To not send this card

[BiscoffSundae]

I posted about this on another bit yesterday but just wanted opinions on whether to actually send it or not.

I have a 5 year old daughter, she has no contact with her father completely his choice. He ended it with me when I was pregnant and wanted me to have an abortion, I didn’t want to so that was that. He told me he would never be involved, he didn’t come to her birth and didn’t see her at all until she was 2 when he came back and wanted to see her I decided to give this a chance but he saw her once then didn’t bother again, he did the same a year later and asked to see her again but only saw her for a couple of months before disappearing again for the final time the last time he saw her she was 3 years old, no contact at all since then. Dd never mentions him and never asks any questions. I’ve spoken briefly about him but didn’t push it as she never mentions him and doesn’t seem interested in talking about him.

Father’s Day I mentioned to the school that dds dad is absent and they told me they would just make generic cards at school as quite a few children don’t see their father, when I picked dd up however she told me she made a Father’s Day card and she wants to give it to her father, I was a little taken back as I’ve heard kids with absent fathers usually just address it to someone else but dd was adamant it was for her father. She even told me she wanted to go and buy another card for him, She asked me how she can give it to him, I was caught of guard so I just said I don’t know, to which I she replied “well you don’t like him seeing me” this is not the case at all and far from the truth, I didn’t respond to it because I didn’t know what to say but I don’t want dd thinking I’m the reason she doesn’t see him when that isn’t the case but also I don’t want to say that he doesn’t want to see her 😔

anyway she has asked to post the cards (she actually ended up making one as she decided she wanted to make another and she kept asking me what his favourite colour was and what his favourite things were, I didn’t even know how to answer that) so now to my aibu, I don’t want to send the cards to this man, he doesn’t deserve them, dd is adamant she wants to send them and asked to post them after school today, WIBU to send them to her grandad instead? I won’t lie to her about this and I will suggest that we do that instead. Dd was not her usual self yesterday and seemed very down and upset and didn’t want to go to school today either, the activity has clearly affected her and I’m sure hearing the other kids talking about what their dads like and their favourite colour has prompted this, I’m so heart broken for her and it was very difficult but he is the one that chose not to be involved. (Just for context we have older children as well that he also doesn’t see but they want nothing to do with him but just thought I would add that for reference he’s not been involved with any of them since)

I wouldn’t send it OP, if he’s had contact with her twice and then stopped I would be worried this would trigger him to do the same again. See her once or twice then drop contact again. Which would be even more upsetting for her.

There’s lots of children’s books focussed on all the different family set ups (single parents, gay parents etc) which might be good to read with your DD to show her not every family has a mummy and daddy. Maybe help her think of a man who is like a daddy to her (maybe your dad or an uncle?) and encourage her to send something to him

She doesn't love her daddy. She doesn't know her daddy. She loves the idea of a daddy just because the school have had it at the forefront of her mind. This will not be the first or last time this happens. He has made it obvious he is not interested. To appease her I would put it in a envelope and send it to 'Daddy' just like you do with Santa and then try and do some things to take her mind off him. Organise something nice for Sunday so she is excited in other ways and if the topic does come up you can say that she sent the card which was the main thing so even if daddy doesn't reply he knows she thought of him.

We have older children yes he ended things when I was pregnant with my youngest because I wouldn’t have an abortion. He said if I kept her he wouldn’t be around and I would be doing it alone, he was actually meant to see her when she was 5 weeks old (didn’t see him at all in my pregnancy) but he just never showed up, see that pattern? Just like her birthday which is why despite the fact I haven’t stopped contact I also don’t want to open it up again, he will only do the same thing, it’s not him contacting me so nothing to say he’s changed which I doubt anyway, what makes it worse is that her birthday was last month, we didn’t hear a thing, so now sending him a Father’s Day card? Hmm. my older children aren’t interested in him and was confused about she was making cards, I had to keep shushing them as they weren’t happy about it and she was asking for help with the card but they wouldn’t help her and I didn’t want to upset her. they’ve made their minds up about him and know the truth. When he use to see them it was at my house, he refused to take them anywhere and would fall asleep on my sofa, there is no way that is happening again.

in the past I use to get him Father’s Day cards from the older children (when he did see them) but he asked me not to

That adds to the issue, doesn't it? Getting these cards could set off something unpleasant. And it would be awful for an innocent DD's action to result in further conflict.

