To be dreading this and not know what to do?

[ChubbyButt]

I grew up in quite an athletic family, particularly my brother, who is now a personal trainer. He lives abroad. My family have taken issue with my weight for as long as I can remember.

My brother is older than I am so he moved abroad when I was 14. When I was 17 he came back for a summer. I'm 158cm and weighed 49kg then. He made me a "plan" to follow then and my mum drove me to the gym every day (rural area) to make sure I followed it. A few years ago, I had DS and, when he was about 4-5 months old, my brother came to stay again - I was 65kg then. We were all staying at my parent's house and, one morning when DH went downstairs to make tea, my brother and my sister "ambushed" him saying that we needed to discuss my weight and put a plan together going forward. DH politely told them it's being sorted (trying to avoid a conflict) but was fuming afterwards.

My weight is always brought up whenever my brother is there. My sister almost never brings it up without him and my mum literally never does unless he's there (my mum is bigger than I am). When my brother is around, I get constant comments about what I'm eating or why I'm not exercising or what I'm wearing - often I'll be served meals without the carbs or not offered dessert when everyone else is. It's relentless - I feel like every action is being judged. If I sit down then I'm asked "do you fancy walking the dog?" or "should we do some yoga?", if I'm shopping then I can't even consider getting anything unhealthy... It's horrible and so stressful. Funnily, my other brother (who doesn't comment on my weight at all) is actually pretty large and no one ever says a single word (nor should they!)

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant, I weigh 75kg and my brother has announced he's coming to the UK from when I'm 38 weeks through to 3 weeks after my due date. I'm dreading it. The absolute last thing I want is for him to be judging my body right now. Even if I tell him to fuck right off, the comments and the judgement will continue. I just don't want to see him at all.

Could you speak to your mum and sister beforehand? I don't know why you haven't tbh. I don't know why you or your DH have pussyfooted around this.

You've asked for advice and so far rejected the obvious answers of just not seeing him, or trying to shut down the comments. But otherwise what options are there? I like the suggestion to just say "fuck off I'm not fat" - every single time he mentions it. And get your DH to do the same.

Or ...Can you email him and your mother & sister in advance. Say what you've said in your posts - describe what has happened in the past, the incident with your DH, state it's not acceptable behaviour and how it makes you feel. Be absolutely clear you will NOT tolerate it this visit and any discussion of your weight will result in you and your DH leaving immediately and not returning or seeing him again during the visit or future ones. The consequences have to be clear - even if you do want to see him.

Alternatively, get him alone on first day you see him, tell him to be quiet and listen without interuppting. Then say all this (have it in writing so you can just read it out) and get him to confirm he has understood. He doesn't have to agree with your feelings. Just ask him to repeat back what you have said about consequiences "if I bring up any subject about your weight or an exercise plan, you will leave and not see me again"..

I think you know that if you don't put a stop to this it will come up, if not before birth then quickly afterwards about "how to lose the baby weight" etc.

I only wish I'd told my brother to F-off when the day before my wedding, (also on a trip back from living abroad) he told me "You've put on the beef since I last saw you". I spent the night feeling fat & not looking forward to putting to put my dress on. I was a size bloody 12.

So you are 5ft 1 and weigh 10 stone (when not pregnant)?
not sure I see a massive problem with this? Maybe a bit overweight but nothing to be seriously concerned about surely? I’m 3 stone overweight but healthy, exercise loads and although would love to be slimmer even I would be weirded out by this behaviour?

What the fuck! Your brother needs help. Refuse to see him.

This is doormat behaviour, sorry OP.

Tell your DB that if he makes one comment about your weight or body you will leave and not see him again on this visit.

Give him the choice. Enforce some boundaries.

I honestly would be having the police issue him with a harassment warning if he continued like this. This is beyond bullying and actual harassment.
My brother is also against anyone overweight and refuses to speak to any 'fat' person (his words) including me! Which to be honest, suits me perfectly.

But this? Nope. Not acceptable behaviour

So why have you started this thread then if you refuse to speak to him about it? Surely if you just wanted diet recommendations (you can't diet whilst pregnant?) then you'd ask for them without the backstory?

What an insensitive and incredibly rude man. Has he no boundaries? he’s a total boot, who needs to be shown how abhorrent his behaviour is. With this established bullying, there’s no point in being polite to him. Tell it like it is. Or better still, demonstrate how pathetic and hurtful his behaviour is

some suggestions:

Get your DH ask him when he is going to get a “real” job instead of a hobby. (No offence meant to PTs, just to wind him up by being rude). Repeat every time he makes a nasty comment

Get whistles for you and your DH. each time your brother mentions your weight, blow the whistles and then say, “enough with the weight comments, John”.

pick on a random, totally trivial aspect of his to criticise - ragged cuticles, nose hair needs trimmed, smelly feet etc. and go on about it every time he mentions your weight.

Start standing up for yourself. You are a person, not their plaything. The only person who makes decisions about your body is you.

If he mentions your body in any way: ‘Sorry, my body is mine, and it’s not your business’. Get up and leave the room.

If you’re given a plate of food that differs from others, take a look around the table and swap your plate for one of theirs. ‘You must have given mine to someone else, Mum. I wanted potatoes AND Yorkshire puddings.’ Or get up and add whatever’s missing from your plate. Don’t explain. You don’t have to.

