To feel hurt by this

[Lottiesmum2]

So DH Has asked me to go our for dinner next week, we have 2 children 4 and 2. He said that I need to ask my mum and dad to have them as they usually do, I said can we not ask your parents as they never see them, his reply was that he doesn’t like asking as he knows she doesn’t really want to do it 😢. I don’t expect anything from anybody really but I don’t think it is fair to constantly ask my parents.

Eh? This isn't a friend she's talking about but her own family?

It's her MIL. She has no right to know any private information. If the MIL doesn't babysit she doesn't babysit. No explanation needed at all.

Yes I get that but how is the op making it all about her? Also she is allowed to wonder why her DH brought up by nan. If he doesn't want to talk about it that's fine but she's not being selfish in wondering these things. Natural, no?

It's as plain as a pike staff why. Your in laws don't like children- not even their own apparently. Your OH is well aware of this. Its not that he EXPECTS your parents to shoulder the burden - so to speak, but that he assumes they are happy to, whereas he knows his parents are not.
Don't take it personally. They just aren't very nice.

Yes I get that but how is the op making it all about her?

Did you read OPs posts?

Because your parents were and are clearly better parents than his ever were. And it probably hurts him to know it, but it's a fact he has to live with forever - your lack of understanding isn't a bad thing in itself, as you've not grown up knowing that your parents neither like nor love you, but that's the reality for him. He's come to terms with it as best he can. That is simply, how they are; you have loving parents and he has a biological mother and father.

Perhaps if you tried thinking of it as his actual parent - his grandmother - is dead (if she is) and he's left with some distant relatives who never really cared about him, that would make it easier for you to understand?

You are right, it's not right and it's not fair - but not in the way you're thinking of it (that's it's not fair on your parents); it's not right and it's not fair that anybody has to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. And it's not fair that he's being reminded of this by you expecting two arseholes to suddenly become decent human beings to your child when they couldn't even manage it for their own.

In short, accept it and give him a break. He doesn't have parents, he has two relatives he shares DNA with. His parent is dead (assuming his grandmother isn't around anymore). So either book a babysitter or let your child go to their loving grandmother and grandfather and don't poke at his lifelong wound if you can avoid it.

Exactly, and expects you to sort it!

help me understand something else please, so MIL has booked a meal for us all for Father’s Day tomorrow, plasters all over Facebook how much she loves my DH and my children…to me if you love somebody you want to spend time with them? I could probably understand more if she didn’t do these things, I will not mention anything to DH at all as I don’t want to make him feel hurt. I just want to feel at peace with it all and I am hoping, as women, you can help me understand it better.

I would be absolutely devastated if for whatever reason I couldn’t raise my own DC. Do things just carry on as normal after such a big thing?

@Lottiesmum2 you can love someone without wanting to look after them.

I always feel hmmm about the people who plaster all over FB how much they love their grandchildren / children / spouse etc. It doesn't correlate to the really happy living relationships in my experience!

OP, your parents "reward" will hopefully be a lovely relationship with your DC as they get older. Your in laws won't have that.

Op you are making a fucking mountain out of someone else's molehill here. So what if she is posting about going for a meal but not babysitting. Stop with the 'need to understand'. You do not need to understand that by your MIL does not want to babysit but is happy to go for a meal. This is her business not yours.

I think it is a big thing to not raise your own children tbh (not right or wrong but a big thing)

This isn’t all about the babysitting surely you can see that.

It's all for show.

She gets the 'Oh, you're an amazing Mum and grandmother' comments. She gets to ignore the inconvenient fact that she was a shitty person and non existent mother. She gets to gaslight not just the people on her friends list, but the object of her neglect and what could be emotional abuse/neglect - your DH.

She carries on appearing as though everything is normal - it's 'just' your DH who remembers it differently. Maybe he wants to play along with the charade because it's the nearest thing he can get to pretending that he has a mother who loves him. Maybe it's a wish that your child doesn't realise she's lower than a snake doing the limbo.

It's up to him if he plays along, can't quite bring himself to reject the pretence, is still craving her love despite knowing he's never going to get it - or thinks this is the best he's ever going to get and it's better than nothing.