I can only think that you could maybe say that the other DCs used to send him cards, but he didn't like them. But that Grandad loves getting cards.
If she still insists that they're for her dad, I'd simply tell her that he probably won't reply so not to expect him to say thank you. Then either bin them if you can, or put an entirely wrong adress on them (maybe that of one of your friends out of the area, who might field them?) if she insists on putting them in the post box

Oh OP, it sounds to me from how you've described her actions (trying to get everyone to make cards) that she's trying to make a family happen that fits her imagination based on what her friends appear to have.

I think -and I have no experience of this - that I would probably think it was time to have some difficult conversations - yes she can send the card if she really wants to, but it's unlikely her dad will respond because hes let her down before, and if he does respond, her daddy still won't be part of your family the same as other people's Daddy's are BUT we are so lucky to have each other & grandad etc etc.

It sounds really hard OP 💐

Just to add that I do think that you need to let her talk about her dad, though. And you need to asnwer her questions.

Also you need to explain to your other children that they need to bear her feelings in mind, that she's younger and she still has to go through the stages that they have. While understandable, it was a bit mean of them not to help her with her cards, because she won't understand why.

Yes I need to talk to my boys as they kept making comments because she was asking what things her fathers like so she can draw them on the card but they kept making negative suggestions (like he likes sleeping on the sofa)

the family thing makes sense my boys did get some papers and pens to do drawings as well (not Father’s Day cards) and she kept saying “what are you drawing?” over and and over to them like she wanted to hear they was making on too as she couldn’t understand why they didn’t want to.

I would do something like this.

I have a Dad who was also absent. I last saw him when I was two and I really think you’re opening her to a world of hurt if he doesn’t write back or decides to see her once and fucks off again. She’s at an age where she will soon start picking up and working things out. Knowing that you have a Dad there who could see you but chooses not to is awful especially because you blame yourself. She’s five and I don’t think she really knows what she’s asking for. She sees other children with Daddy’s and making Fathers Day cards and she wants to join in. She doesn’t love her Daddy, she doesn’t even know him.

I don’t think you need to send the card but I do think you need to have a proper talk with her.

I agree.

She's taken with the idea of a dad, and what a dad should be - and maybe the type of dads that some of her classmates have. Bless her, it's so hard at that age to understand that your dad just doesn't want you. So it makes sense for her to blame you for "stopping him".

The problem is, you send him that card and what if that prickles his conscience and he comes to see her - but then drops her as he's done twice before? She'll feel infinitely worse and it WILL affect her much more significantly than a seasonal Father's Day will.

If there was any reasonable chance that he had changed, it would be fine to send the card. But he'll either a) ignore it b) give you shit for sending it c) see her and then drop her again. Whatever the outcome is, your daughter will be worse off.

Absolutely don't send it. I wouldn't. And just for reference, my DC's biological father disappeared during pregnancy too and has never been in touch, despite me contacting him to ask. They're now 12 (twins) and they're perfectly fine and well-adjusted without any input from him. Imo children are better off without parents that are going to mess them around, hurt them and just generally let them down - that can really affect a child's sense of self-worth way more than an absent parent ever could.

I wouldn’t send it. My fear would be that he would yet again get in contact, prompted by the card, see your daughter briefly and then disappear again. Her current thoughts will pass once Father’s Day has gone, but if he pops into her life for a couple of visits before disappearing, that could cause further much bigger issues and be very upsetting for her. He sounds completely pathetic and unworthy of you all.

I did have to laugh at your sons suggesting negative things, that he likes sleeping on the sofa. What a loser missing out on his children.

I agree with posters saying not to send it.

It's not just about sending a card. It's what it represents. A PP had it right when she says that DD is buying into some sense of 'loving Daddy' that the school have put in her head.

One way or another it is building up expectations for her that are going to be unmet.

My 3 DC have a rubbish manipulative father. I spent years when they were young trying to make it ok & protect them. Ultimately I had to have honest conversations with them, which were painful & sad, but much better, ultimately. He has continued to let them down but they cope quite well, as they have accepted the situation.

So, yes, I agree with speaking honestly to her and making sure she knows it's not her fault.