If your Mum mentions your body: ‘If you want to lose weight, Mum, go ahead. Perhaps DB will draw you up a plan. I don’t want to, so don’t talk to me about it again’.

Then stop engaging with talk about your body. Leave the room or the house every time one of them tries it. It’s like training puppies. Constant reinforcement of the message.

And you need a serious talk with your DH for not standing up for you and instead agreeing that your weight needs addressing (WTF??). Mine would not know what had hit him if he’d done the same. Not that he’d ever dream of it, though.

Why do you care what any of these people think? And why does your husband not take your side?

I don't know what you want us to say if you are not prepared to stop seeing him and don't want to tell him to stop.

You are behaving like a doormat and enabling his awful behaviour. I would have no hesitation in telling my brother to do one if he tried to draw up a weight loss/exercise plan for me, unless I had specifically asked him to.

“DB why are you so obsessed with my weight/ what I eat?”
”DB how does what I look/ what I eat impact upon you in any way?”
”DB surely you have better things to worry about than what I weigh/ what I eat”

Rinse and repeat as necessary

I think it's quite worrying that your brother is a PT.

Weighing 158cm at 49kg is a BMI of 19.6, so the lower end of healthy range. In what world is a diet plan needed for this BMI?

65kg would put you at about 2.5 kg above the healthy range for your height which I think is pretty good for 4-5 months post partum.

Your weight is non of his business and fuck off is an entirely reasonable response. I can bear arseholes who think they have a right to bully women about their weight.

I've calculated the BMI's just to highlight that your brother has a very distorted view of what constitutes a healthy weight. Not only is he as rude AF he doesn't sound qualified to be offering advice on weight loss nevermind charge people for diet, lifestyle or exercise advice.

It's not ok for him to do this. I have friends who constantly refer to my body and my weight and it is totally rubbish.

Your choices are:

1. Address it with him
2. Don't see him
3. See him and put up with it

You say you don't want to see him but then say you do. You've said there is no point bringing it up with him. So unfortunately your remaining option is 3.

can't

"I don't need any advice so stop commenting on my weight, you judgemental twat!" would be my approach.

What a twat. squirt him with a water pistol every time he says anything negative.

Take up kickboxing before his next visit then when he mentions weight proceed to kick him in the head......joking aside he is bullying you and actually deserved everything you can throw back at him.

It's sad to read your username and your posts.

It sounds like on some level, you agree with your Brother and think you're overweight and need to do something about it therefore are tolerating his comments and behaviour more than you should?

Just because he's your Brother, doesn't give him a gold pass to be a twat or rude to you, you know? Equally, I know you say 'If I don't see him, he won't see his new nephew / niece - but.. why would you WANT him to see them if he's not able to be kind and pleasant?

What happens if your child is say, 5 and they're reaching for a bit of cake and your Brother starts commenting on their weight? what if they're going through puberty and your Brother starts mentioning their appearance? Are you going to accept it, or stand up for them and tell your Brother he can't do that? And if you are going to be able to stand up for your child..... why not stand up for yourself and let him know that unless he can keep his comments to himself, you'll not see him?

I'd like to think he wouldn't comment when you're so heavily pregnant/post- but if there's still a risk, I'd be really straightforward, now is NOT the time to be talking about weight.

What sex are your kids/ the due baby? Would you be happy with your brother speaking to a daughter of yours that way, not giving her the same food as her brother, making her do exercise? Because by making jokes about a crash diet in the third trimester it sounds as though you would, like your mother, tacitly support him doing so, to stop him focusing on you. If you wouldn't let him bully your daughter then why is it OK for him to do it to you?

Your brother is horrible and your mum and sister almost as bad. You need to get some self respect and tell him to fuck off. Get your dh to have a word if you can't.

Honestly, if someone makes you feel shit about yourself just cut them out. It doesn't matter who they are, you don't need them in your life.

Nothing will change unless you change the dynamics. Take control of the situation. The minute anyone mentions your weight or tries to come up with diets, exercise plans put your hand up and say “Stop, I want to enjoy your visit, I’m not a project to be managed, my weight isn’t anyone’s concern but my own and I’m not concerned about it and nor should you be”
Then go and cut yourself the biggest slice of cake and enjoy it.
If they control your portions or deny you a desert, speak up, “oops, I’m over here, you need to go to Specsavers”.
“Oh, didn’t you know, pregnant or postpartum women need more calories, not less”.
Id be worried they’d start on your children next.

I would mention it in advance. Let him know you will be post natal and expressly don;t want him to mention yur weight. Tell him his previous comments backfire horribly and just make you feel shit, not motivated. If he wants to see you and the new baby that's fine, but if he starts commenting on your size, food, controlling your portions or 'encouraging' exercise after you have specifically explained how hurtful it is, then he will be intentionally causing you pain and you will remove yourself from the situation.

He probably stupidly thinks he is being motivational.

@@ChubbyButt

DH politely told them it's being sorted

why??? Why didn't he tell them to mind their own business??

tell your brother to mind his own business & STFU. Tell him it's creepy he's so interested in your body (that should shut him
up).