To not know whether to believe him..

[oldcatlady88]

I have been seeing someone since I split up with my childrens father 9 months ago. I’ve known him a couple of years and we’d occasionally message but we were both in relationships.
He’s kind and been nothing but nice to me.
I left my ex as he was getting naked photos and video of other women, and he used to be quite verbally abusive to me. I guess I turned to this guy for emotional support that I was getting from my ex after 10 years.
Anyway, there’s a girl on my new man’s sports team who fancies him. He said she asked him out, he said he was flattered but no thank you.
I stayed at his the other week and say she was messaging him. He also always get called by his initials.. and I’ve noticed his initials with a ❤️ next to it is on her Facebook bio. He says that’s coincidence, it’s not him and he’s sorry he hasn’t done enough to make me feel I can trust him.
What would you do? Leave it, message her?, trust him? It’s eating away at me but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.

FFS, don't do this. Unless you want to look unhinged.

You sound 14

I find it very interesting that when asked why there was nothing to worry about his reply was to effect of "I thought you would have trusted me by now". He completely switched the situation round to make you feel at fault. He could have said "Because I think you're lovely and a million times nicer than her". He could have joked and said "Give over, I've got enough on my plate with you!". He could have reassured you in numerous different ways but instead he turned it round on you. Red flag.

Thanks everyone. I messaged him today and said maybe we should call it off as I'm just tormenting myself with what is or isn't the truth and it's not fair on enough of us.
He rang and spoke for about an hour saying he's sorry he's made me feel this way, he tries him best to make me happy by taking me out and buying me gifts (he does get me a lot of random presents), he'd been saving in the hope we could rent somewhere of our own. He said he was sad I felt that way and he doesn't "live his life" on social media. He has no interest in this woman.
I don't know. I turned my phone off for a while to try to have a break and he'd text 4-5 times saying he's sorry and he loves me.

What's he actually sorry for? Has he explained what he's apologising for?

But you can't help how you feel, and sometimes your gut just knows when something's amiss.

Good point, if he's done nothing wrong then what is he sorry for?

I'm very wary of being showered with gifts. I don't want love bombing and being treated to nice things, I want a respectful, adult relationship where I'm treated well but as an equal.

He said he was sad I felt that way and he doesn't "live his life" on social media.
Well that's a blatant lie.
He doesn't 'live his life' on social media that features YOU ie the facebook tag.
he seems quite adept living a life on Snapchat though.
Does he think you're daft?

He has no interest in this woman.
Then why is he snapcahtting her?
Why does she have his number?

he'd been saving in the hope we could rent somewhere of our own
But only mentions it now? As a unilateral decision he;d previously been keeping from you? Chinny reckon.
Future Faker.

I dunno OP. Maybe his 4 or 5 texts wanting to chase you back are genuine sorrow at losing you.
Maybe they are attempts to Hoover you back because he doesn't like losing 1 of the 2 women he is seeing/flirting with.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

If you are still torn, have a good, honest, in-person chat with him about it.
All this second guessing is ridiculous, & painful for you.
He either wants to back off from this woman who wants to date him, because he'd rather be with you & values 1) your peace of mind & 2) fairness & clarity to her that he is unavailable - or he does not.

You'll only find out by asking clear, direct questions.

But you must also be prepared to hold your boundary, & walk away, if he baulks at closing down the messaging with this woman.

He probably doesn’t have a clue what he’s apologising for because he doesn’t appear to have actually done anything: a woman he knows through a hobby has initials which match his on her FB profile and once asked him out on a date. Neither of these are things he has any control over. I expect he’s apologising because he doesn’t know quite what else to do.

Honestly just don’t get involved. A drink , supper the movies just social
stuff. Play it very cool.

Exactly.

Until OP has a open, honest conversation with him, instead of focusing on this woman, she'll never know if he is genuine, or a love-bombing future faker with a bit on the side.

He's exchanging messages with her and has her on Snapchat. As I said earlier, grown men generally don't communicate via Snapchat.

He says he's sorry for making me feel this way and not doing enough to make me trust him

@oldcatlady88 please don't take this as an insult but you sound incredibly intense in your communications with this man. I actually think a lot of the red flags are coming from your behaviours.

I think that given your last relationship ended so recently you would benefit on having some time to yourself and alone. It will do you the world of good.

If this guy is genuine and not cheating then he will wait for you to be ready to embark on a new relationship.

All messages are gone within 24 hours, so it is a cheater's dream.

Words.

No action - such as deleting feckin' snapchat, for example ...

I wouldn't be exactly chuffed if my partner started texting a girl (all the time) that I knew fancied him. That's not really how relationships work and I imagine your man would feel the same about you if you had someone else in your phone book. It all feels like he's being very secretive but I guess only you know how you really feel.

There's an easy answer. Post a photo of you and him on Facebook / social media again and tag him. If he accepts the tag all should be fine and he's probably genuine. If he declined it again he can't use the excuse of his ex after all this time. It's odd you've been kept separate from his friends.
If he tries the "I shouldn't have to do this, you should trust me" then walk away.

I think if you're feeling so unsure this early on and that something isn't sitting right, then you should just walk away from it.

It would be the best thing for you and your child before things get even more serious between you.

Trust your instincts.

You sound very intense and hard work. He sounds untrustworthy. Walk away.

It doesn't look good, the fact he's not introduced you to his friends, has no trace of you on social media and is continuing to chat to her regularly knowing it upsets you are all really big ⛳⛳⛳

I had a not too disimilar situation years ago when I first met my now DH and he immediately cut all ties, blocked her on everything and left the group he'd met her through because it upset me so much.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo I didn't take it the wrong way at all. I understand what you are saying. I think you're maybe right and I maybe should give everything a bit of time. I think because I expected my last relationship to last forever to then found out he was cheating on me when I'd just had a baby.

Yep and that must have been horrendous. I really feel for you having to go through all of that and to carry on with very young children. I do think you need to give yourself some time to grieve that relationship and (as cliche as it sounds) find yourself a bit.

Don't even give headspace to the other shit. Just tell him you need time and space.

I agree. It sounds like you're projecting the hurt inflicted on you from your previous relationship onto this new guy, which is understandable when you've been treated horribly - but it's not his fault.

He's been honest with you about this woman asking him out, he's told you he's not interested, yet you appear to interrogate him in your text messages. It sounds to me like he's keen (on you), but a bit bewildered and confused by your behaviour, so is apologising to try and calm the situation down. I certainly wouldn't jump to "he's apologising - he must have done something terrible!"

Just take things slowly. Not all men are cheating arseholes, but you may just push this one away if you continue to punish him for something you think he might-possibly-but-possibly-not have done. I really do hope he's one of the good ones, they are out there!

Thank you all honestly I really appreciate all opinions! He does seem genuinely upset which wasn't my intention.. I didn't reply for a while and he sent me a few messages..