To think that my ex and the court can’t control this?

[EW1995]

My ex stopped seeing our child a year ago - there has been a no contact court order in place due to severity of domestic abuse etc.

He has just started seeing her in a highly supervised contact centre setting (2 people supervising the whole time).

8 months ago we got a dog, which is a much loved member of our family, everything has been relatively straight forward and no concerns etc.

DD has mentioned her new ‘best friend’ (as she calls the dog!) to her dad, as an excited child would do, and her dad has now responded by calling my solicitor saying that he wants to raise a concern to the court - he doesn’t want DD living with a dog because he doesn’t feel that I have the capacity to care for both of them well enough together or keep DD safe around this dog either 🤨

Ex has never even see me care for a pet, but when we used to have contact, would always tell me I wasn’t allowed to have one - yes in my own home! - so I’m guessing DD telling him this has majorly pissed him off.

Surely there is nothing that he or the court can do to make me get rid of the dog?!

Tell him you look forward to this being the subject of a Court hearing.

I'd also discuss with your solicitor the issue of him contacting them and you getting billed - can they refuse his communications?

Agree with pp - you want him to say this kind of thing in court, as it says everything about how unreasonable he is. When he says he's going to court, smile and say you look forward to it very much.

I'm sure there's no issue here.

But why isn't your SM much more secure?

Tell your solicitor you will not pay for any time they choose to spend talking to him unless it comes from a solicitor. If you need to sack the solicitor. They work for you so you can dictate the terms of that service.

Unless it was a banned breed, the court won’t give a shit. He’s wasting his time and money. The fact that it’s a poodle is neither here nor there - It could be a Rottweiler or a German Shepherd or bull mastiff or anything else: it is still not illegal for a child to live with a dog and your ex wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s just bullying you. And by extension he’s also bullying your daughter.

If your solicitor is relaying messages from him (ie not your instructions) then he pays not you.

You need to speak to them.

Tell your solicitor not to entertain his calls anymore! Why should you have to pay her to pass on his messages if he can't afford be arsed to pay for a solicitor himself!
As a fellow SEN mum, I wish you, your daughter and your dog lots of happy times together!

Laughing at the fact he is trying to convince people that a miniature poodle is more dangerous than a man not allowed to see his kids because of his violent behaviour

What a bellend.

Lock down your sm and block and unfriend him. Just because he’s your child’s father doesn’t mean he can have access to anything.

He doesn’t get a say about what happens in your home unless it’s a safety issue and even then he has to go through proper channels. And this doesn’t include calling your solicitor.

Don’t engage with him. That’s a wonderful bonus about contact centres, not having to deal with their shit. When I was using one, staff would not pass on his messages and instead told him he needs to go through his solicitor. To give me a laugh at times they would let me know his batshit ideas.

If you get official letters through your solicitor just respond ok see you in court.

Finally have you done the freedom program? It can be very effective for dealing with these idiots, it can give you that feeling of power.

Oh and congrats getting discharged by mh team. If he does try and use this against you, you can get in contact with mh to write a letter in your support and emphasising how well you have both done when he stopped seeing you dc.

I cannot believe you are paying the solicitor to relay unwanted messages. Tell them not to enable him and to tell him to get his own or bill him rather than acting as his flying monkeys and billing you for the privilege. The nerve!

I agree with everyone else. Block and ignore. He is grasping at straws to extend his control of you. Don't play along with it.

What a fucking twat. Your poor daughter having this idiot for a father. I’m glad she’s got the dog as a distraction from her most likely horrible visits to the contact centre.

Why is your solicitor engaging with him??

Tell your solicitor you will not pay for any time they choose to spend talking to him unless it comes from a solicitor. If you need to sack the solicitor. They work for you so you can dictate the terms of that service.

this^^

why on earth would a solicitor be taking calls from your ex? thus my question of what did the solicitor say?

and then I get billed for her to relay these messages to me in a meeting!

This needs to stop. I don't think a solicitor can act on behalf of two people involved in the same issue so she is acting unprofessionally. She not be engaging with him at all.

