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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wives, maintenance...

69 replies

MINKY75 · 14/06/2022 07:36

My partners ex has requested he keep paying maintenance for his 18 year old who has decided to stay at home and do a course at college rather than go away to uni. He'd already said he would give the 18 year old a set amount while they were in FE as he did with their sibling but his ex has said that she wants the money - not just the amount agreed, but the amount he had to pay while the child was at school which is considerably more. If she were in financial difficulty is understand, but she is better off financially than us. My partner wants to be fair but this is causing strain on us all. I personally think, at 18, there needs to be some independence and the opportunity for budgeting and earning but I don't want to get in the way of their co-parenting. To add to it all, my partners ex is now off on a ten day holiday with the expectation that the 18 year old spends the whole time with us (not asked, just assumed) and I've said to my partner this isn't OK. We had a much needed child free weekend coming up and I feel like a misery for telling my partner I don't want the 18 year old there for the whole time. Any sage advice from other co-parents out there? Am I being unreasonable for wanting my partner to set firmer boundaries with his ex?

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 14/06/2022 07:40

Holiday is easy - 18 yo should stay at his mums alone. He is not a baby, perfectly capable of being by himself for a while. Your DH can take him out a couple of time during the week.

Maintenance-depends entirely on your financial set up. If all the money in your household is family money then you can easily disagree with the arrangements. If you have independent budgets then let DH decide and spare yourself a headache.
I would also give money to DSD directly from which he can contribute towards his board to his mum

Baker90 · 14/06/2022 07:41

If he remains in full time education (doesn't matter what type as far as I know) then your dh is liable to pay maintenance until he is 20. So technically speaking she is not being unreasonable. However, My parents always had the agreement from the time we went to college, half came to us and half went to mum. At the end of the day her expenses didn't drop suddenly as we were still living at home and costing her household too. We worked as well and contributed nominal rent.

As for the weekend, that's a separate issue and at 18 I don't see why he can't stay at mums for the weekend? Unless I'm missing something really obvious!

Teenangels · 14/06/2022 07:45

Your partner has to support his child while he is in full time education, which college is classed as at the amount that was agreed.
The ex wife finances do not come into this, by law he has to pay.

Bananarama21 · 14/06/2022 07:46

He should be paying maintainence whilst he's in education and why can't mum enjoy a holiday away sounds like you just don't like him

Ponoka7 · 14/06/2022 07:47

As he co-parents, you are ok with having the 18 year old for around five days? That would be a good compromise. It breaks up the time and allows independence. Space out the days.
It sounds as though she's struggling with the idea that the maintenance is going to stop. Is she definitely managing ok? Are you less worse off because you have had more children?

harriethoyle · 14/06/2022 07:50

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay#:~:text=Contacting%20the%20Child%20Maintenance%20Service&text=You're%20normally%20expected%20to,equivalent.

Here you go OP - depends if son is studying for the equivalent of A levels or highers.

Re hols - he should be able to come and go. YABU to say he can't come at all but YANBU to say you don't want him to stay for 10 full days. Also tbh at 18 I expect he will be off doing his own thing over both weekends!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/06/2022 07:51

The ex’s costs for her now adult child won’t have decreased, so why do you think your partners should? Isn’t he a parent too?

You aren’t really concerned about teaching the teenager lessons in budgeting, and even if you were, that’s not your business.

AhNowTed · 14/06/2022 07:55

18 years olds don't magically stop costing money OP.

Her finances are irrelevant.

3peassuit · 14/06/2022 07:59

If your DS is studying for qualifications no higher than A levels, you DH is still required to pay maintenance to the ex. Why can’t he stay at his mother’s while she’s away or split the time 50/50 between houses?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/06/2022 08:01

Where does the son want to stay while his Mum is away? If he wasn’t to stay at his Dads then he should be able to stay at his Dads. It’s irrelevant that he’s capable of staying alone if he doesn’t want to.

Iwonder08 · 14/06/2022 08:03

Why people keep banging on about full time education? We don't know what course he is taking. Given he decided against the uni now it is likely he has A level or equivalent already and 'college course' is probably not even a full time. If 18 yo decided to opt out of uni and picked a college course instead he should work in parallel.

NaughtyDaddyPig · 14/06/2022 08:10

What age does maintenance stop? Is it A-levels only or equivalent? Why does 18 year old need to stay with you? They're technically an adult

Pinkyxx · 14/06/2022 08:25

Its a great idea to encourage the 18 year to work but realistically there's no way he can earn sufficient to cover his own expenses in this day & age. As he's living with mum, she is going to have to keep supporting him and her costs don't change. While there's a defined point at which a father has no further financial responsibility for his child, it would be nice if father's didn't look for an exit at the earliest opportunity...

