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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by this

69 replies

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 07:56

So DH Has asked me to go our for dinner next week, we have 2 children 4 and 2. He said that I need to ask my mum and dad to have them as they usually do, I said can we not ask your parents as they never see them, his reply was that he doesn’t like asking as he knows she doesn’t really want to do it 😢. I don’t expect anything from anybody really but I don’t think it is fair to constantly ask my parents.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/06/2022 07:57

hire A babysitter? His parents don’t want to so they aren’t an option

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 07:57

Then don't ask your parents. Ask someone else or get another babysitter but I'm not sure you'd want someone looking after your children if they don't really want to.

Chikapu · 18/06/2022 07:58

How often do your parents babysit for you? Is it really constant?

StottyCakeandJam · 18/06/2022 07:58

I can see your point of view but I wouldn’t want to leave my children with someone who didn’t really want to look after them. Could you maybe find a babysitter instead?

Original poster
Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:00

We don’t go put much at all. Maybe once every 2-3 months.

OP posts:
MrszClaus · 18/06/2022 08:00

Babysitter? Surely it's best they're looked after by someone who wants to! I don't want to get flamed for it, but so what if his parents don't want to look after the GC? They did their time looking after their own children, might not want to be responsible for LOs now 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's better they're honest imo than do it and resent it.

frydae · 18/06/2022 08:01

YABU to feel hurt, yes. It's perfectly fine for people not to want to babysit. Nobody has done anything remotely hurtful to you.

Original poster
Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:01

Why doesn’t she want to? I’m fine with it but I think I want to know the reason.

My DH was brought up by his gran from being very young, never fully understood why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:02

I think I am more bothered that my DH expects it from my parents and not his own?

OP posts:
VonTrippTrapp · 18/06/2022 08:02

We don't get any help at all from grandparents and have to pay babysitters if we want to go out. It isn't ideal, but there you are.

The reasons are one is dead, one lives overseas (my parents) and dh parents one has health problems, but even before that they never helped us despite doing regular childcare for their dd (still do, despite health problems).

It isn't how I imagined things being, but it is what it is and the up side is that they don't have any right to expect anything from us such as frequent visits to their house at their convenience. We just treat them like friends really...🤷‍♀️

frydae · 18/06/2022 08:03

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:01

Why doesn’t she want to? I’m fine with it but I think I want to know the reason.

My DH was brought up by his gran from being very young, never fully understood why?

They don't need to give a reason. You don't need to understand why. You are crossing a line to make something about you unless you get an explanation. You need a babysitter not your MILs private history.

Original poster
Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:04

I would much rather pay a babysitter I think. Why does my DH expect more from my parents than his own? I don’t think that is fair!

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 18/06/2022 08:05

Please don't ask your DH to ask his parents. If he was brought up mainly by his grandparents then he's had enough parental rejection in his life. It's not fair to ask him to seek out more.

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 08:05

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:01

Why doesn’t she want to? I’m fine with it but I think I want to know the reason.

My DH was brought up by his gran from being very young, never fully understood why?

Well surely if she didn't even bring her own child up you just have to accept she doesn't want to play a part in raising children

Chikapu · 18/06/2022 08:05

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:01

Why doesn’t she want to? I’m fine with it but I think I want to know the reason.

My DH was brought up by his gran from being very young, never fully understood why?

You really might not like the reason though and be even more hurt.

Quartz2208 · 18/06/2022 08:06

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:02

I think I am more bothered that my DH expects it from my parents and not his own?

Its not that he expects it it is that he sadly knows full well that his parents dont want to and if they did then it may not be a pleasant experience for your children. He was brought up by his Gran does that say anything?

My parents do all of it - we would never ask DH Dad or sister they would neither want to nor ask.

Be grateful you have parents that are willing able and good babysitters

frydae · 18/06/2022 08:06

GreatCrash · 18/06/2022 08:05

Please don't ask your DH to ask his parents. If he was brought up mainly by his grandparents then he's had enough parental rejection in his life. It's not fair to ask him to seek out more.

Also this is a very valid point.

GreatCrash · 18/06/2022 08:06

Just pay a babysitter if you don't want to keep asking your parents.

Jalepenojello · 18/06/2022 08:07

I wouldn’t be hurt by your OH. I wouldn’t want someone to watch my kids who didn’t actually want them. It probably hurts him that he knows his parents feel like that.

Original poster
Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:07

Yes you are all right. It’s none of my business and not something I even need to understand.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 18/06/2022 08:07

frydae · 18/06/2022 08:03

They don't need to give a reason. You don't need to understand why. You are crossing a line to make something about you unless you get an explanation. You need a babysitter not your MILs private history.

Show quote history

Eh? This isn't a friend she's talking about but her own family?

minuette1 · 18/06/2022 08:07

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:02

I think I am more bothered that my DH expects it from my parents and not his own?

If his parents didn't even look after your DH when he was little then why would you expect them to look after his children? I think you need to show a bit more empathy to your DH - sounds like he has spent his life being rejected by them, and you are trying to force him into asking something from them he knows he'll be rejected again for. Why put him through that? You don't have a right to their time anyway, just because your parents are happy to help that doesn't mean your in-laws have to.

KosherDill · 18/06/2022 08:09

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:01

Why doesn’t she want to? I’m fine with it but I think I want to know the reason.

My DH was brought up by his gran from being very young, never fully understood why?

They don't need a reason.

Not everyone enjoys young children.

DropYourSword · 18/06/2022 08:09

Lottiesmum2 · 18/06/2022 08:00

We don’t go put much at all. Maybe once every 2-3 months.

I think things are all relative!

I've been out about 5 times with my DH since my 6 year old DS was born!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/06/2022 08:12

I wouldn't have seen it as a case of he is expecting your parents to baby sit, he is asking you to ask them as he probably thinks they will want to have them?
I don't think its unreasonable for him to refuse to ask his parents, as he know they don't want to babysit.
For background, my in laws used to enjoy having my dc, but my parents didn't want to. I always thought that was fair enough. If I thought I was putting my in laws out I would have paid a babysitter.