Thank you everyone, he doesn’t have anyone to represent him (he says he can’t afford it) so basically tries to treat my solicitor like his own - and then I get billed for her to relay these messages to me in a meeting!

You need to get that crap cut out OP.
Instruct your solicitor not to accept his calls, & that she is not authorised to communicate with him & then bill you for it, unless it is by your express direction.

*Lockdown your social media so people who aren't friends can't see your posts or photos
*Delete off anyone likely to screenshot things to him
*A pet is actually a good thing for a child with additional needs;it teaches them responsibility and is a friend who'll love them unconditionally.
*He's an abuser who's lost control over you so will use whatever pathetic crumbs he can to try to control you.
*He'll be laughed out of court.

Not read all of this, but do you know you can ask your solicitor not to reply so that this reduces the cost to yourself? I did this with my ex when he kept sending drunken rants to my solicitor at 2am ....

What did your Solicitor say to him? Agree tell Solicitor you won’t be paying for contact with your Ex.

I agree with other posters to instruct your solicitor that you do not wish her to speak to/acknowledge emails or any other contact directly from him. Make it clear you will not be paying for any time spent in this regard going forward.

Get your vet to refer you to a behavioural assessment by a qualified individual.

Then the court can't do anything.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Fellow survivor and SEN mum here. (We also have a pet snake!)
I work in a SEN school, we have Pets As Therapy (PAT) dogs on site weekly. Pets are great for children (and adults), they teach responsibility and empathy and provide companionship.

I agree with above, but understand why you may not want to tell your solicitor to stop the communication. He is attempting to use your solicitor as a mediator, but you have been to court and there is nothing to mediate here. It should not reflect badly on you to ask your solicitor to cease forwarding his messages.

He really is just trying to weed his way back into your head/life.
Unfortunately, that doesn't always stop, not even when they get a new partner or have more children.
The Family Wizard platform suggested above is a good shout. You could also create a dedicated email address that you use for any communications with him... everything can then be in one place and easy enough to find. Then block him and anyone else who may snoop on his behalf from everything else: SM, calls, messages, WhatsApp, other email addresses. Everything.

By taking things like that into your own control, you can build up resilience against him. Messages like the one you received, can be responded to if and when you want to respond.
As a rule, try to give as little away as possible. Don't give him any more information than is necessary. Try to keep your emotions out of communications. Keep to the point and copy and paste your responses when you have already said enough. Be aware of your own responses to, don't bite, take your time and calm down before you respond to messages that upset you.
Over some time, he will see that he's not getting his desired responses from you and he will hopefully perceive his diminishing control over your life, head and emotions.

Well done for coming as far as you have. It's not easy and the court process can be incredibly hard and daunting and I know that nothing is given, even if it should be. If it does go to court, or you are still in the midst of court proceedings, have all of the benefits prepared for your argument to keep your dog and gather any evidence you have of him threatening violence against animals.
Be sure to draw clear attention to this being an example of the coercive control you are still subject to from him.
Honestly though, if he can't afford his own solicitor, he's unlikely to spend the money bringing this to court as a separate hearing.

Tl,Dr: pets are good, especially for kids with SEN.
Prepare for him to bring it to court, tell them it's coercive control, have the benefits prepared on argument to keep your dog.

Good luck.

Email or write (don't phone) your solicitor and give them strict instructions that you will only be paying them for any actions that you give him instructions on and that you will not be paying for anything on behalf of your ex. When he bills you ask for a detailed bill of costs attached to your invoice so you can see exactly what he is charging for.

I doubt a judge would entertain it for a minute. Pathetic excuse of control by your ex. I actually cringe at people who go to courts about this sort of thing

I am a grandparent carer and used to get incredibly stressed by gs's dad's attempts to control and ruin things for gs1. I learned over the years to ignore, ignore, ignore. I realised he had the attention span of a gnat and would move onto something else pretty quickly. Only you know your ex though op. This is a ridiculous attempt at control. I would get solicitor's letters but again, learnt to ignore if they were not court related. They are paid to write what he wants op within reason and they cannot insist you do anything at all. Only court can do that.