To not send this card

[BiscoffSundae]

I posted about this on another bit yesterday but just wanted opinions on whether to actually send it or not.

I have a 5 year old daughter, she has no contact with her father completely his choice. He ended it with me when I was pregnant and wanted me to have an abortion, I didn’t want to so that was that. He told me he would never be involved, he didn’t come to her birth and didn’t see her at all until she was 2 when he came back and wanted to see her I decided to give this a chance but he saw her once then didn’t bother again, he did the same a year later and asked to see her again but only saw her for a couple of months before disappearing again for the final time the last time he saw her she was 3 years old, no contact at all since then. Dd never mentions him and never asks any questions. I’ve spoken briefly about him but didn’t push it as she never mentions him and doesn’t seem interested in talking about him.

Father’s Day I mentioned to the school that dds dad is absent and they told me they would just make generic cards at school as quite a few children don’t see their father, when I picked dd up however she told me she made a Father’s Day card and she wants to give it to her father, I was a little taken back as I’ve heard kids with absent fathers usually just address it to someone else but dd was adamant it was for her father. She even told me she wanted to go and buy another card for him, She asked me how she can give it to him, I was caught of guard so I just said I don’t know, to which I she replied “well you don’t like him seeing me” this is not the case at all and far from the truth, I didn’t respond to it because I didn’t know what to say but I don’t want dd thinking I’m the reason she doesn’t see him when that isn’t the case but also I don’t want to say that he doesn’t want to see her 😔

anyway she has asked to post the cards (she actually ended up making one as she decided she wanted to make another and she kept asking me what his favourite colour was and what his favourite things were, I didn’t even know how to answer that) so now to my aibu, I don’t want to send the cards to this man, he doesn’t deserve them, dd is adamant she wants to send them and asked to post them after school today, WIBU to send them to her grandad instead? I won’t lie to her about this and I will suggest that we do that instead. Dd was not her usual self yesterday and seemed very down and upset and didn’t want to go to school today either, the activity has clearly affected her and I’m sure hearing the other kids talking about what their dads like and their favourite colour has prompted this, I’m so heart broken for her and it was very difficult but he is the one that chose not to be involved. (Just for context we have older children as well that he also doesn’t see but they want nothing to do with him but just thought I would add that for reference he’s not been involved with any of them since)

I have no experience of this so feel free to disregard, but my feeling would be - it’s not about him (whether he deserves a card or not) - it’s about her, and she wants to send a card to her dad. I would let her do it.

Sounds like she's having a tricky time. If it just says "to dad" and nothing gushing about him being amazing then I don't see why she shouldn't post it.

I grew up without a dad and father's day was hard because everybody else would gush about their dad. My mom was completely honest with me- my dad didn't want to be involved in my life. May seem harsh but it helped to know the truth- I knew my mom was my main parent and didn't have any what ifs. We gave fathers day cards to the other male role models in my life- grandad and uncles.

- it’s not about him (whether he deserves a card or not) - it’s about her, and she wants to send a card to her dad.

This 100% its not about your feelings its about hers. However be honest and explain he has chosen to not be a father (don't say to not see her its about him not her)

She wants to send a card to her dad so I would let her. True, he doesn't deserve it but it's not about him it's about her wishes. You never know it might open a few doors going forward and be the start of a father daughter relationship

He doesn’t want to see her, he’s made it clear, so I’m just worried it will be more hurt, and then if he doesn’t respond which is most likely? It’s just such a tough situation but I want to do what is best. Whilst I have never stopped him I also don’t want to initiate contact.

I'm afraid I think you are in the wrong here. You say you don't mention him because she doesn't mention him or seem interested in him - now she is showing interest in him and you are shutting her down.
It's understandable that you have negative feelings towards him, he's behaved awfully, but if she is showing an interest I think it's reasonable to act on it.
Send him the card with a note from you explaining that it came from a school project and it was her choice to send it, so he doesn't think it's you trying to build something.
Then you can encourage her to make another card for her grandad, because father figures don't have to be a father, she can have a fatherly relationship with others.

