To be dreading this and not know what to do?

[ChubbyButt]

I grew up in quite an athletic family, particularly my brother, who is now a personal trainer. He lives abroad. My family have taken issue with my weight for as long as I can remember.

My brother is older than I am so he moved abroad when I was 14. When I was 17 he came back for a summer. I'm 158cm and weighed 49kg then. He made me a "plan" to follow then and my mum drove me to the gym every day (rural area) to make sure I followed it. A few years ago, I had DS and, when he was about 4-5 months old, my brother came to stay again - I was 65kg then. We were all staying at my parent's house and, one morning when DH went downstairs to make tea, my brother and my sister "ambushed" him saying that we needed to discuss my weight and put a plan together going forward. DH politely told them it's being sorted (trying to avoid a conflict) but was fuming afterwards.

My weight is always brought up whenever my brother is there. My sister almost never brings it up without him and my mum literally never does unless he's there (my mum is bigger than I am). When my brother is around, I get constant comments about what I'm eating or why I'm not exercising or what I'm wearing - often I'll be served meals without the carbs or not offered dessert when everyone else is. It's relentless - I feel like every action is being judged. If I sit down then I'm asked "do you fancy walking the dog?" or "should we do some yoga?", if I'm shopping then I can't even consider getting anything unhealthy... It's horrible and so stressful. Funnily, my other brother (who doesn't comment on my weight at all) is actually pretty large and no one ever says a single word (nor should they!)

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant, I weigh 75kg and my brother has announced he's coming to the UK from when I'm 38 weeks through to 3 weeks after my due date. I'm dreading it. The absolute last thing I want is for him to be judging my body right now. Even if I tell him to fuck right off, the comments and the judgement will continue. I just don't want to see him at all.

I would refuse to see him and tell him why. Not on at all.

Maybe say look db I can lose the weight if i choose to but you will always be a judgey cunt...
And mean it.

You’re a grown up. No one, not a single living person, has the right to talk to you like that. Plus frankly if anyone had even mentioned weight when I was pregnant, I would have killed then to death. Tell him you won’t be discussing it AT ALL, the cheeky bastard. Ever.

Fuck that for a game of laughs.

I'd not see him at all. Actually refuse.

Then tell him exactly why. Refer to the fact that he only does this to you while ignoring your larger mum and brother. Tell him it's controlling and unacceptable. Then make sure you stick to not seeing him. Get your DH onside.

I'm agog when you were 49kg and they made you an exercise and weight plan. You were perfectly fine! He has a problem and your mum enabled it.

Sorry you had this all your life. My mum, who has always been slim and complains if she's put a pound on, constantly mentioned my size from teenage years onwards. It's demoralising and doesn't result in anything worthwhile. I was probably a size 10/12 too so hardly enormous!!

I would warn him not to mention your weight or do anything to "encourage" you to lose weight. Tell him it is rude, nasty and counter productive. Tell him you want to see him but the minute he starts any kind of fat shaming or the like he will be asked to leave and you won't see him again until he can apologise and act like a decent human being.

No no no. He is lucky you have not punched him. You do not need to tolerate this.

Refuse to see your brother and make it clear why. Enlist your DH and shut down every single mention of your weight by other members of the family going forward. Literally, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Like this: NO! No, we will not be discussing that today, please leave.

You deserve so much better.

I just don't want to see him at all

So don't. Tell your family (the judgy ones) you dont want to see any of them until he's gone. This is bullying and there is only one way to treat a bully. Get your bloke on side.

I’m sorry but your mum being bigger than you and having the nerve to comment negatively on your weight made me laugh!

Hopefully, he’ll give you a break because you’ll only have just entered postpartum.

i’d be nice to take advantage on my bother’s expertise but how can you when he’s making you feel so horrible?

Refusing to see him is just cutting off my nose to spite my face to be honest - he's my brother, I only see him rarely because he lives abroad, I enjoy seeing him aside from the weight stuff, and I'm having a baby so not seeing him would involve telling him he also can't see his newborn DN (or my older DS, who he hasn't seen since he was a few months old) too.

Equally, asking him to stop, however rudely or politely or bluntly or subtly, won't stop it. I'm not even sure if he realises he's doing some of it - like not offering me the same food and things. Even worse, I know that even if I successfully get him to stop, he'll still be thinking it and judging me on the inside - and that makes me uncomfortable.

Any third-trimester crash diet recommendations haha?

Your weight is absolutely none of his business

Why on earth are you tolerating this behavior?!

