To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

They get to be with their dad for a few months.

@FilterWash then we will leave it there. As we clearly aren’t going to agree that being ‘deprived of ONE parent’ for a few weeks is the same as a child’s parent dying.

Anyway…

I hope you have a fantastic time OP. You will be a fantastic role mode to your dc. I hope if my daughter ever gets the chance to do the same that she grabs the chance with both hands😁👍

I would.
What do YOU want to do? You're likely to be the one that finds it the hardest and with all the technology, you're able to keep in daily contact with them.
You will miss them a lot, but as another poster said, you're setting yourself up (and by extension them) for a bright future. And it's one time in your life. Especially if you can come back mid-trip. Congrats!! do it!!

Forgot to add that they also get to see that mum is working hard to provide for their future and is trying to better herself. I would say that’s good for them.

As you've described it, they are staying with your ex 50/50 and he's a good co-parent, supportive of the idea and would facilitate facetime, its less disruptive to have them there, especially as you will be coming home every other week and there's half term too when they could visit.
I think you should go for it, if it turns out to be too difficult you can always come home. Try it. 12 weeks with a half term is really six weeks, during which you will be home 3 weekends. Its a flight, but its not that far away.
Hopefully you can discuss your situation with your uni/college to find what support is available.

I spent half an academic year at a French university staying in a hall of residence. I wouldn’t say it was particularly culturally enriching. It’s a university.
I think I got more out of two weeks with a family.

Well it’s a selfish thought environmentally to be flying every 2 weeks but in terms of your kids I assume you know them and I agree with those saying this wouldn’t be a big trauma for them.

Two lots of six weeks I meant to say. Although it depends when she goes, but the point is that's quite a lot of regular visits and they are used to spending time at Dad's without her already and would be in the same routine, they know they will see her regularly.

There's no way I would go unless I was certain it would have a very positive impact on my future career. If they are close to you, they will find it very upsetting. If they are not that close they will be even less so when you get back. is it really worth it for “personal growth”.

I understood the point you were making.

You will miss them a lot

Will she? I've read every one of the ops posts and she hasn't once mentioned whether she would miss them or not.

This thread is peak mumsnet crazy and I’m totally here for it 😂

You’ve already been told that you are a terrible mother traumatising your dc worse than if you’d died op, but had you stopped for one moment to consider the environment you selfish hussy!

/s

Hope you are ignoring all the crazy and organising your flights op 💐❤️

I don't think OP would be planning to go if she would miss them that much. She just wants people to tell her it is a great idea so that she doesn't feel selfish.

Many women on MN are SAHP or homemakers and don’t agree with women working or having a life outside of the home, so I’d take some of the comments with a pinch of salt.

That explains all the lawyers urging caution, then 🙄

😀😀😀🤣Exactly!

I wouldn't. It sounds like a nice option, but speaking as a lawyer, you don't need to work abroad and to be honest working in a different legal system is unlikely to help. When I interview candidates whether someone worked abroad as part of their degree would not sway me as few universities have this option.

I am baffled by all those saying it is an amazing opportunity. It really isn’t. I’d say the same to a dad as well. Or even to anyone without children to think of. Leaving aside the children altogether, this won’t help you. It possibly will damage your studies even. Don’t do this if you are studying law. Save your ex’s goodwill for all the times you really will need help with your children later on when qualified. Not for this.

But posters who say this can't have it both ways!
If the children will actually be traumatised (not 'unsettled' - everyone gets 'unsettled' sometimes- if that's enough to stop you doing anything they should never move school or house or have childcare or go on holiday abroad) then they will be traumatised whether the separation enhances career prospects or not, so no parent should ever leave their child unless it is an emergency or they would lose their job I'd they refused.
If it won't traumatise the kids, they are resilient, and like many, many posters and children across the globe they get through this and are absolutely fine, and actually spend a run of time in one house, not moving around like they are now, what difference does it make why OP is going?

Yep, the multiple lawyers, even and the senior lawyers who hire lawyers who have commented here are all definitely jealous. That’s definitely the reason why they have all said it makes zero difference to a career in law and won’t be beneficial in the slightest……

So sure, ignore the actual lawyers who work in this field and actually know what they’re talking about. Just listen to the huns brigade crowing “you go girl” because taking a 4 yr old away from her mother for three months definitely won’t be problematic at all.

Jesus fucking Christ.

If you want a three month break from parenting to just go and enjoy a jolly overseas at least have the decency to be honest about it. Stop pretending it will make any difference to your career because as multiple lawyers have now pointed out, it won’t. And despite what the “you go girl” brigade keep insisting, I doubt your very young children will feel like it’s an “amazing experience” either. So drop the facade, it’s insulting.

I wouldn’t. I spent 3 months abroad pre-kids as part of my university course. It didn’t help me academically at all, it was just 3 months somewhere different to have a holiday. Whilst there I was ill and missed my family a lot, my Grandma became incredibly ill and it was hard being away. I couldn’t imagine doing it with 2 children at home.

Some people are quite wildly emotionally over-invested in this thread.

Has anyone here or, in fact, anywhere since the mid-90s actually said 'you go girl'? Or have people just said that 3 months with a loving and competent parent won't harm children?

As a pp has posted earlier, it's 24 extra days her kids won't see her. I realise that seems a lot to people who claim they are still traumatised because their mom went away for a weekend once 20 years ago, but in the "hun" world it doesn't seem too much.

It may or may not help OP. I have a law degree but went into another related field because I couldn't handle the long hours with DC. My foreign experience did help in that.

Not sure I would. My kids dad has been abroad for 7yrs out of their 17 /14yr lives and no-one bats an eyelid so if you want to go, go for it. Don’t let others put you off

Yep, the multiple lawyers, even and the senior lawyers who hire lawyers who have commented here are all definitely jealous. That’s definitely the reason why they have all said it makes zero difference to a career in law and won’t be beneficial in the slightest……

So sure, ignore the actual lawyers who work in this field and actually know what they’re talking about. Just listen to the huns brigade crowing “you go girl” because taking a 4 yr old away from her mother for three months definitely won’t be problematic at all.

Jesus fucking Christ

Sure, sure, all the ‘top lawyers’ are on here getting wound up and wailing about a four year old not seeing their mum for a few weeks.
Not like they have anything better to do 😂👍

All I know is I can see who the articulate, professional sounding posters are. And they aren’t the ones moaning about the ‘go girl brigade’ and being hyperbolic about ‘taking a four year old away from their mother’. 🙄

Ok so can't take the train to Paris. It is winter and spring- can you shoehorn in some nice trips with the kids, have them visit you a couple of weekends? Skiing etc.? Is there any chance that they would not love that?

My jetsetting DBIL and SIL live between 2/3 different countries with their DC same ages as yours. They are the happiest, healthiest, most confident and adaptable children I have ever met. Their parents go to sporting events, weddings, retreats abroad without DCs (GPs babysit) without a second thought. Maybe their living life to the full and enjoying experiencing diffrent cultures while being dedicated, loving and attentive parents when they are present is why a) they are high fliers who work internationally when it suits them b) their kids have similar traits and are so happy.

And they wouldn't give a fig what parents who don't share their values think. Why do you?