To not send this card

[BiscoffSundae]

I posted about this on another bit yesterday but just wanted opinions on whether to actually send it or not.

I have a 5 year old daughter, she has no contact with her father completely his choice. He ended it with me when I was pregnant and wanted me to have an abortion, I didn’t want to so that was that. He told me he would never be involved, he didn’t come to her birth and didn’t see her at all until she was 2 when he came back and wanted to see her I decided to give this a chance but he saw her once then didn’t bother again, he did the same a year later and asked to see her again but only saw her for a couple of months before disappearing again for the final time the last time he saw her she was 3 years old, no contact at all since then. Dd never mentions him and never asks any questions. I’ve spoken briefly about him but didn’t push it as she never mentions him and doesn’t seem interested in talking about him.

Father’s Day I mentioned to the school that dds dad is absent and they told me they would just make generic cards at school as quite a few children don’t see their father, when I picked dd up however she told me she made a Father’s Day card and she wants to give it to her father, I was a little taken back as I’ve heard kids with absent fathers usually just address it to someone else but dd was adamant it was for her father. She even told me she wanted to go and buy another card for him, She asked me how she can give it to him, I was caught of guard so I just said I don’t know, to which I she replied “well you don’t like him seeing me” this is not the case at all and far from the truth, I didn’t respond to it because I didn’t know what to say but I don’t want dd thinking I’m the reason she doesn’t see him when that isn’t the case but also I don’t want to say that he doesn’t want to see her 😔

anyway she has asked to post the cards (she actually ended up making one as she decided she wanted to make another and she kept asking me what his favourite colour was and what his favourite things were, I didn’t even know how to answer that) so now to my aibu, I don’t want to send the cards to this man, he doesn’t deserve them, dd is adamant she wants to send them and asked to post them after school today, WIBU to send them to her grandad instead? I won’t lie to her about this and I will suggest that we do that instead. Dd was not her usual self yesterday and seemed very down and upset and didn’t want to go to school today either, the activity has clearly affected her and I’m sure hearing the other kids talking about what their dads like and their favourite colour has prompted this, I’m so heart broken for her and it was very difficult but he is the one that chose not to be involved. (Just for context we have older children as well that he also doesn’t see but they want nothing to do with him but just thought I would add that for reference he’s not been involved with any of them since)

Sorry, ignore my previous post. I started writing it earlier and was distracted, so hadn't read your update before I posted my post..
Glad it's resolved itself

Poor little girl
How can parents be so selfish. Just send it if you can. I wish they would scrap these events.They cause misery for alot of ppl.

Hopefully it's resolved itself based on your last update, but my goodness, I'd be fuming with the school over this.

Ah I'm so glad she actually wanted to send it to someone decent! Poor girl must be confused!

I would let her send the card, since she wants to. I would be concerned, though, that she might expect a response from him and she could finish up being upset if he doesn't acknowledge the card.
I think schools should stop making mothers' day and fathers' day cards, as so many families are not 'mummy, daddy and two point four children.'
It's an upsetting activity for a lot of children.

Despite whether he wants to see his children or not, I hope you have put in a claim for CSM

I would just tell her the truth, he isn't interested at the moment

Sorry, I didn't see the update.

My eldest twos dad doesn't see them. Hasn't for 9 years now. My ds was 3 and dd 3m last time he saw them. I've always tried to be as age appropriately honest about everything. I told my dd at about your dd age that he just didn't know how to be a dad to them and that it wasn't their fault but that I didn't know where he was nor was i able to contact him. It's so hard to be honest whilst not making them feel rejected

If further down the line she was to have some sort of relationship with him he could potentially turn things back on you and say he hadn't received any cards which could have a massive impact on your relationship with your daughter.

I know you posted before seeing OP's update but (with apologies for being so direct) this is such nonsense.

The reality is this man has had no relationship with his children, and is really unlikely to change.

Even if there was some resumption of the relationship, as long as OP is honest with her DD, there's no reason to believe that she would be influenced by not sending cards.

I think that sounds like a very good approach, you were honest about the situation.

It's really sad, but I firmly believe being honest with children is the most important thing & as long as you are, they can cope with anything else that arises.

Please don't blame the school

. It's father's day soon, School will acknowledge that just as they do mothers day etc

. School might have mad card making as their art session but with the suggestion it is for someone special / someone who cares for you - they may not have made it specifically for father's day

. It may not have bern school pushing fathers day when card making, it could have been other pupils talking about their own dad. Quite often if schools tiptoe about such events pupils, especially younger ones will still talk about events they are looking forward to.

This sounds perfect and age appropriate x

I think no matter if I send them or not he will blame me and say he didn’t get them either way, the first time he saw them once then disappeared and told me he didn’t want to see them, when he came back year later he totally denied saying any of it, he said we was talking fine and then I randomly blocked him. So he will change the past to suit him either way. My older kids know the truth so will be able to confirm it to dd, they saw him asleep on the sofa and refuse to take them anywhere, or say he is coming for her birthday then never show up.

well today she again refused to go to school, she got in the gate then said she wasn’t going, they wouldn’t let her back out of the gate and wanted to physically get her in! I told them no but they wouldn’t open the gate, they kept saying she will be fine once she gets in, my dd was trying to reach the button to get out of the gate but she couldn’t reach it (it can not open from the outside so I couldn’t open it) they told me she will be fine, her teacher said she was “being silly” eventually she went in but kept trying to pull away, I am fuming about this, they wouldn’t open the gate and just kept saying she will be fine and saying why don’t you go and we will get her in, I felt powerless as I was behind the gate, I don’t want to send her in on Monday, clearly this has really affected her I keep thinking maybe someone has said something to her? And the teacher referring to her as being silly! She was clearly upset this is not like dd at all she loves school usually and wouldn’t try to lie to get off school I’m shocked by their lack of understanding

I agree with this, should this come up again.
I also think that the school should have been more aware of the children without Dads, and explained that they could make a card for any other man who is important to them.

honestly I’m really annoyed at how insensitive they are, she was trying to pull on the gate and they told her the care taker would tell her off, I shouldn’t have let them take her in she clearly didn’t want to go all I got is she will be fine, well clearly she’s not!

be honest with her, not brutally honest obviously but say that being a parent requires selflessness, giving all the time, never taking. Describe in an age-appropriate way. Say that not everybody is equipped to be a parent and he isn't equipped to be a person who gives.

My friend was in a similar situation and she tried to ''big him up'' thinking it was the right thing to do, the ''non bitter'' thing to do, but eventually the child asked her why if he was so great did he not want to see his child?

You have to make it clear that the shortcomings are HIS or she will believe they are hers.