To not know whether to believe him..

[oldcatlady88]

I have been seeing someone since I split up with my childrens father 9 months ago. I’ve known him a couple of years and we’d occasionally message but we were both in relationships.
He’s kind and been nothing but nice to me.
I left my ex as he was getting naked photos and video of other women, and he used to be quite verbally abusive to me. I guess I turned to this guy for emotional support that I was getting from my ex after 10 years.
Anyway, there’s a girl on my new man’s sports team who fancies him. He said she asked him out, he said he was flattered but no thank you.
I stayed at his the other week and say she was messaging him. He also always get called by his initials.. and I’ve noticed his initials with a ❤️ next to it is on her Facebook bio. He says that’s coincidence, it’s not him and he’s sorry he hasn’t done enough to make me feel I can trust him.
What would you do? Leave it, message her?, trust him? It’s eating away at me but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.

There’s nothing of any substance in his messages to you, no positive action he’s willing to take. It’s all empty words.

What do you think he should be saying?

Think he should be telling you why they're messaging. Why message someone you know likes you and you have turned down. Seems a bit cruel. He hasn't said he will stop messaging her. Also he needs to introduce you to his friends. He needs to like your sm. He needs to tag your photos so she can see. He needs to update his status from single.
He needs to prove his love. That's the sort of thing he needs to be saying. The friends thing is the biggest thing here. If he doesnt do that I'd seriously question his motives to commit to you and also you need to know why you can't meet his friends.
The sports club girl may just be unrequited love from her part. I wouldn't contact her because that's adding fuel to the fire. Or you can wait and see because if he is cheating, which I'm not sure he is, then it will all come out pretty soon I'd say.
Also, see if his ex is seeing anyone if you can then there's no excuse to not post a photo of you on his page. Sorry this is all a bit disjointed, its getting late. Just that you sound so worried, understandably and didntwant to read and run.

@Strawberriesaregreat Thank you, I appreciate that. You're right and he does need to try to show a bit more rather than just saying he's sorry I don't trust him. X

Maybe you need to spell out to him the 3 reasons that you don’t trust him:

1. Refusing your tags and no recognition of you on social media


2. Not introducing you to his friends


3. Frequently messaging a girl who he has admitted is chasing him

If he’s sorry he hasn’t done enough to make you trust him, then he can address these points.

I think you have good reason not to trust him.

Why is he even messaging her even if it's boring crap about what he's up to/the weather etc?

Most people feel awkward if they have had to turn someone down and try to avoid them so as not to give them any ideas that there could be the faintest interest in them.

Either he likes his ego being stroked by 'fan girl' or he is dallying with you both.

OP looking at those msgs he’s sent you I would be wanting out if I were you. He clearly seems to be upset with you for raising a concern and it seems he feels this is a regular thing and is bitter about that. The message asking if everything is going to a test is either him showing he’s fed up of this (which shows he has not intention of changing and believes you’re in the wrong or a nag for bringing it up) or he’s simply gaslighting you.
Do you really want expressions of love to be followed by “ok” making it sound like you’ve forced his hand into admitting it? If he genuinely did it would be expressed with words of affection and kindness and contrition for his actions, not as a weapon to prove his innocence in something and then make you feel bad for being worried.
his messages read rather uncaring and like he’s fed up of you in the cold harsh light of day. Sorry :/ Hoping you can realise you’re deserving of a much better man than that who loves you for who you are, baggage and all.

Most sensible post on the entire thread from@Strawberriesaregreat - she sums it all up beautifully OP.

His messages COULD be interpreted as 'loving' but to me, they read as suspiciously hyperbolic.
"All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy" is codswallop innit. Only a hopeless romantic or a teenager would be taken in by it.

OP - did you ever just TELL him - face to face - that you are concerned/pissed off that it feels like he's refusing to introduce you to his mates?
That his rejection of your facebook tag, his single status etc, while a small matter, is big TO YOU because his excuse is that he is prioritising his ex's feelings over YOURS (the woman he purports to love & want to make happy!?)
That you wonder why he snapchats, then minimises/denies snapchatting, Sports Woman, when he knows she holds a torch for him & you feel that's a cruel thing to do to her, & a mixed message to you? That he is hurting YOU by refusing to cut it out? The person he "always tried to support"?

