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Original poster

Partners finances

75 replies

FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 11:55

So I'm a widow in an 8 month relationship with a widower. He got stung by a financial advisor and lost his private pension (perpetrator in prison) he now only has state pension. I'm in a comfortable position, 4 private pensions, plus state pension. His house worth £300k mine £430k. I'm uneasy that we won't be able to share equally a life together. I'm disinclined to pay for everything, I can see money disappearing fast if I did and who knows what care I might need as I get older.

Thoughts, does a financial difference matter in a relationship? What experiences have other MNetters had in this situation?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 18/06/2022 11:57

If he can't manage on the state pension can downsize his home?
No point eating beans yet sitting on an asset.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 18/06/2022 11:58

It's very sad but I'd have the same reservations as you I'm afraid. I assume you're both of an age where he would be unable to recoup any/much of the loss? My reading is you are both drawing pensions but I could be wrong.

Whilst it's very sad for him, I don't think I'd be blowing my financial security for such a new relationship I'm afraid... it's not his fault, but then it's not yours either!

godmum56 · 18/06/2022 12:00

Its sensible to consider this. Also consider if there is any liklihood that he is a scammer.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/06/2022 12:05

So you will only date someone in the exact same financial position as you?
you don’t need to cohabit or marry to be in a relationship, sounds like keeping everything to yourself is the way you want it

DenholmElliot1 · 18/06/2022 12:08

I think it's fine to carry on dating you just need to have dates you can both afford.

It's interesting how many men of a certain age with little money always seem to bag women with assets and property. Almost as if that were their aim in the first place.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:12

ZekeZeke · 18/06/2022 11:57

If he can't manage on the state pension can downsize his home?
No point eating beans yet sitting on an asset.

He could downsize I guess but tbh you can't get much around here under £300k

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:15

EnterFunnyNameHere · 18/06/2022 11:58

It's very sad but I'd have the same reservations as you I'm afraid. I assume you're both of an age where he would be unable to recoup any/much of the loss? My reading is you are both drawing pensions but I could be wrong.

Whilst it's very sad for him, I don't think I'd be blowing my financial security for such a new relationship I'm afraid... it's not his fault, but then it's not yours either!

Yes we are both drawing pensions.

He does the odd driving for his son which helps him.

It's a new relationship and at this stage I'm not going to live with him. We have discussed expenses when we do spend time together and today agreed on having a kitty we both put the same amount in to cover coffees, lunches out etc.

It's long term I'm looking at.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:17

godmum56 · 18/06/2022 12:00

Its sensible to consider this. Also consider if there is any liklihood that he is a scammer.

I'm 99.9% he's not a scammer and I'm not a silly old woman, yet, haha, and won't be taken in by a scammer.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 18/06/2022 12:17

FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:12

He could downsize I guess but tbh you can't get much around here under £300k

Show quote history

8 months isn't long at all.
Continue dating, having fun.
If he can't afford to go out/socialise to your standards you need to reconsider the relationship

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:18

Thanks ZekeZeke, it's how I'm playing it at the moment.

OP posts:
PrawnToast5 · 18/06/2022 12:51

Would you date someone with more money/assets than you?

HollowTalk · 18/06/2022 12:57

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/06/2022 12:05

So you will only date someone in the exact same financial position as you?
you don’t need to cohabit or marry to be in a relationship, sounds like keeping everything to yourself is the way you want it

At that point in your life though maybe that's the best way to be?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/06/2022 13:00

I think that when you have no prospect of adding to your life pot it is only sensible to consider the financial side of any relationship. He could be the nicest man in the world but if he couldn't share the relationship expenses then there would be all sorts of imbalances, resentments building up.

That's not to say dump him, but to seriously consider the retirement you would have with him as your partner. Is it what you imagined? What you want? Or would you be giving up too much in experiences, financial outlay etc?

Once you are retired it really is time to remember you only get one life... Live it as best you can. Be as selfish about it as you bloody well like.

And ignore all the pissy posts whining about you being money oriented. You are being eminently sensible to stop and consider this.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 13:03

Thank you Samphire, I don't feel selfish in my thinking, I'm eminently sensible and thinking of my future stability. It's good to get confirmation from you.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 13:05

We do spend a lot of time together, maybe I need to pull back a bit, but how to do that without it being too obvious. After over 40 years of marriage before becoming a widow, I'm floundering somewhat.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/06/2022 13:11

It's early days - providing he's not showing signs of being a moocher, I'd wait and see how things progress.

If you do become serious he could rent his property out and put the extra income into the communal pot.

In the interim look at doing things cheaply. DH and I are considering joining pet sitting agencies when we're retired for cheap holidays, that sort of thing.

The most important thing is how are you together and if you think he is the right one for you. How long have you been together?

rookiemere · 18/06/2022 13:12

Oh sorry you already said - 8 months.

ConsistentlRetr080 · 18/06/2022 14:01

You don't have to disclose your finances to anyone
8 months seems too early, unless you can see yourself in a long term relationship with this person ?

ConsistentlRetr080 · 18/06/2022 14:02

You can still have hobbies & holidays with other friends & family or alone ?

spongedog · 18/06/2022 14:04

Can he not get a part-time job? Many retired people still carry on working.

Barleysugar86 · 18/06/2022 14:16

I think the most important thing here is whether your life is happier with him in it.? How much enjoyment would you have taking the more fancy trips and dining in the fancy restaurants if you are doing it alone? Would more budget options with him along feel better overall to you?

I suspect your hesitation on money suggests you aren't entirely too sure about him and think perhaps you could meet someone better. Which is fine and if that's where you were at you could keep things casual on that basis.

I have dated men who earned much less than me before, but the happiness and companionship they have brought to my life has made it worth it and I don't think I ever noticed that I was topping up their contribution because I wouldn't have wanted to do those things without them.

Keep being pragmatic about the relationship certainly, but if he brings you joy you are allowed to spend something on that too. Think of him like a hobby!

Sirius3030 · 18/06/2022 14:46

DenholmElliot1 · 18/06/2022 12:08

I think it's fine to carry on dating you just need to have dates you can both afford.

It's interesting how many men of a certain age with little money always seem to bag women with assets and property. Almost as if that were their aim in the first place.

Because that certainly never happens the other way round!!

Sirius3030 · 18/06/2022 14:51

This wouldn’t even be a thread if the genders were reversed!

ComputerQueen · 18/06/2022 15:04

A man posting about a woman would've been torn to shreds!
There are only 2 options - you both live like you're on a lower income. Or share.

Otherwise you can just keep it casual, seeing each other but not moving in together or anything, which is common in older couples.

I'm a high earner, one of my exes was long-term unemployed due to disability. It was very hard. I was already quite anxious about money (foreign national, no family help to buy a house etc). I deliberately chose a highly paid career. Freedom to me is ordering a takeaway when I feel like it, not having to budget to the penny.
Having to pay for two lots of everything did nothing to help. I started to resent it, he sensed it and dumped me before I had the chance to.

My fiance is on par with me, and life's so much easier. Of course I'm sticking by his side if anything unfortunate happens, and will have to adjust my outlook in that case. But different from deliberately dating someone who doesn't have the means.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/06/2022 15:23

Bollocks to that sexist shite.

I'd have responded in exactly the same way to a male poster.

I have no idea why some are so invested in continually doing that switch of sexes thing here. It's a site dominated by female posters. Women are going to be supported by mere dint of them being on here.

Given the nature of the site it's ludicrous to assume anything from that. Especially given some of the threads by men who also get a lot of support.

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