what would be best and asking on here - I'm not having this conversation with her! She's actually fine at doing homework at home. I home educate my eldest so it is not a problem at all.

Thank you for giving your advice. And yes, I know , my eldest has SEN and I suspect my DD has too.

Thank you, that is very helpful.

So presumably she will have had a note from the doctor that she is fit to return to school and partake in sports, no?

Her dislikes are that she has to stand about and gets cold and doesn’t like having to get dressed quickly. Then all she needs to do is ask to wear a robe and to have 5 extra minutes to get changed. It’s not difficult.

I also don’t see how long covid plays a part in not wanting to go to maths group. That’s just a kid moaning that they don’t get to do what they want to do!

Yep, I'd definitely keep her out of both. You need to be keeping things ticking over, making school a place she wants to be. There's no point in pulling her out of a lesson she enjoys to do supervised work online which you can do perfectly well at home.

Arranging things with school?

Its asking a question, something that’s expected of all pupils of all ages. Kind of the point of school don’t you think?

We, yes like all kids but when you are chronically unwell and have bad anxiety and depression these things can be harder to deal with. But how exactly have I pandered to her? I've not stopped her doing swimming lessons. And of course she has to deal with it, like all parents, I should think, I drop my DD at school - I'm not there with her at the poolside!!

Why would it require me to ask? Firstly my DD's anxiety means she wouldn't ask the teacher. Secondly, I would like to have an adult conversation with her teacher about what she feels would be the best course of action, if necessary. And no she is not more than capable.

You could have a point about hyper focus, but this isn't something I discuss with her. I just encourage her to get on with things. I do ask her therapist to talk to her about things she is getting really upset about.

Thank you

I would have a meeting with the teacher about the maths. Find out what they do in the extra support group. It might not be as your dd describes.

Because you are feeding the anxiety, that there must be special arrangements put in place for her to be able to deal with normal, run of the mill school life.
Youll have noticed, that the more arrangements made, the more she has expects .

That’s so strikingly clear with the maths group. Her health doesn’t affect her partaking in that group, but she wishes for a special arrangements made for her and expects you to sort it out for her. Why? There’s no reason other than she just doesn’t want to do it.

My point is that SHE should be asking for these arrangements. Not the arrangements shouldn’t be made. If she is unable to participate in school life fully, then she’s missing out. She can make these small requests that will facilitate her to participate fully. Surely that’s what you want?

No, she has never had a note, she is still waiting to see the paediatrician. She can take part in P.E and swimming but stops if she needs to as she gets chest pain and fatigue.

I doubt they are going to want the DC to finish their swimming lesson early and traipse back to the changing room to get a robe - which I would also have to buy!

Re:Maths group. The point is she has missed out on so much, is so depressed and struggles with her Long Covid symptoms, it would be nice for her to have a few weeks doing her favourite subject.

Thank you. I agree with all your points.

Thanks for the advice.