i want to cancel my wedding

[weddingsdvice]

it’s not until next year and we’ve paid the deposit but nothing else due until february but i am just feeling so unhappy about it. it’s not what i ever wanted - i absolutely hate attention being on me so i just wanted to elope and have something private.

fiance wanted family there so we decided to book a venue as he wouldn’t consider eloping and i just want to be married. what we’ve booked isn’t massive. it was supposed to just be cheapish with our closest family, about 25 people including us. he since says he wants to invite just about all of his family and i feel like i therefore need to invite extra from my side because how can i say i didn’t invite a cousin i see yearly but he invited a great great aunt he hasn’t spoken to in years etc etc. it’s going to be around 70 people half of which i don’t really know or barely see.

it’s also becoming more expensive than i ever planned. it’s looking to be about 4k which i know isn’t massive to some people but to me it’s ridiculous. we both like travelling i’d rather use it for that. we have another baby coming next year (before wedding. we will have two under two). i’ll have maternity pay. whole thing just seems silly to me.

i spoke to fiancé about it but he hasn’t really said much.

Madness

He is not listening to you

Cancel it

Go for something smalll when you feel the time is right

Do not bow to the pressure of that

i don’t think he wants to elope though and i don’t want to be engaged forever. i just feel so unhappy at the thought of spending thousands on a day that i will probably be relieved when it’s over

You need to talk to him. And again. And again.

If you are going to be married for the rest of your lives you need to not get into a pattern of you being railroaded into things you don't want to do.

You need to find a better compromise.
He obviously wants to celebrate his marriage with people that matter to him.
You want to elope.
Both your wishes are valid and as important as each other. It’s his wedding too.
You need to find a more middle ground. The 25 closest people sounds like a good option to me.

If you can't even agree on a wedding that you're both happy with, this makes me concerned for the future.

A wedding can be such a big thing in a relationship. If it is for one person and not for the other, one of you will regret it.

Then price up a different wedding - or two

One - Elope to somewhere nice - local and have a party when home - bring your own booze - party food

Two a Elope somewhere nice you’d like to go on holiday

Three - small venue wedding for close family - out to dinner -

As above but with a party later

The options are endless -

We eloped as we had children, the wedding was a formality!

yep the 25 closest people thing was the only reason i was happy to not elope. i think it’s fair enough if he wants family there because his choice matters too but inviting people just to be polite and not offend is not the type of wedding i want. financially and just because i don’t want that many people there

Scale it down to immediate family and close friends only.

Marry abroad - you'll find only close family will come (choose somewhere far away to ensure this).

Party in a local bar on return

You need to be more assertive and say no to this plan. He needs to be more respectful about your preferences and needs. You both need to communicate and compromise. If the two of you can't agree on a plan that you are both comfortable with, you should not be getting married at all.

If you are positive , cancel the venue. Done.

There is a middle ground between a 70-people, £4k wedding and eloping. At the moment all the compromise seems to be on your side and he’s getting his ideal wedding.

Cancel it and rebook: registry office and pub. Don’t invite random cousins you don’t want to pay for just because he’s inviting Great Aunt Doris; it’s not a competition or a tit for tat. It’s your wedding day.

Is he also expecting that you’ll do all the planning for the wedding?

Find a venue / restaurant that will only fit 25 people. Tell him that’s what you want to book. If he wants something bigger, then he sorts it. And everything else.

i spoke to fiancé about it but he hasn’t really said much. what do you mean he hasn't really said much?

I told my now DH I was fine with a big wedding but he could organise it himself. We eloped...

Family pressure makes it difficult for some people to feel they can elope or have the small wedding they want. So try not to be too annoyed with your partner.

My DH has a big family, who he was pressured to include, and I wanted a small wedding so we ended up doing it abroad. Invited all the family but only the core people came including 2 best friends. Only about 20 people in the end I think.

It cost more than £4K but wasn’t ridiculous.

If you don’t fancy going abroad, consider making it really inconvenient - opposite end of the country?

I think that you are in awkward middle territory and will likely get more complicated which is why you are worried.

We had parents and brothers and sisters only and didn't tell anyone beyond them.

Once you invite one aunt, one friend etc it becomes complicated. We booked a small registry office in a pretty setting for the last ceremony and then went straight for a meal.

Would something more like that work for you? To appease your husband you could just have a party in a hall or something a bit later for everyone else. Once you remove the word 'wedding' it no longer costs so much and you don't need speeches etc. Just an ordinary party

It's not unreasonable to cancel and have a re-think. Could you compromise and look at a wedding ceremony and meal but not have a party afterwards? I remember hating the idea of people sat watching us dance etc. so we had the ceremony and a lovely dinner at a nice rural pub and then we were done. Nice and low key

He wants a big wedding, you want to elope. The compromise is a small wedding with close friends and family only. He agreed to this and is now changing it back to his original wish. He does not get to do this unilaterally. Put your foot down. You both agreed the small wedding. Stick to this.

Scratch it. Go back to the original plan, 25 people, if that's what you wanted. Or smaller, if you want. Parents, siblings, children. Draw the line. Done. It's about being married, not about putting strain on your relationship and life together for the sake of one day, which for your guests will be 'just another wedding'

he is not listening to you or what you want which is no way to start a marriage.

I didn’t enjoy my wedding because there were too many people and I felt lost.
If I were to do it again I’d have a handful of people, and have a meal in a restaurant.

For goodness sake don't marry someone who can't take your comfort into consideration and someone you can't communicate well enough with to get to a wedding scenario that works for the both of you.

Is HE getting pressure from family?

Your compromise was good. It's unfair of him to move the goal posts further his way.

You wanted to elope but compromised on a small wedding. He wanted a big wedding then pretended to also compromise. Is he always like this? If you are making all the compromises in your relationship, you’re not going to be happy.