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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners finances

75 replies

FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 11:55

So I'm a widow in an 8 month relationship with a widower. He got stung by a financial advisor and lost his private pension (perpetrator in prison) he now only has state pension. I'm in a comfortable position, 4 private pensions, plus state pension. His house worth £300k mine £430k. I'm uneasy that we won't be able to share equally a life together. I'm disinclined to pay for everything, I can see money disappearing fast if I did and who knows what care I might need as I get older.

Thoughts, does a financial difference matter in a relationship? What experiences have other MNetters had in this situation?

OP posts:

OompaLoompaa · 19/06/2022 08:14

Do you have friends you can do more expensive things with, it’s always good to try and have a network of people in case it doesn’t work out with this guy? . Eight months is still early days.
Could he afford to save X amount a month towards a pot for holidays and then you book last minute holidays? I’m recently retired and have just booked for the week after next at 55% off.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/06/2022 08:40

Just no OP. Do you really want to live a struggling lifestyle with this man when you have the means not to?

OompaLoompaa · 19/06/2022 09:22

I guess it depends how much you want to do and with your partner and how big a part of your life he is.
My neighbour has a long time partner that lives in his own house, she holidays with him but also goes away with her girl friends. She had lots of friends and goes to the cinema or meals out with them and then sees her partner a few times a week as well.

FinallyHere · 19/06/2022 10:18

After over 40 years of marriage before becoming a widow, I'm floundering somewhat.

I think your gut is trying to remind you to keep in mind that he is not your husband. It's very easy to fall into those patterns with a new partner.

By all means enjoy your time with him but so make a point of not spending all your time with him. Cultivate your other interests.

You can then be happy to keep expenses lower with him. Do the more luxurious things either alone or with other friends. Enjoy his company for what it is. It isn't everything in your life.

helpimgoingcrazyhere · 19/06/2022 10:25

I can see where you are coming from having been in a similar situation with someone who had a lower income. At the start of the relationship I started by paying for more of the meals etc but then he rarely reciprocated (even occasionally would have been nice) and if we split a meal he would work it down to the penny. He wasnt going on holidays with his kids or even many days out and whilst we weren’t blending families I would often share ticket /cheap day out offers that came up on my mum chats thinking it was just expensive to take a bigger family out. In the end I realised it wasn’t just money but an incompatibility of lifestyles and he just wasn’t a generous guy. Gaming days won over days out with his kids (fine but not for me) and whilst there were other factors (including a porn addiction) the income disparity was a deciding factor not to invest more time in the relationship. I chose to prioritise my little family unit for my spending instead.

user1471538283 · 19/06/2022 10:32

I would want to make sure his story is true first.

It is so disappointing when we have worked hard to be comfortable and the men available have spent so much money and time on others.

I think I would look elsewhere.

Original poster

FlorianImogen · 19/06/2022 12:21

Just out of interest does anyone know how much a state pension is for men?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 19/06/2022 12:23

State pension in uk no longer distinguishes between men and women.

https://www.gov.uk/new-state-pension/what-youll-get

OompaLoompaa · 19/06/2022 12:26

I think my dad used to get nearly £800 per month.

RewildingAmbridge · 19/06/2022 12:30

It depends on his age and contributions. DF is seventy has worked full time since he was 14, retired at 65. He gets some kind of top up on his pension because of excess contributions and his is a little over £1000 a month, which if your mortgage is paid off is actually fine. He doesn't have a private pension benefit this was rubbish so he called out in a good few years ago and invested it elsewhere. So not the same as your partner as he is financially very comfortable, and has pots to dip into when he wants to upgrade his car or go on a nice holiday, but he says he doesn't spend all of his pension every month. I think the newer state pension is closer to £800 a month, but if he has nothing else he might also be entitled to pension credits

RewildingAmbridge · 19/06/2022 12:32

He doesn't have a private pension benefit this was rubbish so he called out in a good few years ago and invested it elsewhere

He doesn't have a private pension becquse his was rubbish so he cashed out a good few years ago and invested it elsewhere....
Typos

ClaryFairchild · 19/06/2022 12:33

If he has a spare room he could get a lodger? Then he would have extra money coming in. Hopefully enough to even get some savings.

