Mother of the bride/groom-Zillas

[imperialminty]

I'm planning a wedding, and I'm on a lot of bride groups on facebook and read a lot of wedding-related things online, and I've noticed a massive trend that in people having mothers (their own or their partner's) turn into complete narcissists during wedding planning. We've had a few issues with our own being demanding, but I mostly wanted to know if anyone here has BEEN a Mother of the Bride/Groom who has been demanding about your child's wedding?

E.g - my Mum completely put her foot down when we discussed getting married just the two of us. She said it would break her heart etc., and she'd never get over it and would write me out of her will!!! We've had a couple of similar amateur dramatics from both Mum's over very minor things, so it's not just big stuff. That's a common theme in the groups. I'm fascinated by this complete 180 some people (and it is almost always Mum's) seem to do when their children get engaged. In my opinion, if you're not contributing a significant amount of money to the wedding, you don't get an opinion. If you're asked - sure! But even then the couple don't have to take your advice.

So - why? Have you ever behaved like this about a wedding? What was the thought process? (Or what do you think if it happened to you!)

My then-partner had a mother who was very much a down to Earth, no-nonsense type. Never one for fuss or drama. Well, not until her daughter got married, that is.

The wedding was an away fixture so we were staying in a hotel. On the day of the wedding, she took to her bed Mrs Bennet style, while everyone - including the bride - danced attendance and rushed around. Would she like a sandwich? A nap? A stiff drink? A cup of tea?

Once she was up and ready, everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - was a drama. People actually running around a hotel ministering to the latest drama about flowers dripping/loose threads on clothes/not being able to find tissues to go in a handbag and so on. I’ve never seen anything like it and I can only assume the pressure of the day got to her.

I've never watch the dress program (my mind has gone blank on the name!) but I did read an interesting behind the scenes article. They are told they have to bring an entourage- I'll try to find the article.

I’ve never been married but my brothers did

brother no1

jesus Christ-as soon as they’d set the date,she started

(well even before they set the date-my brother had taken his mate to chose the ring-she kicked off-the ring was shit if you listened to her,he popped the question in a restaurant-she kicked off because she didn’t know what he had planned,wanted to be sat at the table with them and the restaurant was ‘tacky’ it wasn’t and she wasn’t the first to know-her family was)

she only paid for the evening do (well the rent of the room-nothing else) but she had to have a say in everything from the colours to the food

and if nobody danced to her tune,she’d start swearing and kicking off until she got her own way-and if that didn’t work,the tears would start and my dad would be dragged into it to try and make the peace-if that failed then my aunts would try-then my cousins

the brides friends where not to be bridesmaids,the grooms friends that she’d watched grow up where ‘common’ and not to be invited,she didn’t like the wine,hated the food,disliked the venue,didn’t like the idea of a dj,hated the music ‘why can’t you play Daniel O’Donnell?I like Daniel O’Donnell’,went mental at their choice of a photographer,kicked off cos the bride wanted her mum to help choose a dress and my mother wasn’t welcome ‘I have rights!’ ,the grooms suit wasn’t right,the wedding rings where shit,the vows where not right,the unusual cake was ‘tacky’ and ‘looked shit’,they couple didn’t tell her her outfit was the most special outfit in the history of womens clothes,they where not ‘allowed’ to have hen/stag dos,she wanted full say on the guest list-im talking people that none of us had a clue who they where,flowers where not to her taste-it just went on and on

she sulked the whole day as none of the attention was on her,she told the bride that her dress was shit (just after the vows so the bride burst into tears and looked awful in the photos) and flounced on the evening do as the groom was tipsy (after sitting with her sisters in the corner for the first hour,ignoring everyone)

it kicked off again when they had a baby-she wanted to chose the nursery,the pram,clothes,blankets,how the mum to be should give birth,how baby should be fed-it went on and on

Brother no 2

well he married someone as narcissistic as her

it was amusing watching them-mother would try and take over even more than she had with brother no1,the bride wouldn’t let her,brother was trying to keep them both happy and failing badly at every point and it was a battle of wills for months-I lost count of how many times they locked horns

they did end up married (god knows how) and mother sat and sulked the whole day-she refused to speak to anyone and stomped out early as nobody made her feel ‘special’

She missed their evening do to go home and sulk-again she’d only paid for the renting of the room for the evening

I can’t wait to hear if my other brother gets married-he’s the most strong willed,selfish narcissistic prat ever-the fireworks will be heard the world over

Both amused me no end-my kids have been told that the first sight of me trying to take over is the day they cut me out of the day-and out of their lives

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

Your post has every single thing I wanted to say! Put a lot better then I could have ever put it.

I mostly wanted to know if anyone here has BEEN a Mother of the Bride/Groom who has been demanding about your child's wedding?

