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Original poster

i want to cancel my wedding

68 replies

weddingsdvice · 16/06/2022 20:59

it’s not until next year and we’ve paid the deposit but nothing else due until february but i am just feeling so unhappy about it. it’s not what i ever wanted - i absolutely hate attention being on me so i just wanted to elope and have something private.

fiance wanted family there so we decided to book a venue as he wouldn’t consider eloping and i just want to be married. what we’ve booked isn’t massive. it was supposed to just be cheapish with our closest family, about 25 people including us. he since says he wants to invite just about all of his family and i feel like i therefore need to invite extra from my side because how can i say i didn’t invite a cousin i see yearly but he invited a great great aunt he hasn’t spoken to in years etc etc. it’s going to be around 70 people half of which i don’t really know or barely see.

it’s also becoming more expensive than i ever planned. it’s looking to be about 4k which i know isn’t massive to some people but to me it’s ridiculous. we both like travelling i’d rather use it for that. we have another baby coming next year (before wedding. we will have two under two). i’ll have maternity pay. whole thing just seems silly to me.

i spoke to fiancé about it but he hasn’t really said much.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 17/06/2022 01:49

I think this is tricky tbh. You're both being inflexible and not able to compromise.

The OP wanted to elope, just the two of them. Because her fiance wanted family there, she agreed to having 25 people. He is now insisting on about 70, and that makes the OP feel she has to invite more from her side or her family will be asking why his third cousin twice removed is there but not hers.

The OP HAS compromised. The fiance is tearing up the agreement - he's the one who isn't compromising.

NumberTheory · 17/06/2022 03:17

It's not a great sign that he has run roughshod over the agreement for a 25 person do.

I'm wondering about this agreement for a 25 person wedding - because booking a venue for 25 that you can happily get 70 makes it seem like it might have been the plan on his part all along?

fontime · 17/06/2022 04:22

You had a compromise which I assume he agreed to? He's now reneged on it without any thought for your feelings. This matters to you, you need to say either the wedding goes back to the 25 or it's cancelled. You have to consider if he can't compromise on what's supposed to be the happiest day of BOTH your lives what does this say for the future?

Camehereforthecake · 17/06/2022 09:32

I was like you OP. Hated the thought of being centre of attention and wanted to elope. DH wanted family there. We compromised on a small wedding with only parents and siblings. It didn't go down particularly well (DH has a big family and everyone is invited to everything) and his family kept the big wedding mentality. I felt under so much pressure and like you, decided I wanted to cancel because it wasn't what I envisaged and had a bit of a breakdown. DH said he'd cancel if it's what I wanted. In the end we went ahead, it was a beautiful day and I had an amazing time with fewer than 20 guests. I barely noticed guests were there (even for the aisle walk and ceremony), I was on cloud 9 and spent most of the day just DH and I. It was so special having nearest and dearest there and to have my parents and siblings be part of the day so I'm glad I didn't elope for that reason.

Unfortunately I didn't tell DH how uncomfortable certain requests/expectations were making me and when I think back, the way I felt about those overshadow what was an otherwise perfect day - there are some photos I can't look at because I remember how I felt in that moment and that's my biggest regret.

I suspect if we'd cancelled when I asked we'd only have kicked the can down the road until we decided to plan the wedding for a later date because I didn't want a big guest list and his views on eloping would unlikely have changed - we were just too far apart on that. Speak with DP and explain how you feel. Don't have regrets about one of the biggest days of your life because you ended up doing something you weren't comfortable with or cancelling and not having it all. A small wedding honestly didn't feel like a compromise to either of us and I'd absolutely recommend it. I still did the big white dress and veil, live ceremony and reception music with dancing and a two tier cake that could have fed everyone three times over.

BadAtMaths2 · 17/06/2022 09:45

He's got a say in this too. Talk to him about what you are anxious about but acknowledge that he's got pressures too. His family are probably all about the big wedding and inviting everyone and their cat, he'll either be assuming that's what everyone does or having pressure to do that.

There are things you can do to manage your anxiety and the ideas on travelling instead with the cash.

But you have to be able to compromise in a marriage - dumping him, insisting on eloping... that's not compromise.

I hate the attention on me, I loved the wedding - it ended up with more of his relatives than mine as he's got way more than I do. We only see some of them once in a blue moon. It was bigger than I intended - but they are. it was genuinely good fun.

xogossipgirlxo · 17/06/2022 10:38

25 people including you sounds like perfect option for introverts who don't like being in the centre of attention. Small, private ceremony and little party. Stick to your guns and tell him you agreed to something else.

