To not know whether to believe him..

[oldcatlady88]

I have been seeing someone since I split up with my childrens father 9 months ago. I’ve known him a couple of years and we’d occasionally message but we were both in relationships.
He’s kind and been nothing but nice to me.
I left my ex as he was getting naked photos and video of other women, and he used to be quite verbally abusive to me. I guess I turned to this guy for emotional support that I was getting from my ex after 10 years.
Anyway, there’s a girl on my new man’s sports team who fancies him. He said she asked him out, he said he was flattered but no thank you.
I stayed at his the other week and say she was messaging him. He also always get called by his initials.. and I’ve noticed his initials with a ❤️ next to it is on her Facebook bio. He says that’s coincidence, it’s not him and he’s sorry he hasn’t done enough to make me feel I can trust him.
What would you do? Leave it, message her?, trust him? It’s eating away at me but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.

I think in your position i would be suspicious of it all too. If your both on social media and there's no sign of you on his plus he didn't accept your tag i think that's odd. He can easily use his ex as an excuse but really they've separated so he's free to have a new relationship and post about it or accept posts about it. I wouldn't trust him at all, ofcourse i could be wrong and he's being honest but it just doesn't seem right to me. How did this other woman get his number? Why are they even messaging eachother if he knows she likes him but he turned her down? Maybe he should stop with the texts as she may think there's a chance coz he's messaging her back all the time.

You could post a pic of you together on FB, make it public and tag him. Even if he doesn't accept the tag it will still be publically viewable.
See if he says anything about that!

No definitely don't do this. I don't think you should actually message her either, not several months in.

I think at this stage it's about deciding whether you trust him or not and whether the relationship is enough of what you want to be able to build that trust, say by asking about meeting his friends etc. It might be that you decide 'too ambiguous, not sitting right, I don't like feeling this way' and that wins out. You might give things a chance but try and keep a lid on investing any further emotional capital until you are more welcomed into his life.

It's not always about catching people red handed, it's about weighing up whether you're happy knowing/ not knowing what you do. I recently ended things with a guy, amongst other reasons because I didn't like his behaviour and comments around a married female friend. I didn't suspect an affair was happening but I know what I saw and it looked a lot like interest from him and her quite enjoying the attention. I'd have had no proof. he would have denied it if I'd asked if he did like her so it was necessary in the end to just decide 'not on my time. I won't be sat here feeling like you've got your eyes elsewhere'. And it was a very liberating decision.

Normally I read these kinds of threads and think the women is running away with things and massively overthinking... However this time I'm more dubious about his account... The not accepting you tagging him in a photo of the 2 of you would make me think he was trying to hide your existence so he has options with other women.

Oh dear. The initial thing doesn’t sound good, nor the not accepting the tag.

Have you met his friends and family?

‘Just wanted to politely let her know’? Like a dog marking its territory?

Call his bluff? - so you mean you have already made up your mind he is cheating on you with this woman?

tell him I messaged her - are you actually going to message her? Only do that if you want to look like a jealous bunny boiler. Or do you mean, pretend to him that you have messaged her? Only do that if you actually ARE a bunny boiler.

Stop playing games, stop interrogating him, & stop texting him about your insecurity. It's not attractive behaviour, & will not make any difference at all to the facts, which are:
He is either telling the truth, or he is lying.
You either trust him, or you do not.
If you continue to cross-examine him about this woman, he will dump you.

This is a hell of a lot of drama for a new relationship.
Also, each of you are recently out of other relationships. You must still be in the 'rebound' stage, because your suspicion & paranoia about some random woman snapchatting him even though he has turned her down is obviously stemming from the insecurity your previous man's sleazy behaviour instilled in you.

Why not work on that, through therapy, or reading up on self-esteem, instead of projecting it onto your new man?

What's the worst that can happen?
You decide to trust him, enjoy his company, & sure - you could get blindsided with a later discovery that yes, he is a cheat. And that will hurt you. But you could say that about anyone you get into a relationship with - any human has the capacity to cheat. So the only cure for your insecurity is either to never date again - or to get to the root cause of it through therapy & self-development.

Hope this is all a storm in a teacup OP.
Stop stirring the pot now, & focus on what YOU enjoy about your b/f, & forget about Ms Initials On My Facebook. She's not the problem - your relationship-destroying insecurity is the problem.

I would be SO sarcastic in response if a woman sent me that message.

What syntax is available that "politely" informs one human that another human is the message-sender's express property?

Or ... OP could have a grown-up conversation with him, face to face, like a sane person.

OP, read@Peachtoiletpaper's post again, & work on whatever it is you need to do to gain that poise & self-determination for yourself.

Here's an 'oldie but goodie' to get you started -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

What sport team is it? Can you go and watch him? I'd see how happy he is for you to go along to where ever he sees her. If he makes excuses as to why it couldn't happen then I would just end things.

Sounds too intense for a relatively new relationship. Perhaps you need some time on your own to work on your insecurities.

Eh??
There's red flags of being deceived all over this OP.
The initials, the refusing the tag, still messaging this woman..the list goes on.
Good luck

Why aren't you allowed to meet his friends? Do you go out for meals in local restaurants? Drink in his local pub?

It sounds like he's keeping you a secret.

Does he show any of the other classic signs of cheating? E.g. very protective of his phone, never letting you stay at his place etc. The not tagging you on Facebook is pretty suspicious to me.

Why haven't you met his friends?

The whole thing is suspicious as hell. Honestly op, you'd be better off alone for a while. You've just come out of one relationship, why dive straight into another?

Then OP needs to talk about the red flags with him face to face, & stop fantasising about texting this woman.

As in: "how is it that you've met my friends, but I've not met yours? Why did you refuse the facebook tag? Why are you stringing along the Initials Woman, when you know she wants something more from you, but you maintain you have already turned her down?"

& ignore anything he says about "trust", & focus entirely on what he DOES, not what he SAYS. And if she remains suspicious - dump him pronto, stay single for a while, & not date anyone who makes her feel insecure.

Same.

So she has his number? He must have given it.
He doesn't want you to meet his friends and he doesn't want joint pics on his Facebook page.
Added to which, he has jumped into a new relationship not long after the end of his previous one.
I'd be wary, tbh.

"I'm not Snapchatting her I'm messaging her"🙄

Why is he even messaging her?

Perhaps have a break from men?

I think send her a message if you have no mutual friends you can ask as a go between. I’d want to know if I were her if I was being taken for a mug. The not accepting the tag is ringing alarm bells, as well as using Snapchat as the messages are deleted.

Have you been to watch him play the sport? I think I'd just turn up and see his reaction. You'll know one way or another.

You were messaging each other when you were both in relationships, and you haven’t really clarified whether he was single when you “turned to him for emotional support”.

Now he’s doing the same again, messaging another woman whilst in a relationship, the only thing not clear to me is which of you is the primary relationship and which is the OW, though I’m leaning more towards you being the OW.

Have you thought about just being single for a while and building up your self esteem and figuring out how to be happy without a man in the background?

The fact that you were messaging each other while both being in relationships tells you all you need to know.

You don't really trust each other because you both know what you're both capable of .

Grown men with nothing to hide don't Snapchat women who fancy them.