To disagree with the statement "the other woman owes you nothing"

[Sarahcoggles]

I see this time and again on MN.
Woman posts that husband is having an affair. She hates the OW and is very angry with her, as well as being angry with husband of course.
Then a load of posters pile in saying she should direct all her anger at husband, as he was the only one who owed her anything. The OW owed her nothing, so she shouldn't be angry with her.

I think that's wrong. We all owe our fellow human beings respect and courtesy. If I bump someone's car in a car park I should leave them a note. I don't owe them anything, I never promised I wouldn't bump into their car, they didn't put their trust in me not to bump into their car , I never promised to pay for any damage that I might do to their car. They don't even know me. But it's still my fault, my carelessness, and common courtesy dictates that I should leave a note and be held accountable.

Why is it perfectly fine to have a relationship with someone else's husband, knowing that you're going to hurt that person, just because they're a stranger and you never promised you wouldn't shag their husband?

Personally I think both parties are equally to blame, just in different ways.

But what if the married men don't want to be bagged? What damage are these women doing to marriages then? 🤔

I'm glad you wrote this.OW probably doesn't know DH that well. Chances are DH didn't introduce himself as Hi I'm Tom from Surrey and I'm married fancy a sh*g? There's lack of comprehension here.

Men are pursuers a lot of the time. Never in my life have I approached a male for his number, I know there's home wreckers but that is not the case most of the time.

Men know what they want! "OW enabling his actions" FFS wake up!

This is why you will read I don't owe Wife any loyalities.

I'm sorry to be blunt but it's likely that DH is the enabler here!

The behaviour of both is not good but the OW or OM isn't going home and lying to anyone etc. When my ex cheated on me, I didn't care about the OW or women, it was him I cared about. I have been hit on a number of times whilst I've been in relationships, it is up to me to not cheat.

YOU are part of the problem here you sound delusion and not too nice yourself!

So on one hand you expect loyalties from a woman and you feel we should stick together simply because we both have a vagina.

But dare DH whip his dick out and all of a sudden OW was offering it on a plate..... poor DH its a hard life 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm not surprised some people cheat! I don't wish upon anybody but I can understand

It’s just sex for men. Mine ex was/is a disgusting sex pest. Absolutely still is. (Sometimes it’s just sex for women too). However, what about if the other woman head-pecks him so much and becomes a driver in the divorce process. Teams against u with a physically violent man to bully you, stalks you. They harass you, sitting outside your house goading you (EVERY single child contact). Decides she wants your house, instantly tries inserting herself as step mum (regardless of the backlash from the kids) absolute no emotional intelligence (or stupid or evil- probably both) decides he should fiddle child maintenance as low as possible, spends years taking the piss with a sweet smile. Brass neck like never seen before. Complicit in an abusive mans abuse of an ex wife AND THE CHILDREN. She’s as bad if not worse. Deserves everything she gets (Oh which was nothing by the way except more kids to add to the mess). Major fuck-up. Not sorry. Evil.

I don't think it matters if the OW is equally to blame, or not. My view is that if you are a woman, who knowingly gets involved with someone in a marriage (or other committed relationship), you are knowingly responsible for the pain that will cause. And for that, I'd describe you as trash.

Helping ex to scare and confuse and steal directly from your children. Fiddling MAXIMUM single persons benefits whilst living together, evading tax from ex’s self employment (well grandma does that) basically these women do not have a heart, evil criminals. They’re lying screwed up messes that should be dead

I don’t think it’s correct that you get the same things out of an affair as you do with a single man.
Hiw can you when it’s a dishonest fantasy relationship. Same as money made dishonestly. It might be spent the same way as well earned money but you know those things shouldn’t be yours and wouldn’t if you hadn’t cheated the system or other people ( I mean you might not care but it’s fair to say others will).

As the OW you have to share his time. You have to keep in secret, He’s got the power - you could tell the wife but then what, you get the booby prize or come away with nothing.

I also actually do think it’s entitled behaviour .I know two OW. Despite one being a friend I would say both are that way inclined in most aspects of their lives.

Doing bad things does not make you a bad person. It simply means you have done a bad act.

What a wild statement plenty of people claim as a single person but live together and so on. It's non of your business do you hold this opinion when Starbucks owe Thousands in taxes?? I bet you still shop in big chains like that though.

Having a professional job and title does not make you a wonderful of better person in any way it's a seperate matter all together.

We've even got as far as DEATH TO OW, when a man shits on his marriage and even his kids. Even when they're both fiddling their taxes together, she's the one who should die. Yes, fabulous upstanding morals there. Brilliant feminism too.

I truly, truly pity all of you who can't trust your husbands. To the point where you believe you've got a statistically better chance of keeping him by holding 50% of the human race responsible for him, rather than just trusting him.