JustG0G0G0000 · 19/06/2022 16:05

The UK state pension is approx £9627 per year

I believe that people on a reduced state pension, can apply for Pension Credit

Free bus bus & other discounts available eg reduced rail travel

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 04/04/2023 07:26

Back again.

So we're 16 months into our relationship and when we go away together we have a kitty, that is we both out in an equal amount. This is for food, eating out etc and it works ok.

When we're not away, we spend most of the time at mine, I'm more comfortable being at mine and he's ok with that. But of course my food shop bill has give up, and of course my household utilities will reflect an increase.

I am going to suggest we have a kitty when at mine too, although how it'll work I'm not sure as he'll be here 3/4 days then go home for 2/3.

Any thoughts please?

BloaterW1 · 04/04/2023 07:44

I'm not sure, seems abit mean , charging for him coming round. If you are home he can't be using many more utilities?

Ragwort · 04/04/2023 07:54

You need to ask him outright, Name I enjoy your company and you are welcome to stay 3/4 nights a week but I would appreciate a contribution of £X towards the extra food I need to buy in.
To be honest as a mature woman who is (presumably?) sharing a bed with this man it is worrying that you just can't say this ... but also he knows the financial situation and it is odd that he hasn't offered. He honestly does sound as though he knows he is on to a good thing with you.
And how old is he that he really can't get a part time job? If he didn't have you in his life or another wealthy woman he might be looking at some form of part time work?

Starseeking · 04/04/2023 08:04

To be honest, I'd expect a partner to be offering to contribute, rather than me having to ask him.

Having been with a partner who earned less than half my salary and was miserly with it, I wouldn't be comfortable being in that position ever again.

Bansheed · 04/04/2023 08:13

I think the key thing is can you afford to support you both in the lifestyle you want.

If you can and don't want to, then I think you are entitled to that, but that makes your relationship very transactional.

If you cannot, then you will be unhappy if you stay together.

PicaK · 04/04/2023 08:20

I don't think guy is taking you for a ride. You seem obsessed with counting the discrepancy. I used to count in that way too - turned out I was autistic.
You have more money - it's a bit more on food and what heating for his showers and an extra washing machine spin. In exchange you get to be comfy in your home, he drives over to you. (who pays for the petrol?)
I'd relax. He seems nice. Don't spoil it for the sake of £20 a week.

Chowtime · 04/04/2023 08:25

You could always go to his - or ask him to come over after dinner (but I totally get the point is that you want to eat dinner with someone otherwise whats the point)

But like another PP said - if he's nice in other ways, why spoil things for the sake of £20 a week.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 04/04/2023 08:28

Bansheed · 04/04/2023 08:13

I think the key thing is can you afford to support you both in the lifestyle you want.

If you can and don't want to, then I think you are entitled to that, but that makes your relationship very transactional.

If you cannot, then you will be unhappy if you stay together.

Mmm you make very good points.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 04/04/2023 08:29

PicaK · 04/04/2023 08:20

Yeah maybe I'm over thinking this.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/04/2023 08:42

If he only has the state pension, is he entitled to extra credit or other top ups? Even a small amount could help and act as a gateway to further financial help.

Is there any compensation available due to him being conned by an advisor? Eg there was a payout (or it is in the process of going through) to the members of the British Steel pension scheme who were badly advised. Has he investigated anything like that?

Could he free up money by moving somewhere with cheaper bills/less expensive area?

Or if you end up living together, you probably won't need £700k+ worth of housing between you, so if the relationship gets that far, he will presumably end up releasing some of his housing equity that way?

Or I know they're not for everyone, but could he get a lifetime mortgage to top up his income? Will allow him to have a bit more of a comfortable lifestyle.

OneForTheRoadThen · 04/04/2023 08:48

So you both spend more time at you house because you're more comfortable with that, which is fine. But it seems a bit mean to then expect him to pay towards obliging you on this when he has much less of an income and presumably pays to travel to you.

OnaBegonia · 04/04/2023 09:28

You seem obsessed with money despite being comfortably off.
You're not using anymore heating whilst he's there, a shower doesn't cost much and how food does he eat? Does he bring a bottle? a dessert?
I'd be very disappointed if my DP was counting every piece of toast I ate and resenting it.

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