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Original poster

Confirmation fatigue! A live example

77 replies

Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 08:00

So I need everyone's input. I don't know if I'm old/out of touch or just missed something.

Last Christmas I had a thread about confirmation fatigue and not understanding why specific social plans have to be confirmed and reconfirmed all the time. In an example I'd been invited to someone's house for lunch on a specific day and time, Id said yes thanks, and they acted surprised when I actually showed up because "we never confirmed ".

So here's a live example. Earlier this week, my old work buddy and I made plans to meet for a coffee and catch up in city centre tomorrow. Specific date and time and meeting place.

He literally just texted me, "Do you still want to meet tomorrow or do you want to take a rain check?"

Is this the reconfirmation that's supposed to be standard now? Because I'm reading that he's fishing for a cancel?

(He's gay with a husband so there's no dating element.)

Interested in people's perspectives!

(And please no shirty comments about this being unimportant. I'm just mulling this over my Hot Girl Iced Coffee.)

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 17/06/2022 08:57

"Do you still want to meet tomorrow or do you want to take a rain check?" I would read this as wanting to cancel. I f he had written only the first half I would have thought it was confirming. Its the rain check part that makes me think he wants to cancel.

Rummikub · 17/06/2022 09:00

Perhaps it is the tone then. In op example I’d see that as fishing to cancel. And I feel awkward - second guessing what do they want to do!

i confirm arrangements by messaging “I’ll see you at 2 tomorrow”

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:00

Thanks everyone.

It's not just this one instance, but I notice it's happened loads of times with some one questioning: "Are we meeting? Are we cancelling? Do you want to cancel?"

Which to me hits very differently to: "Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!"

It might be an age thing.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 17/06/2022 09:01

I think this is werid too. So many people are now doing it. I think its to check its not been forgotten about and double checking it's still on?! I've turned up to things where they've not turned up because although we agreed it, we didn't confirm the day before?! Personally I don't understand this, if I agree to see you on Saturday at 10am at x, I don't need to tell you again! Super werid.

Littleraindrop15 · 17/06/2022 09:01

say something like an emergency came up and you had made plans week prior but because of said emergency your mind had completely forgot. text confirmation would help the night before or on the day as a reminder or to let others know something has changed. Sometimes life gets super hectic and you don't always remember said plans.

it doesn't really harm anyone if they ask you to confirm it's just a yes still on but solidifies plans. Takes only a few seconds to write and gives them peace of mind you haven't forgotten or that they would be stood up.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:07

Beautiful3 · 17/06/2022 09:01

I think this is werid too. So many people are now doing it. I think its to check its not been forgotten about and double checking it's still on?! I've turned up to things where they've not turned up because although we agreed it, we didn't confirm the day before?! Personally I don't understand this, if I agree to see you on Saturday at 10am at x, I don't need to tell you again! Super werid.

See, I'm with you!

Saturday 18th at 1:00 at [specific place].

No Covid restrictions, no rail strike, no adverse weather.

What needs to be "confirmed "?

It's not a big deal really, but it just never occurs to me to have to "confirm" something that's already confirmed.

It's like a needless mental burden.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 17/06/2022 09:08

Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:00

Thanks everyone.

It's not just this one instance, but I notice it's happened loads of times with some one questioning: "Are we meeting? Are we cancelling? Do you want to cancel?"

Which to me hits very differently to: "Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!"

It might be an age thing.

Agree very different tone.
I prefer the latter.

watcherintherye · 17/06/2022 09:20

Once ‘do you want to take a rain check?’ is in the mix, I’d feel obliged to say ‘really looking forward to meeting, unless you need to reschedule?’ and put the ball back in their court!
As a side note, I bet most people in the uk who use ‘take a rain check’ don’t know what it actually means!

BaaCake · 17/06/2022 09:24

watcherintherye · 17/06/2022 09:20

Once ‘do you want to take a rain check?’ is in the mix, I’d feel obliged to say ‘really looking forward to meeting, unless you need to reschedule?’ and put the ball back in their court!
As a side note, I bet most people in the uk who use ‘take a rain check’ don’t know what it actually means!

I have no idea and hate the term. I shall look it up now. But it seems silly especially in this weather.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:34

Yes my actual first response was, "Are you conce6about the weather?" Lol

OP posts:
rookiemere · 17/06/2022 09:35

It's hardly a mental burden to reconfirm plans unless you choose to make it one.
I think you're overreacting based on your previous experience.