Well I read the OP at least!

I've been a MOB, and all the decisions were made by the bride and groom. It wasn't my wedding, and apart from me paying for the dress, they were finding it themselves, so I had no right. Also I thought their plans were lovely anyway.

Close to the day though, I was worried that guests who'd travelled a long way for the late lunchtime ceremony (in a rural location) would be starving by the time the wedding breakfast was served at nearly 4. The bride and groom didn't see the problem, so I offered to pay for the hotel to provide canapes with the drinks the guests would be served while photos were taken etc.
I was worried I'd be seen as interfering, but if the B&G thought so, they never showed it, and were just appreciative of me paying for something that had been out of their budget.

My MIL went batshit over our wedding and my relationship with her never recovered.

They didn’t contribute much so they had no control thank god but among other things she:

1. whined about us having a sit down because she wanted a buffet to accommodate FIL and all his obsessive behaviour about food. No.

2. Bought a white outfit for herself. No.
   Insisted on paying for the wedding cars to bring the groomsmen and her/FIL to the venue. Fine except that equally batshit UKIP FIL then demanded the cars be “British” which meant in the days when hardly anyone had a website and all the cars seemed to be Mercs, it took me fucking ages to book them. Should have made DH do it - his monkeys, etc.

3. Because I was getting ready at the wedding venue, our “posh” vintage car was arriving at the end of the reception to whisk us off to a different hotel. They insisted on paying for that but - get this - wanted to turn up to the venue in it (in her white outfit…). I said to DH it was not the fantasy wedding they never had and they could fuck off with that and we’d pay for our going away car ourselves. They then found out it would cost an extra 2 grand to have the car hanging about all day and we never heard any more about it.

4. She demanded I arrange transport for them from the central London venue back to her central London hotel. I said, “go out into the street and hold out your arm and hail a taxi.” She’d lived in London in the swinging 60s!

5. My parents surprised us with a big gift of cash for the wedding and my mother also made our cake. DH wouldn’t let me tell MIL how much my parents had contributed, and she spent months bitching about how my mother “only” made a cake (which cost more than the cars she’d paid for, let alone the rest).

6. She spent 6 months before the wedding saying “the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage”. Fuck. Off. Especially as she was constantly trying to turn it into a second wedding for herself. She looks as miserable as sin on all the pictures.

My DS is only 5 so I haven't been a MOG yet, but honestly I do think that often parents get a bad rep at weddings and it's not always fair.

The amount of MOBs and FOBs I had who were trying to help only to get shot down so rudely by very agitated brides and grooms.
And to be quite honest, as the wedding manager, I would often be agreeing with the parents but trying to get the Bride or Groom to 'have the same idea' if that makes sense.

That said, when I was getting married, MIL and DM kept expecting traditional aspects when we wanted a modern, relaxed wedding. I just stopped talking about the wedding with them after a while but then they would get all panicked and thinking I was having second thoughts etc.

Nice selective quoting there saraclara

The OP asked So - why? Have you ever behaved like this about a wedding? What was the thought process? (Or what do you think if it happened to you!) and most of us have answered the part in brackets, so we did read the OP too.

I’m having some of this too. I expected it from my “d”m but when it came from my MIL to be, it threw us completely. It’s taking away from my wedding planning no experience.

I’ve been consulting a coach about it who has really helped me overcome some of my feelings and gave me amazing advice to deal with different situations.
I think without her guidance I would have eloped by now with my partner. It seems quite common as she deals with brides full time.

she has talked a lot about boundaries and creating them before the wedding and sticking to them as what happens at the wedding we’ll set precedent to the rest of our lives(children etc) which all makes sense to me.

we cannot please everyone, so we are just pleasing ourselves now.

Glad to see I’m not alone with the crazy MILs!! We’ve also had tears / tantrums / silent treatment / financial contributions being withheld because she’s not 100% got her way across all aspects of the wedding.

Honestly at this stage, I’ll be extremely relieved when the day is over 😂

My MIL took my flower girls dress back to the shop and picked a different one. (She said she had room to store dresses, thought she was being kind) I told her I was upset, she cried to my FIL and apparently I was the horrible one for making her cry?

Oh yes my PIL said they would buy the wedding stationary up to £200 I spend about £145 I’ve still not received the money and it’s our 10th wedding anniversary soon.

When mine ( both sexes ) got married, I kept well out of it. I asked no questions except for when and where.
I think they must have seen my eyes glaze over if it was mentioned, so they never really spoke about it.

No, I actually think they get away with it far too much, and usually the bride is lumped with the "bridezilla" name.