18 year old's still need homes & parents.. makes me sad to read these threads.. I don't recall my parents ever limiting how much I could be at home after 18.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/06/2022 08:36

I think you're being unreasonable sorry. Costs of housing and feeding a child dont stop when they are 18. If they are in college they can get a part time job and learn budgeting etc but it's not going to put a dent in living expenses at the moment. Also I think its harsh that you want a 'child free weekend' so don't want them round - it's his family, and your home is meant to be their home too and although your feelings are understandable I think it would be mean and could damage their relationship if they arent welcome. Surely an 18 year old keeps themselves to themselves and you ans your husband can carry on with whatever plans you had? If it's a case of mess and not contributing to chores etc then get your husband to have a chat about expectations before they come with the threat of going back to their mums if not.

PurpleWisteria · 14/06/2022 08:41

You shouldn't be paying her anything now DSS is 18.

If your DH wants to support him he should pay him direct - but at 18 he should be getting a job and not being kept.

Ex wife is taking the piss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2022 08:47

What course is he doing? Is he planning to get a job as well?

What does your DH think of both of these issues?

AhNowTed · 14/06/2022 08:48

PurpleWisteria · 14/06/2022 08:41

You shouldn't be paying her anything now DSS is 18.

If your DH wants to support him he should pay him direct - but at 18 he should be getting a job and not being kept.

Ex wife is taking the piss.

Nonsense.

The child is 18 and in college.

They don't magically become earners and cost nothing just because they're technically an adult.

Alwayspaintyournails · 14/06/2022 08:53

PurpleWisteria · 14/06/2022 08:41

You shouldn't be paying her anything now DSS is 18.

If your DH wants to support him he should pay him direct - but at 18 he should be getting a job and not being kept.

Ex wife is taking the piss.

I don’t think that’s true. DS and DD are both in FE and staying at home. They both have PT jobs and what they earn is their money to use socialising, most clothes and shoes, make up and beauty appointments, petrol and mobile phones.

DH and I provide a warm home, laundry, food, toiletries, essential technology, internet, text books, gym membership, car insurance, some fuel, meals out/days out/take away, always welcome on holidays etc.

Just because they are both over 18 doesn’t mean our costs magically reduce.

@MINKY75 for the sake of harmony I would try to find a compromise with the ExW. Explain everyone’s costs are going up and whilst you can’t afford X perhaps Y and pay it up her for the duration the DC is in education and living at home or until a cap of say 22/24?

3peassuit · 14/06/2022 08:53

You are required to pay maintenance till your child is 20 if he is taking a course that leads to qualifications no higher than A Levels. It’s on the CMS website.

Getoff · 14/06/2022 08:55

If he remains in full time education (doesn't matter what type as far as I know) then your dh is liable to pay maintenance until he is 20.

I've just googled, and apparently "full-time education" means school (A-levels) or equivalent, it does not mean university. Apparently "college" in the UK can mean both school or university-level education, but based on the OP information, I'd say it means university-level in this case, so there is no legal obligation to pay.

BrownMilk · 14/06/2022 09:03

Just a different perspective... What if he comes to live with you while at college? What do you think would be a fair contribution from partner's ex?

Getoff · 14/06/2022 09:23

They don't magically become earners and cost nothing just because they're technically an adult.

The issue is not how much should be spent, it's whose money should be spent.

AndSoFinally · 14/06/2022 09:24

OP, what course is your DSS doing at college? This would help people advise you.

You need to pay until the end of the August that their A-levels finish in any case (even if they've had their 18th birthday already). You would need to continue to pay until they are 20 if they do another A-level or equivalent course.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 14/06/2022 09:32

PurpleWisteria · 14/06/2022 08:41

You shouldn't be paying her anything now DSS is 18.

If your DH wants to support him he should pay him direct - but at 18 he should be getting a job and not being kept.

Ex wife is taking the piss.

If the son is still in full time education but not university, maintenance has to still be paid to the rp until the age of 20.

PurpleWisteria · 14/06/2022 10:40

@AhNowTed
Nonsense.
The child is 18 and in college.
They don't magically become earners and cost nothing just because they're technically an adult.*

Obviously you missed where I said the money should be paid direct to the DS. Maybe read comments properly in future.