Fulbe · 17/06/2022 11:27

You don't have to spend as much as you think. We didn't have flowers, for example. We had herbs in nice pots (tin cans I'd decorated) which people could take away with them, they loved that. Cost less than £100 for 90 guests. My dress was from John Lewis, not a 'wedding' dress but very dressy, cost £200. You might be being pushed by the venue to add extras, you don't need them. You will only be the centre of attention for half an hour. After that everyone will be eating/ dancing. You don't have to stick to all the traditions if you don't want to. It's your day and people you love are there to celebrate you being in love, that's a wonderful thing.

Fulbe · 17/06/2022 11:28

Our whole wedding, with 90 guests and free booze cost us under 8k. I'm not sure why yours is going to cost so much but maybe there are ways you can cut costs.

gamerchick · 17/06/2022 11:35

weddingsdvice · 16/06/2022 21:06

i don’t think he wants to elope though and i don’t want to be engaged forever. i just feel so unhappy at the thought of spending thousands on a day that i will probably be relieved when it’s over

Show quote history

Please keep on this. I did the pleasing others and spending thousands and I was relieved when it was over and 12 years on I still can't look at the wedding photos. If there wasn't that cheating stigma attached to renewing the vows I'd do the bugger again me.

There needs to be a compromise or hand the whole thing over to him to organise and you just worry about turning up. Might put him off a bit.

Gymnopedie · 17/06/2022 12:45

OP if you think about the relationship generally, is it the case that in the end he always gets his own way? Are you equal partners?

LTB seems a very rash decision if it's just this one issue, but he is clearly not listening to you and trying to get what he wants by the back door. If, when you're honest with yourself, this is a pattern then maybe you need to think again.
And a PP made a good point, how have you ended up with a venue that will hold 70+ when it was only going to be 25? Who chose it?

throwaway201809 · 17/06/2022 12:51

My fiance and I have totally different views on a wedding too. I wanted to elope, he wanted a big wedding.

We compromised and are eloping for the ceremony and having a big reception. It's all ended up fairly inexpensive. We told the reception venue that it was for a "friends and family get together" rather than a wedding, which ended up being much cheaper

Cameleongirl · 17/06/2022 13:50

There needs to be a compromise or hand the whole thing over to him to organise and you just worry about turning up. Might put him off a bit.

That’s an excellent idea, @gamerchick 😈. Although Joe family might take over then….

Cameleongirl · 17/06/2022 13:51

*Although his

GoldenSongbird · 17/06/2022 20:41

Gymnopedie · 17/06/2022 01:49

I think this is tricky tbh. You're both being inflexible and not able to compromise.

The OP wanted to elope, just the two of them. Because her fiance wanted family there, she agreed to having 25 people. He is now insisting on about 70, and that makes the OP feel she has to invite more from her side or her family will be asking why his third cousin twice removed is there but not hers.

The OP HAS compromised. The fiance is tearing up the agreement - he's the one who isn't compromising.

OP has jumped to wanting to cancel the wedding and spend the money on travelling - that isn't a compromise at all.

There's a relationship counselling technique that asks partners to rate how important an issue is to them, because sometimes issues aren't equally weighted. I doubt the size of the wedding is exactly the same importance to both of them. I doubt they both have the same family obligations and expectations. The idea that everything matters exactly the same to everybody is a fallacy. If they can't organise a wedding without arguing about numbers, making compromises, reneging on them, and then OP wanting to cancel it, then it says something bigger about their compatibility imo.

Alb0 · 17/06/2022 21:01

GoldenSongbird · 17/06/2022 20:41

OP has jumped to wanting to cancel the wedding and spend the money on travelling - that isn't a compromise at all.

There's a relationship counselling technique that asks partners to rate how important an issue is to them, because sometimes issues aren't equally weighted. I doubt the size of the wedding is exactly the same importance to both of them. I doubt they both have the same family obligations and expectations. The idea that everything matters exactly the same to everybody is a fallacy. If they can't organise a wedding without arguing about numbers, making compromises, reneging on them, and then OP wanting to cancel it, then it says something bigger about their compatibility imo.

Show quote history

She wants to cancel because her partner went back on their compromise, and tripled the agreed guest numbers. I think that's fair. She is not the one not willing to compromise here. She compromised, and he lied to her and changed it all. Therefore, she has the right to cancel.

GoldenSongbird · 18/06/2022 08:15

I didn't say she didn't have the 'right' to cancel it. I said it says something bigger about their compatibility that organising a wedding has caused so many problems.

Original poster
weddingsdvice · 18/06/2022 19:51

Big update - spoke to partner again and he has said it makes sense to cancel as we can’t afford it with another baby coming etc etc. we’ve used a part of the savings we did have and booked a registry office and a week glamping with our toddler to follow! so much happier with that

thanks for the advice all :)

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 18/06/2022 19:55

Excellent update! Well done.

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