JaceLancs · 17/06/2022 09:41

In my circle we only re confirm verbally made plans
anything booked via text or what’s app stays on unless someone needs to cancel
most of us are of an age that might forget if not in black and white!

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:45

Well again, what is there to "confirm" if all details agreed?

Yeah I do find it a slightly increased mental burden.

"Make specific plans and put them in the diary" is one step. Arguably 1.5 steps.

As opposed to:

  1. Make specific plans and put in diary.
  2. Consider the day before, are the plans still valid or have they now expired? Are we reconfirming?
  3. Decide, no there's nothing to confirm.
  4. Get ambiguous text from other party. Consider whether they are trying to cancel.
  5. Consider whether you could suggest another time/date but that brings us to late July.
  6. Tell other party you'd still like to meet.
  7. Other party agrees.
OP posts:
SirenSays · 17/06/2022 09:49

Well again, what is there to "confirm" if all details agreed?

Confirm that it's still going ahead at agreed time and place and that nothing has come up unexpectedly.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:52

Right but if something comes up we let one another know? The default is that things remain in place?

Otherwise how does anyone get anything done?

I didn't go to work because my boss didn't text me to say we're definitely working today.

I didn't get any food because I didn't get a text from Morrisons confirming that they're open.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 17/06/2022 09:53

If I make plans in advance with someone, I’ll message a day or two before just to say, ‘you still ok for tomorrow?’ I’ve had people say, ‘oh God, I totally forgot,’ or ‘actually I’ve got to do X, can we rearrange?’ In the latter scenario I wonder when they were planning on letting me know. People seem to be much more flaky about plans nowadays so I always double check, I didn’t realise some people found this so annoying.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:53

I mean, I'll go with it but I reserve the right to find it weird.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/06/2022 09:59

I didn't go to work because my boss didn't text me to say we're definitely working today

I didn't get any food because I didn't get a text from Morrisons confirming that they're open

Not really the same things as those are a given, i.e Morrisons is always open, work is always on.

Life plans change though so I do always send an "are we still ok for tomorrow?" type text the day before just as a reminder but also just checking plans haven't changed for them. My anxiety would never let me turn up without 100% knowing they would be there too!

ComputerQueen · 17/06/2022 09:59

Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 09:52

Right but if something comes up we let one another know? The default is that things remain in place?

Otherwise how does anyone get anything done?

I didn't go to work because my boss didn't text me to say we're definitely working today.

I didn't get any food because I didn't get a text from Morrisons confirming that they're open.

A lot of people are happy to stand others up.
you think that the default is nothing changes, you show up, only to be left waiting.

IME this happens a lot with new people/a nascent group. Like MeetUps, etc. None of my longstanding real friends would do this or need so much confirmation.

FiveNineFive · 17/06/2022 10:01

You seem to be making it a lot more fatiguing than it needs to be to be honest

Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 10:01

It's not a given that if someone says they'll meet you at a specific time and place that they'll meet you at a specific time and place?

Especially if they're a functional adult with phone?

Who are these people who make plans and don't show?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 17/06/2022 10:02

I am, I'm bored and don't feel like working.

OP posts:
SpringBadger · 17/06/2022 10:07

I don't like his text at all. There's nothing in it to suggest he's looking forward to meeting you. It has the same vibe as "since the boss isn't here, does anyone want to go ahead with the team meeting or shall we just not do it?".

Like you, I hate the assumption that plans aren't set until they have been "confirmed". It's the opposite - they are set until cancelled. There are times when sending a text is pragmatic because a plan was made so long ago, but more along the lines of "looking forward to Thursday, assuming you're still up for it - what time shall we meet?"

SpringBadger · 17/06/2022 10:09

And even then I'd be unimpressed to get a reply saying "oh I have other plans now".

Remembertotakeabreak · 17/06/2022 10:10

Sounds like he wanted to cancel but didn’t feel comfortable owning that, so he was pushing you into being the one to cancel. Annoying.

I think something like, ‘just checking you’re still up for tomorrow?’ is nice if a plan was made a week ago or more. It just allows space to be human E.g. to get to the end of a working week and find that actually you don’t have the energy to go out.

Also I think how annoying you might find checking in depends on how secure you are. Some people need a lot of reassurance and feel bad about themselves or lost on their own if others don’t commit to plans. If you struggle to be on your own, it’s more of a big deal if plans are cancelled last minute. So I would be kind to people who need that extra reassurance (but not bend to them) - they need it for a reason.