To disagree with the statement "the other woman owes you nothing"

[Sarahcoggles]

I see this time and again on MN.
Woman posts that husband is having an affair. She hates the OW and is very angry with her, as well as being angry with husband of course.
Then a load of posters pile in saying she should direct all her anger at husband, as he was the only one who owed her anything. The OW owed her nothing, so she shouldn't be angry with her.

I think that's wrong. We all owe our fellow human beings respect and courtesy. If I bump someone's car in a car park I should leave them a note. I don't owe them anything, I never promised I wouldn't bump into their car, they didn't put their trust in me not to bump into their car , I never promised to pay for any damage that I might do to their car. They don't even know me. But it's still my fault, my carelessness, and common courtesy dictates that I should leave a note and be held accountable.

Why is it perfectly fine to have a relationship with someone else's husband, knowing that you're going to hurt that person, just because they're a stranger and you never promised you wouldn't shag their husband?

Personally I think both parties are equally to blame, just in different ways.

I'm answering in perfectly good faith. It's a pity that you're incapable of questioning your thought process and prefer to think that anyone in disagreement with it is just a Bad Person.

You can't guilt trip me with any number of "cunts" and "horribles" and "better for the world to ends". I'm not an OW, never have been and don't approve of it.

I'm just someone who trusts her husband completely and isn't reliant on the goodwill of all other women to maintain it. If that trust should ever prove to be misplaced, I will hold him entirely accountable because he's the one who held it. He alone made a promise. He alone can break it. Other women having sex isn't a problem. My husband having sex with other women would be the problem.

I agree with this.

If my dh was too weak to resist the lure of other women he wouldn’t be my dh. I may not approve of the conduct of other women in this situation (although I’m not sure that women ‘throwing themselves’ at poor defenceless men is as common as they would have you believe) but my dh is the only one who has any obligation to treat me well. If he was to cheat then while I would be very hurt, the theoretical ow would actually have done me a favour. She’d have shown me that dh isn’t the man I thought he was and if that is the case I’m better off without him.

I'm disgusted but not shocked to read people think woman often go around luring married men.... FFS.

What exactly does luring consist of? These grown arse married cheating men are enabled by their wives holding silly views such as these. It's embarrassing.

This. A husband that’s only faithful because he’s lacking in other options isn’t a husband worth having.

Last time I checked I married a grown man, not a child that’s reliant on other people keeping him in line.

It's not about whether or not the husband is 'worth having'. Obviously no one should stay in a relationship or marriage with a cheater. If my partner cheated on me, I would blame them, not the other person.

But there is a separate question about whether or not the third party (male or female) should also try not to be someone who needlessly causes pain to other human beings. I personally think it's a really shitty thing to do and I wouldn't do it, nor would I want to be friends with someone who did.

If my partner cheated on me, I would blame them, not the other person.

So what are you arguing about? Nobody on here has said shagging married men is a good thing.

"pity that you're incapable of questioning your thought process and prefer to think that anyone in disagreement with it is just a Bad Person.

You can't guilt trip me with any number of "cunts" and "horribles" and "better for the world to ends". I'm not an OW, never have been and don't approve of it.

I'm just someone who trusts her husband completely and isn't reliant on the goodwill of all other women to maintain it. If that trust should ever prove to be misplaced, I will hold him entirely accountable because he's the one who held it. He alone made a promise. He alone can break it. Other women having sex isn't a problem. My husband having sex with other women would be the problem."

I totally agree.

It's funny how you turned it into an insult (and I'm sure your 'good for you' was dripping with sarcasm) - as though there is something lacking with people who don't agree with you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to - the post I was responding to implied that people with the an opinion contrary to the OP wouldn't sit down with the OW. I was merely pointing out that I do. It was a statement of fact.

@Allthecheeseplease you wouldn't have sat down with her while she was doing it, would you? That's really the point. Not that you have to hold a grudge for the next 1000 years - but if this whole 'it's her right, she owes me nothing' stuff was true in real life, you'd happily just sit down and let her shag him.

Except you wouldn't. I bet you went through stages of upset and jealousy first, before you got to that point.

Anyway, I don't think anyone is exempt from heating or being cheated on, there's a possibility for us all to be in that situation. But just hold your hands up and say 'yeah it was a crap thing to doI' instead of saying 'I don't owe anyone anything'. That's just stupid, we could all go around being nasty to each other but nobody would want that.

@Allthecheeseplease I didn’t find your comment insulting but it was dripping in self righteousness…

I totally agree, OP.

I think knowingly sleeping with someone who is attached is a vile, cunty thing to do and I 100% judge women who do it.

They are making an active decision to contribute to another woman's life being ruined. I was cheated on in my first long term relationship and was devastated, and it's affected me for the rest of my life.