I would post it. She will question in her childhood and beyond why he’s not around, why he didn’t answer her cards, why she couldn't see him. The answer is because he doesn’t want to, I wouldn’t want it to be because mum wouldn’t post cards, if one of you has to let her down it should be him, don’t do him any favours by making it you OP. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong choice though, it must be so difficult to navigate. Hopefully this will pass once Father’s Day is over though.

make a box with a slot.
let her 'post' it in there to save up so that when he is ready to be her dad he can see them
that's how one of my friends worded it to their son.

Daddy isnt ready to be a dad.
full stop
its frigging sad tho - how old are the older kids? let them tell her...

There is so much going on here so I think the first thing you need to do is have a word with the school. You were informed that children with absent fathers were going to be making generic cards? My question would be why would they be making a 'Father's' day card at all if their father is absent? What if, god forbid, a child didn't have a father because he had passed away? Would they have been made to make a Father's day card too?

I mean most businesses now ask you in the run up to Mother's day and Father's day, whether you want to opt out of their marketing emails so I'd say this should have been treated the same way by the school. Couldn't they have made something else entirely? A windmill for the garden perhaps?

Secondly, someone posted that she loves her daddy - I don't know how this would be possible considering (based on what the OP has written) she has had minimal interaction with the man since she was born. Perhaps she is in love with the idea of her father, which would be something that you need to work through over the coming weeks and months.

Lastly, if her siblings are winding her up by making suggestions for what she could draw on the card, then you also need to be having a word with them too. He's no longer in your lives and that's all there is to it. It was his decision to leave and they don't get to wind their little sister up because of their father's actions. It's a very mean thing to do to her. You love them all but you won't put up with this sort of thing and they need to pull together, be stronger together than cause each other to be upset.

Would there be a way that you could pop the card in a larger envelope and address it back to yourself before you go an post it? When you see it come in, you'll know what it is and you'll be able to dispose of it without her seeing? You don't want to initiate contact again and if she were to send it on, particularly as her father doesn't want these cards, that's what would be happening here.

I was going to say this. Just tell her you can send him the cards but he might not get in touch, and it's not because of her or you, it's because of him.

If you send it to her grandfather what's the likelihood of him thanking her for the cards?

Wow, so sad. Don´t let the other kids mock her on this. She needs someone to talk to her age appropriate. I would let her send the card but start the idea he will most probably not respond. Crappy task, I don´t envy you. For goodness sake never let her know, not even as an adult that he wanted to abort her. Despicable man.

Ok so a bit of an update, I picked her up today and I said do you still want to get stamps and she said yes so we went to the post office, I then went to the shop and bought a card for my dad and asked if she would also like to get one for him, that’s when she said I do have one for him, I asked her what she meant and she said her card was for “dad in the wheelchair” my dad is in a wheelchair. So I guess she meant it was for my dad? Still obviously need to have a talk with her about it all but she’s in a much better mood today. So I’m not going to send it to her father.

She will question in her childhood and beyond why he’s not around,

The answer is because he doesn’t want to, I wouldn’t want it to be because mum wouldn’t post cards, if one of you has to let her down it should be him,

No. The only answer is because her father was not able to be a decent father. It's never going to be 'because mum wouldn't post cards', that's so insulting to OP.

OP isn't letting her down whether she posts the card or not.

That's a good update OP. Agree - good to have a chat with her about it all.

Good update.
Really shit of the school though.

Do you HAVE to put dad's address on the envelope? If she's 5, I imagine she's not that hot on reading, and not clued up enough to know people's addresses? Could you brief a sensible friend? A relative? Someone to receive the post and then just dispose of it?

Thank you.

thanks for all the comments I’m so glad it’s all cleared up and she’s back to her happy self. We are just off to post our cards and then off to the park for a bit!

I've been in your situation and no matter how much he doesn't deserve this, it's her choice to send the card.

I'd take her to post the card herself so she can see it's been sent, but prepare her that she might not get a response from him.

If further down the line she was to have some sort of relationship with him he could potentially turn things back on you and say he hadn't received any cards which could have a massive impact on your relationship with your daughter.

Ultimately you know your daughter best and need to do what you feel is right for her - try to think how you would feel in her situation.

Good luck, it's a tough one xx