You're making your own bed here and you going to end up lying in it as you've always done.

Why don't you have any boundaries? Why do you think it's acceptable to role model to your children that it's ok for you to be bullied in your own home.

You're actively inviting someone who has bullied you for years to be around you during a very vulnerable period in your life and you have no intention to do anything to protect yourself.

Your family sound toxic as fuck so I'm not surprised you're not able to put in boundaries. But if you're just going to suck it up and let it happen then there's no point posting to ask for advice.

That's terrible, how awful for your brother to think that behaviour is acceptable.

If I were you and asked him to stop and he wouldn't, I would literally just tell him to 'FUCK OFF' every single time he mentioned and insinuated anything to do with your weight. See how it makes him feel!

You don't know that it won't stop it as you haven't told him to stop before. You seem to have internalised and accepted this treatment. You can make it clear that you will no longer tolerate it but you have to be strong and leave / ask him to leave if you are ignored. You could send a message to your DB and the other family members that enable him about your expectations of being treated with respect before his visit. Time to find your strength and assertiveness. Model this for your children.

Tell him calmly and directly that his constant monitoring and commenting about your weight is none of his business, not welcome, and upsetting your relationship with him.

He feels able to be outspoken (including rude and offensive) about YOU, why the reticence to be clear and direct to him?

To be honest, your DH saying it will be ‘sorted’ sends a message that you want to ‘sort’ it so he might think his professional skills are welcome. Men tend to assume that their great knowledge is always welcome….

Just speak to him about it and about him being judgey.

I'd be sending him a text or message now telling him that when he comes home, he's not to comment on your weight again, but especially not when pregnant. Set the boundary before he arrives. Tell him it's not to happen ever again and if he starts, you'll be leaving or he will.

Keep it blunt and clear and if he comes back with a joke, tell him you're not joking and he's to pay attention this time.

Yes, you’re right. If he can’t stop acting like a toxic bully, you don’t want him around your children. This man has a serious problem.

Is this brother perfect in every way? I expect not. This is horrible and controlling, no wonder you feel demoralised. In your shoes I would respond every single time by needling on HIS insecurities. Is he thinning on top? Respond to each rude comment - “come and talk to me about it once you’ve sorted your shiny bald spot”. Or if he’s short - “let’s speak once you’ve added some height and caught up with the big boys”.

it’s really horrible to bully someone over their insecurities and I don’t condone it. But it sounds like he’s been doing this to you for years - play him at his own game and I bet he’s soon shut up. Don’t take it lying down! X

Start mentioning his physical flaws ( big nose , spots ) and tell him to do something about it .

So you don't want to see him but you do want to see him and you can tell him to stop but he won't stop but if he does stop he'll still be thinking it? Then you make a joke about a crash diet, which probably reveals a lot more than you think about your crushed self-esteem as a result of being enmeshed with these feckers.

As pp said, boundaries. What on earth does your DH think of this saga?

"Bro, why on earth have you got such a fetish about my body - it's more than a bit weird to be honest"

Don't even mention your weight - it's your body he's got an unhealthy interest in.

I agree. Phone him and 121 tell him how you feel.

You can even fluffy it up if you feel more
Confident. 'I am really thankful for all the help and support you have tried to give me in the past. But i want to do things my own way now. I feel upset and ganged up on when me weight is discussed publicly or my food altered. I feel i am treat differently to others who are not currently at their best. I just want to be relaxed with you all and enjoy your company'.

You have now set an expectation. Will they talk behind your back-probably. Who cares. At lunch if it is mentioned stone wall 'my weight, lifestyle or fitness is a personal matter not a family one. Please move on' rinse and repeat.

If they do not serve you potatoes or your dessert. Do not silently tolerate the bullying (it is bullying). 'There seems to be an error j dont have any xxx'. If there is any comment as to why you don't get any. Repeat phrase from above or similar. 'I would like the same portion as everyone else please' and hand plate back to person serving.

They will probably froth and say how its only because they care etc. so have you one line ready for that too.

I would look him straight in the eye and eat a big cake while maintaining eye contact the whole time

Well you don't like his behaviour and it's blighted your life from an early age.

You don't want to not see him nor tell him he is behaving appallingly.

So what do you want to do?

Sounds like you don't want to challenge the situation and are happy to let him treat you this way. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd take a pack of biscuits or a big cake with me, and everytime he said anything, I'd eat a biscuit or slice of cake slowly while staring at him. Or take a McDonald's and throw it at him.