SIL's miscarriage/my new baby

[ncnewbaby]

DH and I recently had our second baby last week.

DB and SIL were 6 weeks pregnant with their third when she got very ill with Covid and was in hospital, and lost the baby. They announced the pregnancy when she was in hospital.

When my family came to visit the baby for the first time on Monday, they were not smiling, not even when they held the baby. Making no conversation, sitting silently, sad faces. My mum took a call from DB and SIL in the middle of the living room and was literally pacing in the middle of the room talking to them.

Every time I've talked to my own family they keep giving updates about SIL and honestly making me feel uncomfortable as if I have to feel guilty about our baby.
I texted and called them and they have congratulated us. AIBU to think my family is wrong to keep focusing on it in the context of our baby, although it's very sad what happened?

I feel evil even asking the question but I don't understand why that can't be a separate topic, and not brought up when we are welcoming our new baby. I have had losses as well and wouldn't want that to be the focus on the birth of another baby.

Yes they are out of order. But maybe if they were very frightened for SIL at the time it runs a bit deep?

I'm sure when your little one is a bit bigger and has their own personality people will stop making the connection.

That's a tough one. How long ago did your SIL lose the baby?

It's a shame your family can't separate the two. Sounds like they feel very conflicted about it.

Have you spoken with your parents about how it has made you feel? Perhaps they haven't realised they've done it

Ps congratulations on your baby. Not similar to your situation but I felt like no one apart from me was that bothered about dc2 or 3 but I bet you are 🥰

Is she still in hospital now? That changes the dynamic somewhat, however I'd still be sad the extended family can't be happy for you whilst being sad for SIL and BIL.

It’s a hard one but you only get to bring your baby home once ever so you deserve to have your moment of everyone celebrating such a happy occasion. As you say it is a completely different topic and what has happened to them is very sad. It should be taken in the exact same way it would if an adult had died though, yes everyone would be devastated but would take some light in meeting your little one. We had a similar situation in that our best friends as a couple lost their baby while I was pregnant. I didn’t post pregnant pictures on Facebook or anything and didn’t ever refer to it around them. When he was born I used to meet her when I was out with the pram and felt like I was almost dismissing my own baby and pretending he didn’t exist just because it was so awkward. Thankfully now they are having a baby and things are going really well. I do feel like I kind of had to shut down a whole part of my experience though out of fear of hurting someone else. Its shit for all parties but hopefully they will eventually get to do what you are doing now so it shouldn’t take away from your joy

Back away and leave them to it. Don't let anyone cast a shadow over your great news!
Congratulations!

I'm not sure.. is she still in hospital? It sounds very traumatic tbh. I'm sure they are happy for you but it's also hard at the same time for everyone? Is she still in hospital or very unwell?

I'm sure it was traumatic in hospital if I'm honest, what with oxygen and whatever treatment she needed for the Covid and then having the miscarriage on top of that, she would have been alone and on a Covid ward.

Awful.

Congratulations on your baby but her loss doesn't diminish your joy.

are you certain she was only 6 weeks pregnant?

How long ago was your SIL in hospital? Is she still there?

Sorry I meant your joy doesn't diminish her loss.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
It is a terrible thing they're going through but it's a real shame the rest of your family couldn't share your happiness. Hopefully when the dust settles it'll be easier for them all to be happy for you

That's awful of them. If they can't be happy for your baby I'd honestly not see them. You're just postpartum and fragile
too. This isn't what you need.

When my family came to visit the baby for the first time on Monday, they were not smiling, not even when they held the baby. Making no conversation, sitting silently, sad faces. My mum took a call from DB and SIL in the middle of the living room and was literally pacing in the middle of the room talking to them.

I'd have told them to leave and fuck off round to db/sil's.

Perhaps your parents feel guilty for feeling any happiness towards your baby as there has been such a traumatic event in the family. (Although they shouldn’t. Nobody should feel guilty). That would be my only guess.

It must be hard for them, but I definitely wouldn’t take it too much to heart. Just an awful situation unfortunately. But I am sure your baby is very much loved by all your family.

If you ever feel uncomfortable- remove yourself from the situation. Make an excuse that you have to go into another room to do something, or explain you need to head out. You don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable in your own home - but it’d be better to tread carefully at the moment. Emotions will be high for all involved.

Thanks, she is home from hospital now but yes it was very recent.

I really appreciate all the replies.

Of course I feel AWFUL for what happened so I was hating myself for even feeling this way but I actually cried after they left on Monday because of how they acted.

DB and SIL not being that way btw, sent a nice message after I checked in to make sure they were ok.

No smiles and coos when they held the new baby? YADNBU that’s actually really wierd.

Prior to all this were you parents excited for new grandchild? Do they generally treat you and DB equally or is he a bit of a golden child?

They could be happy for you and feel sad for your brother. Maybe take a bit of a step back for the time being and concentrate on your new family (and in laws if they are around).

Considering you said it was very recent, I'd imagine they were still worrying about sil.

Oh I'm sorry. That's really difficult. I hope they manage to disentangle their emotions so they can enjoy your baby and support your brother and his wife.

Congratulations on your baby

I’ve had for losses, the last one being literally just now. I have no other children yet. I would never even dream of projecting my sadness onto others. I am genuinely pleased for people having healthy babies. Just because I’ve had a loss doesn’t mean I begrudge others.

Your family are being extremely unreasonable, I’m sorry they made you feel that way. I would also have been upset had I been in your position.

Congratulations on your baby. Focus on yourselves and leave your grieving relatives to grieve in their own space/time. Share your happy moments with those genuinely happy for you.

I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks in March. My DB and SIL welcomed their first child, my parents first grandchild this month. I made it through the baby shower but I was terrified about how I would react to the birth. I know my family were too. I could literally feel everyone breath a sign of relief and their bodies unclench after my first meeting of the baby. I adore them. And it took until that meeting for my family to share photos etc and express their joy. You might find that when your PIL see that your DB and SIL are happy for you that they'll let themselves relax too. Congratulations on your bundle of joy x

My best friend had a baby weeks after my miscarriage. We'd starting trying at the same time. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to hold her baby without crying. Obviously I was happy for her but I was also still incredibly emotionally raw. I am not bringing my pain up with her because I don't want to ruin this for her but I do feel a little like my feelings are worth less. I'm finding it very hard getting baby photos all the time.

I'm sorry you felt so overshadowed, that wasn't fair but I do think it's just a hard situation all round. I hope everyone will feel more settled soon and be able to have some really joyful times with your new baby.

It's normal for your feelings to be all over the place too so don't be harsh on yourself. I would give it time, maybe give your parents some space if they can't be happy at the moment. I expect theu are having extremely weirdly mixed emotions. You just focus on enjoying your baby xxx

A big hug. Could it be how they feel about the pandemic and socialising? Were the windows open? Maybe they don’t want to make the baby ill. Maybe they are worried because you have been in hospital.

I think keep things low key but invite people again in August. Hopefully everyone would have had a chance to work though what ever it is and give a better response.

@ZoeQ90 see I think your friend is an idiot not realising that someone who has just had a miscarriage wouldn't want to see their baby photos constantly. I'd either tell her it's too much but you love her and her child but it's too raw or put her on mute. It's lovely she's had a child but she's just bulldozing all over your feelings and friendship. Some women lose sight of anyones feelings after they've had a baby but they are so valid.

Sending you strength