Ultimately, a woman who is happy to do this is displaying numerous shitty traits - selfishness, lack of empathy, poor judgement, dishonesty, lack of care for other woman/'sisterhood' ....who would ever want a woman like that as a friend? I definitely fucking wouldn't. A woman I had become friendly with a couple of years ago confessed over drinks that she'd been seeing her now partner on the sly for months while he was still married, talked about their rendezvous as if they were some fun, exciting thing, while his poor wife was at home with the kids. It turned my stomach. Not only that she'd done it, but that she showed absolutely no remorse. It wasn't a 'I did this terrible thing and I'm really ashamed' vibe, she was practically boasting about it and laughing about it as if it were hilarious.

I finished my drink in silence, paid my share of the tab, and told her not to bother texting or meeting up again because I don't want people like her in my life. She sent me a pathetic text wittering on about how she couldn't help who she had fallen in love with and I blocked her. Fucking arsehole.

Of course some do, Wayne Rooney is tappped because he’s a multi millionaire footballer. Colleen stays because she knows” the before”. ( and is the only one that does).
Other women aren’t to blame for relationship fuck ups. They are to blame for getting involved with people in a relationship already

@lightisnotwhite in that scenario if you hold wealth and a high status man or woman you are like a magnet. Wayne knows this also... so I don't believe the women exactly have to "lure" HIM personally I think the term lure is madness but I think WAYNE is the lurer!

Your example isn't great these women want money/fame... that's a different matter! There's also a big difference between a ONS and a full blown affair come on.

Wayne always gets caught or maybe he's not bothered but surely you would of thought HE could of spared a thought for poor Coleen... they are in the public eye not OW.

It's Colleen that is talk of the town not OW!

My point was that being an OW is part of the attraction in itself for many of these women. I mean how special does it make you that he’s choosing you over the woman he married right?
I agree a ONS is different. But carrying on an affair as a woman is fucked up.

@lightisnotwhite I don't think it's part of the attraction because in most cases the OW is likely not to know DH is married in the first place.

As an adult each of us are accountable for our actions who ever is married clearly is very accountable!

This ridiculous nonsense about being lured are you 5 years old. Nobody lures anybody to get their privates out and enter someone else FFS.

Look at dating generally women wait for the man to give them the green light. Men are the pursuers and men know what they want. It's normally the woman waiting on the man if he wants to be with her... dating wise that is.

But sometimes it really isn’t like that.

With me I managed to completely block the wife out of the picture, it truly was like she didn’t exist. Not once did I ever think “he chose me over his wife” because my compartmentalising meant that the wife wasn’t real. I never once thought of him as a “married man” and instead I just saw him as the guy I was seeing, in the exact same way I had viewed all my previous boyfriends. My family knew him, my friends knew him, it wasn’t something hidden away (none of them knew he was married) and it really was like we were just in a ‘normal’ relationship.

I imagine that for a lot of women who feel the “look how special I am because he’s choosing me over his wife” soon end up feeling pretty shit about themselves when they realise the man has no intention of leaving his wife. I’m not defending anything, but I can’t imagine the thrill and the “I’m so flattered/amazing because a married man wants to be with me” feelings last long in those scenarios.

I agree op. Both parties are a disgrace. At least finish one relationship before you embark on another.

I'm sure there are some women who get off on the MM "choosing" them. It seems not uncommon for them to be ex wives whose own former husbands cheated. I've known a couple.

In most cases, I don't think it's anything so vindictive. Just more rubbish denying female sexual desire. Anything other than the fact she has sexual desires and he fulfils them. He shouldn't, of course, but there remains this blind spot as to why they exist. She must be doing it out of vindictiveness! Stupidity! Delusion! Anything apart from the same reason he is: desire.

"if he's lying to you, he's lying about you."

I've accidentally ended up being the OW
I was relentlessly chased by a guy pretending he was single.
In fact I'd say up to 50% of the dickheads on pof are married.

Yes I split them up. But only because I told her what her scumbag hubby was up to.

You didn't split them up.

Good point
He did, I just gave her the info she requested

I'm not of the "always tell if you know or suspect an affair, even if you have no evidence and the people involved are almost strangers" school of thought. But in this case, it was indeed your business because he had involved you. So I think you had the right to make that choice.

I agree with this. Even in 2022, its the norm for men to make the move.
Typically there are two ways these things start. Either the man is a serial cheat in which case he chases other women just as he would if single, often lying about his marriage to OW.
Or, two people meet through work or a hobby and feel a strong connection, become friends, progress to an emotional affair and eventually make it physical.
Neither involves a predatory OW luring a man away just to spite his wife.
Obviously there are a few situations where women do chase married men, but its generally only where the man is rich, famous or powerful and will bring the woman benefit. I'm fairly sure that if ordinary old Dave from IT ends up having an affair he'll have put the work in to get it.

It really doesn't matter who initiated. It's still not a nice thing to engage in, how has this even gotten to nearly 500 posts. Take responsibility if you do something wrong. All these OWs- you can't be very well liked if you're just having sex with men with no conscience, who would want to be your friend? It's not socially accept and we all know this.

Man/partner is more responsible, cheating partner is also a bit of a twat, if it's a full blown affair. Others mentioned the difference between an affair and ONS and I think that's a fair point.

An affair partner definitely is behaving badly. A random hook up... wouldn't hold it against them too much, they probably didn't know.