Yes it is a huge thing. My own mother didn't raise me. That and anything to do with it has fuck all to do with anyone else. If DH was acting like you I would probably end up leaving him. Parental rejection is hugely complex and leaves lasting damage. Unless your DH wants to talk about it, you leave it alone. The only reason you are interested in it here is becsur as your thread title you are feeling hurt. It's not about you. It's not your hurt to feel. Leave it alone.

Op stop trying to understand people who you cannot. Stop expecting things from people who are vastly different to you. And most of all stop putting your dh is difficult situations and making him feel worse about his upbringing than he does. You clearly do not understand his difficulties. Just book a babysitter and appreciate the gesture by your husband.

This.

Actually I think it was cruel of you to press him about asking his parents when you know exactly what his upbringing was like. And then for you be the one to feel hurt. 😣

Acting like what exactly…DH is non the wiser of my feelings?

All you need to understand is that some people are complete and utter arseholes and nice folk like yourself will never understand their way of thinking.

Mumsnet will never agree with you because the majority of them love to trot out "it's your child your responsibility"

Of course it's hurtful when family members have no interest in your children because of course they should, however you will drive yourself nuts if you don't make peace with it.

Right. So obviously I meant if it was known.

OP my in laws never wanted to babysit when pfb was little. My fil left it all to step mil who didnt have kids. From there they didnt see the kids much, and that went to never dispite living a mile away. None of them have any kind of relationship at all now. My youngest two have never ever spent any time in their company and dont know them.

It's fine. It's what pil wanted and now my eldest is 18 that's gone and in the past. As far as each are concerned they dont exist which is weird and sad but maybe only for me as I do feel the kids missed out.

Not wanting to baby doesnt mean they dont want to see them. Try to separate out the two and concentrate on the relationship aspect or you will be in my shoes. But in my case it came from the in laws. They never wanted to see them. Not in plays, sports days, for tea nothing and the reward is my kids dont love, like or know them now. That was all their free choice to make

You need to leave it alone, accept it for what it is. And what is with the “hoping as women..”? Just because we are women it doesn’t mean we all have an innate understanding into the complexities of human nature.

Have you posted about this before @Lottiesmum2 it sounds very familiar.

Your DH had by the sounds of it a chaotic childhood whose relationship with his Mum is such he doesnt feel comfortable pushing it and getting rejected all over again. She probably feels guilty, guilty enough to do things like Fathers Day but is still the same person unable to meet his needs as a young child and probably also doesnt want to push what they have.

You clearly had a good childhood with good parents who are willing to support and help, you are lucky that you havent had to experience

None of this is about you at all.

OP people gushing on FB about how much they love your kids is pure BS on their behalf to make themselves look better than they are. Let her gush as mine do.

It's just shit on FB. Words into a void. It does not change the fundamental fact that my kids wont be visiting theirs in the old folks home, they wont be advocating their fate in dotage or going to their funeral.

So on balance so what if they gush shit on FB? Where are the bonds? The memories? The photos?

Do 18 years old suddenly want to spend time with a 70 year old they have never spent time with before? I'm telling the you 18 years down the line, they do not. They reap as they sow. Not photos, no memories exactly as they chose it to be. Childhood and all chances gone.

My mum is a cantankerous old cow and never babysit more a few times. But she was present. They dont adore her. But they love her because she did figure in their childhood.

Plus your kids bonds with your in laws is your dh job to nurture. my dh didnt do that at all. So that's how its planned out. Not mine or the kids choices but they wasnt our to make.

To be really honest their old age doesnt figure in my problems either.

Exactly these people on MN don't know you . Perfectly reasonable to wonder why you're DH had this experience growing up and to feel empathy for him also perfectly reasonable to wonder why grandparents want no part . You aren't pressuring him and you are not making it all about you . I'd be sad my kids were missing out on a set of grandparents, ultimately that's how it is but you are allowed to contemplate that. Ridiculous replies on here honestly.

@Bednobsbroomsticks Thank you for that x