What a way to live.

Meanwhile, he'll keep on shagging around because he isn't responsible for his commitments and the worst of the ire isn't directed at him. Smart.

If hurling all this misogynistic abuse at OW stopped affairs, there wouldn't be any.

However, what about if the other woman head-pecks him so much and becomes a driver in the divorce process.

Changes nothing. It's still his responsibility. It was his contract. She can't end it. Only you or he can.

I'm sorry you chose such a weak, wet and worthless man to marry and procreate with, but that's his character and that's why he's got no honour. That's why he chose to shit on you. She could have run at him naked, so what? He'll be true as long as he chooses to be. He chose not to be. You can't break a promise you didn't make.

No good shouting at her about your CHILDREN, why aren't you shouting at their own FATHER?

It’s fine to be angry with the other woman, of course it is, but the majority of the blame lies with the person who made a commitment to you. He has free choice and can choose to shag someone else or not. Plus in my experience these things are seldom simple, and often the husband lies through his teeth to get the ow into bed, it’s a rare woman where the husband says “look I love my wife, the sex is awesome, let’s shag” and she says yes let’s. It happens, but it’s seldom like that.

basically these women do not have a heart, evil criminals. They’re lying screwed up messes that should be dead

She couldn't have done any of that to you if your ex hadn't allowed her to.

Lots of OWs here.

Lots of OWs here.

Say what now 🙄

Pure logic dictates we conclude that the cheating man carries the responsibility with the OW guilty of the lesser faults of selfishness and/or naivity.
Unfortunately emotions run too high amongst women who've been cheated on to enable them to comment rationally. Add to this internalised misogyny and the unconscious belief in the superiority of men over women and you get the perfect conditions for hating the OW.
The most concerning thing is those that are conflating this with feminism, through a superficial understanding that this means merely 'sisterhood', without understanding the underlying issues and the damage their stance does to all women.

@Igotexcuses

No judgement here I was only wondering why you want to be in this situation like what do you get from it? Do you hope he will leave one day or is he just fun while you find the one for you?

@ReneBumsWombats

Totally agree.

It must be a really miserable way to live, accepting that the man you chose to marry and the man with whom you took vows of fidelity, didn’t really mean those vows, what he meant was “I’ll be faithful to you as long as I’m not tempted by anyone else”. It must be horrendous to think your fate is in the hands of many thousands of women over a lifelong marriage and that you’re utterly helpless to do anything about it, so instead you rant about these complete strangers owing you something, and their morals, you heap venom on them, even wish death upon them, all the while blithely absolving the one person who actually made a promise to you. It’s bizarre thinking. Why do these women stay in marriages if they can’t trust their husbands? What kind of a marriage is that? Yet, they accuse OW of having low self-esteem?!

Not me. I just reject the notion that I (and other people) am (are) responsible for ensuring someone else adheres to a promise they made. That’s on him, not me.

Not me. I just reject the notion that I (and other people) am (are) responsible for ensuring someone else adheres to a promise they made. That’s on him, not me.

I don't worry about that because I wouldn't get with anyone married. Unknowingly getting with a married man is a different story.

It's also a bit ridiculous to call the wife misogynistic. Insulting the OW... who cares? I'd be sick if my DH was shagging another woman, me calling her a bitch is not that deep, she is (hypothetically, not happened).

Also pretty misogynistic of the OW to insert herself thinking she's hot stuff, better than the boring shrivelled up long term partner, some kind of femme fatale but there you go.

Being an OW is neither my scene nor my style, but that neatly side-steps the fundamental point that a decent man, one worth having, is one who wouldn’t break the commitment he made, irrespective of what temptation is put his way. I’ve never been married but I have been in committed relationships and when in them, I was totally committed. George Clooney could have stood in front of me with a rock hard cock and I wouldn’t have shagged him. Because I had made a commitment to my then partner and I’m a decent person with integrity.

It's also a bit ridiculous to call the wife misogynistic. Insulting the OW... who cares? I'd be sick if my DH was shagging another woman, me calling her a bitch is not that deep, she is (hypothetically, not happened).

It IS misogynistic to say she's as much to blame as the husband (or even close). She didn't make any vows to the person in question, have children, be intimate. But as a society, we insist on making excuses for men who can't keep it on their pants and so we find someone else to blame.

She's not more to blame, I don't think OP thought that one through. If the woman is particularly vindictive, I think blame can be pretty high but not as a blanket rule.

The man isn't getting off free, but nobody's mentioning it because nobody is debating that fact.

It's not like the OW is some 'girl's girl' herself given her actions. If she catches a few stray insults, can't say I care.