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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL's miscarriage/my new baby

55 replies

ncnewbaby · 15/06/2022 21:06

DH and I recently had our second baby last week.

DB and SIL were 6 weeks pregnant with their third when she got very ill with Covid and was in hospital, and lost the baby. They announced the pregnancy when she was in hospital.

When my family came to visit the baby for the first time on Monday, they were not smiling, not even when they held the baby. Making no conversation, sitting silently, sad faces. My mum took a call from DB and SIL in the middle of the living room and was literally pacing in the middle of the room talking to them.

Every time I've talked to my own family they keep giving updates about SIL and honestly making me feel uncomfortable as if I have to feel guilty about our baby.
I texted and called them and they have congratulated us. AIBU to think my family is wrong to keep focusing on it in the context of our baby, although it's very sad what happened?

I feel evil even asking the question but I don't understand why that can't be a separate topic, and not brought up when we are welcoming our new baby. I have had losses as well and wouldn't want that to be the focus on the birth of another baby.

OP posts:
Brieandcamembert · 16/06/2022 06:34

I have been the SIL in this situation. I was made to feel like I was selfish for grieving. You got your baby no one needs to make it more enjoyable for you as there is nothing better.

Her pain is extraordinary. When SIL isn't in the room it doesn't need mentioning and all the focus can be on your baby. However, when she is there themes baby excitement needs to be minimised.

Brieandcamembert · 16/06/2022 06:35

Just to say as well. I think she's amazing for even coming and meeting the baby.

picklemewalnuts · 16/06/2022 06:40

Thing is, they've gained a grandchild and lost a grandchild in the same month. It will be hard to separate that out.

You've gained a child and lost a nice/nephew so it's a different balance of grief and celebration.

Congratulations, look after yourself and let yourself properly recover. Things will change as your baby grows.

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 16/06/2022 06:56

@Brieandcamembert I don't think she did. From the op 'my mum took a call from db and sil and was pacing up and down the room' I think her parents came not her DB and SiL but they've called OP and wished her congratulations. It's OPs parents who have been a bit off not the ones experiencing the loss

That's my interpretation of it anyway

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 16/06/2022 06:57

@Brieandcamembert she didn't come. It was my parents plus aunt and grandma. I'm sorry for your loss and I know how you feel I've had losses as well. There have been times I have privately been devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncnewbaby · 16/06/2022 06:59

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a lot better this morning and the messages validating how I felt have honestly helped so much. I recognise we are hugely lucky and are hurting for my brother and SIL. I think it's just an emotional time especially when family is coming to meet the baby for the first time xx

OP posts:
Glitternails1 · 16/06/2022 07:03

Your family are out of order. Yes it’s sad that SIL has miscarried, but many women don’t even know they’re pregnant at 6 weeks! Isn’t this the point where you’re expecting your period? I would ignore all family members (apart from your brother) whenever they ring or text you for a while.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/06/2022 07:07

Brieandcamembert · 16/06/2022 06:34

I have been the SIL in this situation. I was made to feel like I was selfish for grieving. You got your baby no one needs to make it more enjoyable for you as there is nothing better.

Her pain is extraordinary. When SIL isn't in the room it doesn't need mentioning and all the focus can be on your baby. However, when she is there themes baby excitement needs to be minimised.

But she wasn't there. That's the point.

Of course OP deserves to share her excitement & joy at her new baby with her family.

Her family are behaving dreadfully.

Babyghirl · 16/06/2022 07:13

@Kroot
Don't want to snap the thread at all, but read your reply, I have had 4 miscarriages trying for number one please don't give up. I'm now pregnant 12 weeks on progesterone have you been giving it yet I have never had a good scan eg hb or growth but with this one 4 great scans great growth I'm know I have a long way to go and not out of the woods yet but I'm taking every day as it comes.

I'm on a great thread ttc after s miscarriage if you want me to tag u in it great support.

SparkyBlue · 16/06/2022 07:26

Congratulations on your baby OP. I could understand the reaction if your sil was still seriously ill in hospital but if she is home and recovering then they seem to be total drama lamas. And yes I've had a miscarriage so I understand the pain and trauma but six weeks is very early there is no excuse for your in-laws behaviour.

DangerouslyBored · 16/06/2022 07:45

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 16/06/2022 06:20

@ZoeQ90 see I think your friend is an idiot not realising that someone who has just had a miscarriage wouldn't want to see their baby photos constantly. I'd either tell her it's too much but you love her and her child but it's too raw or put her on mute. It's lovely she's had a child but she's just bulldozing all over your feelings and friendship. Some women lose sight of anyones feelings after they've had a baby but they are so valid.

Sending you strength

All of this. How insensitive of the ‘friend’.

Meraas · 16/06/2022 07:49

YANBU, I would not arrange another visit with DM et al until things have settled down, as they seem to be making SIL’s miscarriage about them.

Concentrate on your baby and keep being there for SIL.

Congratulations Flowers

DangerouslyBored · 16/06/2022 07:49

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 15/06/2022 21:24

are you certain she was only 6 weeks pregnant?

Yes, I wondered this too.

Galvanisa · 16/06/2022 07:58

You get your lovely baby. That’s your joy.