My MIL behaved horrendously. So selfish, and narcissistic was she, that both my husband and I had to see a therapist after the wedding to come to terms with how badly we had been treated. If we hadn't, we'd have had no option but to cut her from our lives completely. Something I was very tempted to do. Instead, we've now been able to place healthy boundaries and keep her at arms length. Obviously this annoys her immensely but it wouldn't ever enter her mind that this is due to her behaviour. As she once told us after she'd upset us "i don't care, I'm always right and that's that".

I will never ever understand how selfish some people can be. I look at my own children and can't imagine putting my selfish demands ahead of what they want. I just want them to be happy. Unfortunately not all parents think like that!

My MIL offered to buy the flowers. We asked for white or pink roses.

She bought fucking carnations that were dyed orange. They were horrible. I had trouble keeping a straight face when I had to thank her for them. DH and I laughed and laughed once she left the room.

From talking to my mum and mother-in-law, it sounds like that in their generation (I guess you'd say baby boomers), their wedding was pretty much completely controlled by their parents. Their parents set the guest list, chose the venue, etc. So I guess some mothers think this is their turn to plan a wedding, as they didn't really plan their own? Thankfully ours weren't like that, but I can see why some might.

Seriously, as parents of the bride and groom, our role is to offer to PAY for stuff, not choose it! I offered to pay for a range of things, and of those my DD chose that I pay for the dress. I gave her a budget, but me deciding which dress she had would have been insane! Same if I'd been paying for the flowers or the meal or anything else. They choose, we pay (within our budget).

It was lovely to be involved in the dress trying on and the venue visits etc. But I saw it as a privilege and not a right.

My parents paid a lot to the wedding and I know it meant a lot to them to help organise the thing, but God, my mum spoiled my blood multiple times. I let her take care of things that didn't matter to me this much, but still... I'm glad that you only get married once (in theory).

Yep. That was how it was when I got married. The invitations came from the parents (with their names printed on). That was normal. I was only minimally involved with the choice of location and meal, but also didn't pay a penny towards it. Of course they asked for the details of friends that we wanted to invite, but that was it.

I bought and chose my own dress, but that's because my SIL and I were walking down a street one day and saw a dress in the window of Laura Ashley. We went in, I tried it on, it was nice so I got it. My mum was really upset that she hadn't had the 'shopping for a dress' experience with me. I was relieved not to have to.
But 40 years later, when I was having a lovely time at my own DD's fittings, I looked back and felt bad.

My FIL and his partner (who he had an affair with and left my MIL for) were absolute nightmares.

They refused to stay in the same hotel as her and demanded the OW be sat on the top table otherwise they wouldn’t attend the wedding.

They made a huge fuss about not being anywhere near MIL all day - she made no fuss whatsoever bless her heart.

They really upset me and stressed me out in the run up to my wedding but I did get my revenge in a sly way… I sat them right on the end of the pew at the ceremony where they could barely see anything and excluded them from the group family photo … “But I thought you didn’t want to be anywhere near MIL?!” 😝

I think there's a lot of that, plus weddings were a lot more low key in those days. Small ceremony, mostly family in attendance, small reception (if one at all) - at least that's how most weddings in my family seemed to go from the 70s and further back.

Much as it's gone too far the other way sometimes - what with the hashtags, massive bills and everything being Instagram-ready - there must be an element for some of wishing that they'd been able to have a bigger day or at least one they'd planned themselves. I think the same goes for (grand)children as well, hence why some parents turn into nightmares when their children have grandchildren.

My mother decided the night before my wedding was the right time to tell me the 'family secrets' which included serious abuse, incest and other things. Apparently if I was old enough to be getting married (34) i was old enough to know the truth about her side of the family.

My interpretation of this now is that she has always resented me for unspecified reasons and subconsciously she wanted to ruin my happiness for me.

The day was very hard to get through. I'll never forgive her for her timing to be honest about it. There was simply no need for it and it was very deliberate.

 @Marscapone for you. That's brutal. I hope you've been able to work through your feelings with regard to your family since.

A close friend decided to have a wedding abroad for a few reasons, second time around for soon to be DH and fact her DM had been a drama lama for her dsis’ wedding. She didn’t succeed…her parents came alone to a very couples focused wedding destination and were gooseberries for entire stay. DM was completely unaware she had gatecrashed and obviously friend’s DH had family who ended left out cos of the expense. And prior to that DM invited relatives (one had sense to decline) and put huge pressure on friend’s sibling to fly out family, take kids out of school to attend. All very embarrassing….fortunately friend picked a great DH as he just went with the flow…..no idea how I would have managed to stay calm.

My MIL had a tantrum at our wedding rehearsal because we weren't doing the wedding the way she wanted. My husband told her off and she stormed off in the huff. FIL came to us and said we should apologise. Husband was having none of it and said she needed to apologise. She also ruined the morning when he was getting ready. Booked me a taxi instead of the wedding car.