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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners finances

75 replies

FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 11:55

So I'm a widow in an 8 month relationship with a widower. He got stung by a financial advisor and lost his private pension (perpetrator in prison) he now only has state pension. I'm in a comfortable position, 4 private pensions, plus state pension. His house worth £300k mine £430k. I'm uneasy that we won't be able to share equally a life together. I'm disinclined to pay for everything, I can see money disappearing fast if I did and who knows what care I might need as I get older.

Thoughts, does a financial difference matter in a relationship? What experiences have other MNetters had in this situation?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 18/06/2022 15:28

"Bollocks to that sexist shite."

Totally agree.

I'd be advising anyone to protect themselves regardless of their sex.

The odd dinner out, fine, but regularly subsidising someone else's life, noooo.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 15:36

I don't want to give up the relationship as I can see it long term.

In my marriage money was never a problem so I guess I'm finding this all a new learning curve.

OP posts:
LetitiaLeghorn · 18/06/2022 15:37

Why are you with him, though? He will always have less than you and that's not something you're comfortable with so, in reality, what future do have with him? Finish it and let him go have a relationship with someone who isn't concerned about his finances.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 15:37

My life with him is happier than without.

OP posts:
Threetulips · 18/06/2022 15:40

The only issue is if you see his finances and not being able to afford something or there’s something like an expensive trip you’d feel guilty about him spending the money. That’s on you not him.

You could afford a holiday or trips out with friends, so financially the burden isn’t always his. If he says he can’t afford something then you need to rethink or ask someone else.

it’s too soon to think about these issues. Plus if you did live together like PP suggested you could rent one house out and live off the rental income.

If you both have children then they’ll all inherit as before.

BornIn78 · 18/06/2022 15:42

Being a natural cynic when it comes to these type of sob stories, and having listened to far to many con artist podcasts - I’d be inclined to look up this financial advisor, see what appeared in the press at the time, and go looking for the court documents to prove that your partners story rings true (if you haven’t already done so).

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/06/2022 15:42

Then you need to actually put a price in it, at least in the short to mid term. How much will your good will and finances, and his pride of course, allow you to pay for?

There has to be some hard headedness in this situation. You can't just fly at it like an 18 year old and damn the consequences. You would be daft not to consider the real life financial consequences.

Portiasparty · 18/06/2022 16:09

In the long term, if you end up living together, he can let out his house and would then be able to make a financial contribution. I wouldn't end it now, if you get on well together and he enhances your life.

Money's really important, but it's not everything.

OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 16:17

Your kitty idea is a really good one. I’d continue to date and have fun for now and reassess things in the future.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 16:34

OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 16:17

Your kitty idea is a really good one. I’d continue to date and have fun for now and reassess things in the future.

Thanks, he came up with that idea.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/06/2022 16:36

godmum56 · 18/06/2022 12:00

Its sensible to consider this. Also consider if there is any liklihood that he is a scammer.

I agree with both parts of this.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 16:36

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/06/2022 15:42

Then you need to actually put a price in it, at least in the short to mid term. How much will your good will and finances, and his pride of course, allow you to pay for?

There has to be some hard headedness in this situation. You can't just fly at it like an 18 year old and damn the consequences. You would be daft not to consider the real life financial consequences.

That's it, his pride, I don't want to bruise his pride and suggest something he just can't afford to do.

It's early days, we're still seeing g how to work things out.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 18/06/2022 16:39

FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 12:15

Yes we are both drawing pensions.

He does the odd driving for his son which helps him.

It's a new relationship and at this stage I'm not going to live with him. We have discussed expenses when we do spend time together and today agreed on having a kitty we both put the same amount in to cover coffees, lunches out etc.

It's long term I'm looking at.

Show quote history

Just keep to this arrangement for as long as he makes you happy?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 16:39

Stay with him, just don't ever marry him or have joint finances.

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 16:48

I won't marry again, at our age why? It just complicates things further.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/06/2022 16:52

If the kitty idea was his, it sounds like he is acutely aware of not being seen to benefit from you being financially more comfortable.

He sounds like a genuinely honourable bloke and you enjoy his company.Is the issue that you want to go on more expensive holidays or splash out ?

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 16:54

Yes I like to go away overseas, when I was married we had two or three foreign holidays a year. But, having said that, it's not a deal breaker if we don't have a foreign holiday.

OP posts:
OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 16:56

Could you do more expensive things with a friend or on your own?

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 17:29

OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 16:56

Could you do more expensive things with a friend or on your own?

Yes I could do that.

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 18/06/2022 17:38

You couldn't get much for under 300K where you are?;how much are one bed flats?;it's just him that lives alone right?;it's awful he lost his pension but he needs to live within his means.

rookiemere · 18/06/2022 17:39

Would you be prepared to subsidise him going forward if it allowed you to go abroad? Or go on a cheaper holiday than you are used to.

Holidays out of season aren't hugely expensive if you're prepared to go 4 or 3 star ( yes I'm aware of my privilege there).

I think you could delay any soul searching in a relatively new relationship by going away with a friend this year and then seeing where you are a bit further down the line.

Giveitall · 18/06/2022 17:41

Long ago when I was still working I met a lovely (retired) bloke who, it transpired, was financially very challenged.
After 4 years it became very tedious. He really couldn’t afford to do anything very much & I got fed up with paying over the odds to subsidise our activities. There was only ever so much he could contribute and I felt ham-strung by that.
We amicably parted company, not just for that, but it was a relief.
Take it steady.

UggyPow · 18/06/2022 18:23

I am a widow also & it can be difficult - but he makes me happy & after some difficult times, that is more important
We are not financially linked & never will be. Financially things are even at the moment however he is much older than me & looking to retire.
We are planning for him to legally rent a room at mine, which is linked to keeping finances & property separate. Then to restructure his finances so that his money works best to provide income & I will continue to work until my children are financially independent. His children are already adults
The different options have been discussed loads, things can change so be flexible.
Holidays don’t have to be expensive & maybe you could pay for accommodation & then each your own flights?
The most important thing is to discuss things & as long as you are both happy with the arrangements that is what is important

Original poster
FlorianImogen · 18/06/2022 20:40

Giveitall · 18/06/2022 17:41

Long ago when I was still working I met a lovely (retired) bloke who, it transpired, was financially very challenged.
After 4 years it became very tedious. He really couldn’t afford to do anything very much & I got fed up with paying over the odds to subsidise our activities. There was only ever so much he could contribute and I felt ham-strung by that.
We amicably parted company, not just for that, but it was a relief.
Take it steady.

Thanks, I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. So you can see where I'm coming from to have these thoughts.

OP posts:
oldageprancer · 18/06/2022 20:50

Do you have independent proof that his story about the pension is true?

It wouldn't bother me as I wouldn't share assets and would continue life as before... coffee with friends, holidays alone ...and he could opt in to things he could afford. Or downsize. Or take a lifetime mortgage. Not my concern