I have lost babies at ‘only 6 weeks’. Much wanted pregnancies that were TTC for, dreamed of. The ‘only 6 week’ pregnancy still led to severe intervention of my body, diagnostic scans to check the pregnancy tissue had all gone, weeks of bleeding and constant misery for me. I certainly wasn’t able to old anyone’s babies, even silently without cooing afterwards. Not until I was heavily pregnant and felt safe did I feel well again.

if this is all recent- she is doing spectacularly well. My parents were equally traumatised for me. She’s their baby. You don’t know how much she tried for this pregnancy, and PIL may know more than you do.

I would enjoy your lovely little one and just accept for now that your OH’s parents are unable to give you the external excitement you need and distance yourself for a while. It’s a shame, but it’s all a shame really.

MichelleScarn · 16/06/2022 08:07

When SIL isn't in the room it doesn't need mentioning and all the focus can be on your baby. However, when she is there themes baby excitement needs to be minimised.

What do you mean by 'minimised? Reduced attention to the baby? Not asking about them in sil presence? not seeming happy as the DPs have been doing around the baby?

Clymene · 16/06/2022 08:11

Galvanisa · 16/06/2022 07:58

You get your lovely baby. That’s your joy.

I have lost babies at ‘only 6 weeks’. Much wanted pregnancies that were TTC for, dreamed of. The ‘only 6 week’ pregnancy still led to severe intervention of my body, diagnostic scans to check the pregnancy tissue had all gone, weeks of bleeding and constant misery for me. I certainly wasn’t able to old anyone’s babies, even silently without cooing afterwards. Not until I was heavily pregnant and felt safe did I feel well again.

if this is all recent- she is doing spectacularly well. My parents were equally traumatised for me. She’s their baby. You don’t know how much she tried for this pregnancy, and PIL may know more than you do.

I would enjoy your lovely little one and just accept for now that your OH’s parents are unable to give you the external excitement you need and distance yourself for a while. It’s a shame, but it’s all a shame really.

It's the OP's brother's wife who had an early miscarriage, so she isn't her parents' baby.

ElephantsFart · 16/06/2022 08:15

I feel for you all, it’s sounds as though people are struggling to process their feelings - all I can say is that the situation will ease with time. Enjoy your baby.

KitKattaktik · 16/06/2022 08:16

@Galvanisa

just accept for now that your OH’s parents are unable to give you the external excitement you need

Did you read the OP?

It's her DB and his wife (@ncnewbaby's SIL) and it was @ncnewbaby's parents who were acting oddly. @ncnewbaby's brother and his wife are ok about @ncnewbaby's new arrival. Some people are just grief thieves.

Congratulations @ncnewbaby on your new arrival.

fghj149 · 16/06/2022 08:17

YANBU. I was in the exact same position as her. SIL has to separate it from what has happened to them. It sounds like you are being kind and sensitive about it

DarkShade · 16/06/2022 08:20

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Just to add to what everyone is saying your feelings are completely valid, of course you want your baby's birth and meeting family to be about them! Your hormones are probably flooding you right now too. As other people have said, they are probably traumatised. They probably really worried about your SIL and DB. I would give them a week. If it carried on have a word in private with whichever parent you feel more comfortable with (or both it both) just explaining how you feel.

Galvanisa · 16/06/2022 08:22

Clymene · 16/06/2022 08:11

It's the OP's brother's wife who had an early miscarriage, so she isn't her parents' baby.

Show quote history

My mistake. But still changes very little about what I have said.

SilverPeacock · 16/06/2022 08:30

I was SIL in this scenario . I would not have expected or wanted anyone to be less happy about the birth of the new DN. I was happy for them. I was incredibly sad for myself, but I can separate the two things. I understand that other people may find that more difficult.

Jumperoo56370000 · 16/06/2022 08:36

YANBU. I think anyone would feel upset in your shoes.

Tadaaaaaaaaa · 16/06/2022 08:41

Sounds like SIL is probably finding it hard to deal with you having a new baby but isn't saying that to you, but her parents are dealing with her emotions and find it less easy to hide it. Pregnancy loss is a complicated thing and people react differently. I know I couldn't bear to see photos of any of my friends new babies or to even hear about them after I lost mine, I wasn't happy for them at the time if I'm completely honest. I am now, but it took a while. It's crap but everyone is human and will deal with things in a human way. Sorry you are having to deal with this at such a lovely time for you and congratulations on your new baby

Cocowatermelon · 16/06/2022 08:43

You’re unreasonable to set up an AIBU vote about this but not unreasonable to be upset.
People can’t always control or hide their emotions and right now your parents have one very happy and one very sad event to deal with simultaneously. It will get better with time. This won’t be a feature of your new baby’s life forever, so don’t worry about that. Your baby will grow into a little person with shared family history and the sadness of SIL losing a pregnancy and cousin-to-be around the time of his/her birth will become a very small part of your baby’s story.
Cut your parents some slack and don’t bring this up with them. Invite friends or DHs family over to see the baby and enjoy the undiluted cooing :) It’s fine you want to show off your new baby so find people who are able to enjoy that with you now. Your parents will catch up soon.

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