Confirmation fatigue! A live example

[Coffeetree]

So I need everyone's input. I don't know if I'm old/out of touch or just missed something.

Last Christmas I had a thread about confirmation fatigue and not understanding why specific social plans have to be confirmed and reconfirmed all the time. In an example I'd been invited to someone's house for lunch on a specific day and time, Id said yes thanks, and they acted surprised when I actually showed up because "we never confirmed ".

So here's a live example. Earlier this week, my old work buddy and I made plans to meet for a coffee and catch up in city centre tomorrow. Specific date and time and meeting place.

He literally just texted me, "Do you still want to meet tomorrow or do you want to take a rain check?"

Is this the reconfirmation that's supposed to be standard now? Because I'm reading that he's fishing for a cancel?

(He's gay with a husband so there's no dating element.)

Interested in people's perspectives!

(And please no shirty comments about this being unimportant. I'm just mulling this over my Hot Girl Iced Coffee.)

I am much more relaxed if plans have been confirmed, as I somehow doubt myself that I have got it right, that I haven't missed a message, that it's all still on, etc. I just feel more relieved if there's a confirmation and I know i'm expected. It's a kind of social anxiety though for me.

I don't read it as a fishing for cancel, but more insecurit - perhaps offering you the chance to cancel if you want.

And partly I think Covid has made everyone sceptical that any plans ever go ahead as arranged these days

I suspect he’s just being polite and checking in the context of having heard nothing from you since and some travel providers suggesting travel issues today due to the heat (mine certainly is).

I really don’t see why you have such an issue with people firming up arrangements. I remember your thread and I’ll say how what I said then: we’ve had two years, longer now, of things being being forced to change last minute. Getting the hump about people wanting to confirm things just looks churlish on your part.

I do miss the days of making solid plans and knowing they would take place but I used to get stood up by my mum constantly (like dinner prepared and her phoning to cancel two hours later, if lucky) so now I’m really anxious about being stood up.

So yes, I’d read that as ‘you haven’t confirmed yet and I want to give you an out if you’ve forgotten/ don’t want to’ rather than him actively cancelling.

So many people seem to think it's OK to flake, sometimes without letting the other person know, that it just seems sensible.

I don't understand the voting, what is your AIBU?

I had one of these recently. I saw it as looking to cancel! Is it not?

is it a north / south thing?

Most people have been inadvertently stood up, this avoids that. Some people are better at remembering plans than others, best not to make assumptions.

I don't think he's looking for an out. He's reconfirming with a question so you don't feel guilty if you back out of have forgotten. It shows an awareness that he might not be your priority.

Like the dinner example I'd have asked if they wanted me to bring anything, regardless of knowing the answer, because I don't want to feel awkward turning up if they've firgotten.

I’d see it more as “you haven’t forgotten that we’re supposed to be meeting have you?”

In this instance I think his message was great. Basically reconfirming your meeting, but giving you an out if you had forgotten. He seems like a good reliable friend to have.

Yeah this is it. And honestly people are flaky, it is not uncommon for me to ask 'just checking we're still on for tomorrow?' and have the person come back with 'actually I can't anymore'... when they would have been planning to tell me if I hadn't asked, is anyone's guess.

Or maybe my friends just don't like me very much!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with h arranging something a little way in advance and then checking the day before. Excessive if it’s only been a day or two though.

Er no, it's a people thing.

I always confirm.

Several reasons although largely because people ime can be quite flakey (I include myself in that as well tbh) so it’s nice to know everyone is on the same page.

I also find (and will probably get flamed for making this sweeting generalisation) that if I make plans with a single male friend then it absolutely has to be confirmed because in no way has he remotely written the plan down or remembered. A few weeks ago I had a plan to see a friend (single, male), in the diary several weeks in advance because he works shifts. I messaged two days before saying my fiancé wants to watch the sport that was one (they both enjoy) would you like to all watch it together? His response was one of total surprise as if this plan had totally come out of the blue!

Agree with this, I only confirm arrangements that were made a few weeks prior. If it was made a day or two before I don’t bother

I think it’s fairly normal to check that nothings changed, that friend isn’t having a super stressy day where I could help ease that by agreeing to meet later or rearrange or meet somewhere that fits better location wise than we’d originally planned, that I’ve got the day right, etc. Sometimes the best laid plans go awry due to uncontrollable external factors.

Like “oh yeah, I deffo still want to catch up today, but just had an email saying the new sofa is being delivered between 12pm and 2pm, so if I grab us some lunch bits do you want to come here instead and sit on the garden?”

I reconfirm, especially with my friends who are parents. Things come up. I also have a few flaky friends. I'd rather check the day before than be stood up.

One confirmation the day before is hardly lots. As PP have said it’s because people have become more flaky.

It's just checking that all is going ahead tomorrow. That's it. I personally like to text people the night before to check too.

Agree with the pp who says it’s more of a “you haven’t forgotten, have you?”. People are flaky these days and nobody wants to turn up and be stood up!

I’m intrigued. Why would it be a north south thing?

This. I would assume that the person I had arranged to meet was still intending to meet , but I would send a text the day before to confirm. If I hadn't sent a text yet the person I was meeting probably would have sent one to me. "Are you still okay for meeting tomorrow?"
"Yes, looking forward to it".
Takes seconds.
I have removed flakey people from my life but I would still rather confirm.

😂

just checking

Only one of my friends does this and she’s from London.

Maybe it’s the tone. I’ll confirm the meeting point but don’t say do you still want to meet. To me the latter sounds like cancelling.

Only one friend does it in that way and she is southern. I may be massively generalising ...,

She was the same pte pandemic.

I don't think it's fishing for cancel - more the opposite. It's that people are so flakey these days you do have to check everything's still on.

I think its a "you're not going to pull out on me last minute are you?". It's because so many people are flaky these days as they can just send a text and say sorry not today at the last minute.