Be honest with her. Tell her he doesn’t want to see her, don’t let her think it’s you stopping it. You think you’re protecting her but in the long run it will be worse. Say that he doesn’t want to see her and it’s sad for her as she’s older now and can see her friends with dads, but you can still send the card together and you’ll take her to the post office but he might not get in touch back. You’re honest with her and prepared her and not shut her down.

I do mention him she knows his name where he lives etc I just don’t say much about him as she never seems interested and hasn’t asked anything which is why it came as such a shock.

yes I do believe he will think it’s coming from me and I’ve prompted dd to do it as in the past I use to get him Father’s Day cards from the older children (when he did see them) but he asked me not to

Also I didn’t shut her down she also asked me to make a card with her as well for him which I did despite how much I didn’t want to (I will of course not send that!) she also asked the other kids to make a card but they did not want to.

"He doesn’t want to see her, he’s made it clear,"

That was 6 years ago though, things change. People change.

No it wasn’t; he’s seen her twice since, and has disappeared again saying the same thing “doesn’t want to be a dad/doesn’t know why he came back to see her” etc sorry if that wasn’t clear.

The last time he saw her was when she was 3 he hasn’t tried to see her since so I’m not sure how he could have changed otherwise he would be the one making contact

Well perhaps receiving a father days card will make him think about his behaviour.

Anyway, you seem to have already decided not to send it so you'll just have to explain yourself to your dd in an age appropriate way.

Wh

Stupid phone.

What harm will sending it do? It'll make your daughter happy. If you don't send it, she won't get a response anyway so I'm not sure the lack of response is a valid argument.

You need to consider her feelings. He may be a shit dad but he's still her dad and you don't want her to resent YOU for not facilitating her attempt at a relationship with him.

No not at all I’m still open to sending it if It’s the right thing to do just want to clarify the first time he came back to see her when she was 2 he saw her once then told me he had made a mistake and actually didn’t want to see her again, it was my choice to keep her and he wants nothing to do with her, he will never be a dad and to only contact him if it was an emergency, after that I completely cut contact with him and respected what he said not to contact him again, however during covid he got back in contact and said he didn’t mean what he had said, He started seeing them again and then after a few months he stopped, he had every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t see them, mainly Covid related. He went 5 months without seeing them he contacted me just before her 4th birthday asking if he could come on her birthday, I said yes but he just didn’t show up, he didn’t contact me at all on the day, I texted him twice and it was both ignored, he hasn’t seen her since jan 2021. Just clearing up that we’ve had contact with him since she was born.

Whether you send it or not you're going to need to explain carefully to her that she might not hear back from him. Im afraid I don't have any good advice on words to use to do that.

Send it. But bloody school, what on earth were they thinking.

She’s been so upset about it since she was very off with me yesterday and wasn’t her usual self, I said to her we could make some pictures tomorrow at home (as we have so much left over stuff) but she got very angry at me and shouted “NO!” It’s been horrible to see her so upset.

Well, I'd be having a word with the school for a start!

Also, do you have older children with him?

I wouldn't send it. He's made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with any of them. (No, I don't understand either).

Tell. DD that it's not HER he doesn't want to see, that's it's nothing about HER he doesn't like, it's just that he doesn't want the responsibility of being a father to any children, explain that he is the one losing out on being a part of their lives, but that's a choice he has made.

He had made it clear & I don't think a card is going to change his mind anytime soon, but even if it did make him start to see her? What then? He'd only puss off again & then she will take it personally!!

sometimes you just have to tell them something that you really shouldn't have to, for their own good!!

Reading an OP's posts is always helpful!!

yes, she does, older ones who no longer want to see him. Funnily enough.

Poor girl, and poor you.

Would she accept putting them in a box somewhere? I wonder if you could say something like, “We can’t send them because he asked me not to, and whilst I think he’s mad for not being in your life, sometimes we have to respect other people’s decisions, even if we think they’re wrong. But we could put them in this safe place and then if he ever changes his mind, they’re here for him” ??

And then I’d just love on her a LOT the rest of the week, she’s clearly feeling hurt and I can completely understand why.

I would also let the school know the upset the activity caused and ask them to rethink how they handle it in future.