Because if you have, & all you are getting back is this word salad, I think you should dump him without compunction.

However ... if you have NOT - & I suspect you haven't, because - forgive me - you seem to have been doing a lot of passive-aggressive hinting, but don't seem to have clearly stated your wishes - he may have a point with "is everything always going to be a test?"

If you have not told him, directly & simply, that these 3 things piss you off, how is he going to know?
Please don't feel criticised here OP: it's kinda understandable that you're scared of stating your needs directly, because you are so scared of being rejected again.
This is why you are measuring yourself against this Sports Woman, instead of measuring HIM.
You are scared that history will repeat, but, sadly - if you 1) do not use plain speech, in person, with him & 2) continue to "test" instead of "state", you are going to remain unhappy & he - if innocent - will remain confused, & pushed away.

Stop competing with Sports Woman, & start addressing him clearly & directly, And not by text.

Here's a vital resource to help you understand why competing with another woman is self-defeating - www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Once you've read that, spend some time - a LOT of time! - noodling round ChumpLady's excellent site. I can't think of a better resource to help you heal from the wound your Ex inflicted on you. If you combine it with the Assertiveness book I linked upthread, you will be well on the way to achieving ChumpLady's goal for all the cheated-on: "Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life".
She's also hilarious, which helps.

You are gonna be ok whether you choose to let your current guy stick around or not OP. Once you start truly valuing yourself, other people's fucks-up (if he HAS fucked up, & I rather suspect he has, because it's all mouth & no trousers right now) you will lose the need to 'test' men, because you will be so much more secure in yourself. That's 100% more valuable than a relationship with someone who is as ... evasive as this man has been.

The most important part of this op is that he knows that you are upset by him messaging this woman, yet he hasn't said that he will stop. He's hedging his bets and leading her on in the meantime, which makes him a bit of a twat.

You are either the ow ,or he's keeping her as a back up plan . I would walk away this isn't normal he's hiding something

Thank you all! Latest update is that he messaged her and sent me the screen shot. He basically said hope you're well, random questions but who's initials are on your bio?
She replied saying wouldn't you like to know.. and that it's someone called (insert name with same initial here) and it's early days but going well.

Arrrgh OP.
How do YOU feel about that?

Because on the one hand, it could be read as "hurrah, she's not stalking him", so this IS an innocent friendship.
On the other - he's STILL messaging her, but now that he's sending screenshots of a purportedly 'good' outcome ... that's meant to be ok now?

It's time to stop with the texting & start with the face to face talking OP, if you are still wanting to date him.
He may be above board as far as this woman is concerned, but he still hasn't introduced you to his friends, despite meeting yours.
And his refusal to accept the facebook tag in case it upsets his ex is bullshit. He doesn't get to pander to an ex by hiding you - that's a disgusting lack of respect to both you AND her!

I suggest you make those 2 aspects your non-negotiables, & proceed accordingly. If he genuinely "wants nothing expect to make you happy" as he so grandly claimed, he'll obviously be happy to do those 2 smalls things for you - no?

Yeah definitely certainly not a set up at all.

Why would you put someone's initials in your bio if it's early days? I don't get why people do it at all over the age of about 16 but that's by the by.

Even if it is genuine, she now thinks he's jealous. Good move.

Conversely, he & Sports Woman are having a wild affair, & concocted the 'plausible deniability' screenshot between them.

That's a reach ... & I don't think it's likely - but until he stops bombarding you with WORDS & starts delivering ACTIONS, whyTF would you believe he is sincere?

Well he won't mind being tagged in a post or updating his relationship status then on social media, will he

Quite.

Men - nice men, faithful men as well as the men that aren't - spend a large proportion of their lives apologising when they have no idea what they did. They may be a bit thick or insensitive or just utterly bewildered, but apologetic doesn't necessarily mean guilty.