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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i want to cancel my wedding

68 replies

weddingsdvice · 16/06/2022 20:59

it’s not until next year and we’ve paid the deposit but nothing else due until february but i am just feeling so unhappy about it. it’s not what i ever wanted - i absolutely hate attention being on me so i just wanted to elope and have something private.

fiance wanted family there so we decided to book a venue as he wouldn’t consider eloping and i just want to be married. what we’ve booked isn’t massive. it was supposed to just be cheapish with our closest family, about 25 people including us. he since says he wants to invite just about all of his family and i feel like i therefore need to invite extra from my side because how can i say i didn’t invite a cousin i see yearly but he invited a great great aunt he hasn’t spoken to in years etc etc. it’s going to be around 70 people half of which i don’t really know or barely see.

it’s also becoming more expensive than i ever planned. it’s looking to be about 4k which i know isn’t massive to some people but to me it’s ridiculous. we both like travelling i’d rather use it for that. we have another baby coming next year (before wedding. we will have two under two). i’ll have maternity pay. whole thing just seems silly to me.

i spoke to fiancé about it but he hasn’t really said much.

OP posts:
sleepymum50 · 16/06/2022 21:59

I agree that you need to speak up if the costs are getting out of hand.

I really understand when you say you’d rather elope because you don’t want the attention on you. I had this same problem.

My then fiancé wanted to get married in a church, for no better reason than it’s what everyone did. I’m not religious at all, and when I was younger I felt it was hypocritical. But I also hated the idea of all that “look at me”.

in the end we had a registry office ceremony with about 20 (close friends and family) for a buffet lunch at MIL’s house, then probably another 30 (mainly friends) for a party that evening.

Funnily enough I really enjoyed it (the booze helped). But everyone is so sincerely happy for you, that in the end I didn’t mind being the centre of attention. Still didn’t want to wear a big white dress though.

HOTHotPeppers · 16/06/2022 22:03

Seriously cancel. I went through with mine in the same circumstances and hated it. Not worth the money if you don't enjoy it.

SlatsandFlaps · 16/06/2022 22:07

I'm going to sound like 'that' poster but I can't help think that you sound incompatible.... Yes of course you'll have different wants, preferences & desires but not usually so opposing and not on something as major as your wedding?

Toughtimesagain · 16/06/2022 22:10

What do you think about a party another day to celebrate your wedding? Or is that just another way of doing the ‘big’ wedding?
Ive been a guest at wedding parties when the couple have tied the knot privately and it feels like less pressure.

FlissyPaps · 16/06/2022 22:13

Have you already sent out the save the date/invites?

If not, don’t panic. It isn’t set in stone. You need to have a serious chat with your other half and explain everything to him. How it’s making you feel. Be truest and brutally honest.

You need to come to a compromise. I agree with PPs - 25 of closest family/friends.

Reginaldina · 16/06/2022 22:13

A wedding and two children under 2 would drive anyone to distraction.
You need to seriously sit down and lay out how you are feeling with him. Maybe write if down and give that to him, to see if that helps?
As a compromise, how about a small registry office wedding, just the 4 of you, then a big party with all of the family a year or so later? I know someone who go married in a registry office, just parents and brothers and sisters/partners, then a meal for that group in a lovely restaurant, then the following day, friends and more distant relatives were invited to a big party in a glampsite/campsite. It was perfect.

notanothertakeaway · 16/06/2022 22:20

Queenie6655 · 16/06/2022 21:00

Madness

He is not listening to you

Cancel it

Go for something smalll when you feel the time is right

Do not bow to the pressure of that

Why should OP's wishes take priority over her DP?

My own wedding involved compromise on both sides. For a while, I was upset, thinking neither of us really got the wedding we wanted. But, it was a good start to married life, finding a middle ground we could both live with

Threeboysandadog · 16/06/2022 22:23

We got married in a registry office with ds1 and ds2 as witnesses and ds3 as the ring bearer. We all went home for a Chinese takeaway (except ds1 who wanted to meet his friends - Friday night, ya know). It was perfect 🤩

User0ne · 16/06/2022 22:25

I don't know if this will help:

Me and DH had a small registry office wedding (us and our parents only). Dfil wanted his eldest son to attend - we said no as otherwise we would have "needed" to invite the other 6 siblings.

We had the reception at home (bought in buffet and BYOB excepting the toast) which limited the numbers as we lived in a 2 up, 2 down terrace. The toast was the only speech (by me and DH) to thank people for coming.

Cost us about £750 in total and was child friendly

hulahooper2 · 16/06/2022 22:26

It’s his wedding too , you’ll need to find a compromise

satisbleakhouse · 16/06/2022 22:26

Can you scale down the day to 25 and shift the other 45 to the evening only? It will bring down your costs and you can decide if you want to do cake- cutting/ first dance or not but hubby still gets to see everyone.

Cost is 4k what currency?

Summerfun54321 · 16/06/2022 22:31

Tiny registry office wedding with immediate family only followed by a party in the evening with babysitters, more guests and he arranges the party. Best of both worlds.

user1471538283 · 16/06/2022 22:42

What about pricing up some options? A registrar wedding and a slap up or deli meal for a small group. The big wedding (which will probably be more than £4k). Eloping. A smaller wedding as originally planned.

The people who love you will not mind whatever you decide. I thought these weddings with relatives you never see were a bit old fashioned now.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/06/2022 22:47

I'm going to put the other side to this. U'd have been happy with a registry office wedding and lunch for about 12 people. DH wanted the big white wedding. I loved him and went along.

I quietly and meticulously organised a wedding for 120. We had a marquee, the whole works but it was decades before weddings became the sideshows they are now.

The service and blessing of the rings and its sheer spirituality before God blew me away. The reception was a blast.

I went into it with the expectation that I'd do it well because it was what DH wanted. It was absolutely the best day of my life and I/we/they enjoyed every minute of it. 32 years on it still is. (Excepting dc but those days were different - getting married didn't hurt)

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 22:55

YANBU I would tell him you just want a registry office wedding now and no reception because when you tried to compromise he trampled over your good nature and basically tripled the amount you agreed on and now you feel disrespected and very uncomfortable. If you can't keep it at 25 then you just want a registry office and maybe a meal with only your parents afterwards, or not even that. Cancel it for now, even if you lose money it's better than being unhappy on your own wedding day.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/06/2022 23:15

Talk to him. To be honest with a toddler and pg your head is elsewhere, I can see why you can’t be bothered with a bigger wedding - life has moved on.
If he really wants guests then I’d try and agree original 25 plan.

rea2022x · 16/06/2022 23:24

What about a private ceremony/dinner and a party after a few weeks later??? Seems a win win! Xx

Sswhinesthebest · 16/06/2022 23:28

Get married how you want, then have a big party at some point. Much cheaper and he can invite who he wants.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/06/2022 23:29

If he isn't listening to you now he will listen less after you ate married. Its time for a talk to him about you getting cold feet.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/06/2022 23:33

Dont marry him. Seriously, dont.

Dump him and be alone rather than this. He cares more about him and his family than the woman he is about to commit his life to.

rea2022x · 16/06/2022 23:35

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/06/2022 23:33

Dont marry him. Seriously, dont.

Dump him and be alone rather than this. He cares more about him and his family than the woman he is about to commit his life to.

This isn't always the answer though is it? He's allowed to express his wants too. In relationships this happens, you both want different things and then you meet in the middle. If he's not willing to meet in the middle whatsoever then it's time for crises talks. But don't just end your engagement so quickly

GoldenSongbird · 17/06/2022 00:16

I think this is tricky tbh. You're both being inflexible and not able to compromise. It isn't just 'your' wedding. It's for both of you and it's also indicative of how you both prioritise family, friends and each other. You seem miles apart on these issues and they'll only become more important once you're married and have a family of your own.

Meh2020 · 17/06/2022 00:40

I haven’t read the full thread but I could have written your post. I ended up having around 70 guests and hating every minute of it, spending money that we didn’t really have and feeling uncomfortable the whole day.

Unfortunately the wedding experience then tainted my feelings I think in that I could see more and more what a selfish man I had married. I knew I shouldn’t marry him but went ahead with it.

I really regret getting married and the divorce was not cheap either.

you should talk to him to compromise on the day but don’t compromise on how you feel; ie don’t let him bully you into doing it his way.

good luck

Cameleongirl · 17/06/2022 00:56

Hmm, I’ve been married for over 20 years to the right person..:but my wedding was awful for various reasons that I don’t want to go into. Not at all the way I wanted it.
I deliberately had a few drinks after the ceremony just to get through the rest of the day!

But, that one day has been no reflection on my happy marriage, it was just one rather crappy event.

Honestly OP, I’d compromise on a small wedding with the people your DF wants there, it’s just one day in your whole relationship. I’ve had my own way many, many times since we married. Our silver anniversary is coming up in a couple of years, for example, and that celebration will be the way I want it. 😂

TigerLilyTail · 17/06/2022 01:21

We also did the married just the two of us and then a relaxed garden party for friends and family at a later date. I am very shy, so there's no way I could walk down the aisle in a big dress in front of everyone. We had a marquee and a band at the party and everyone sat anywhere. It was really nice.