Ex wives, maintenance...

[MINKY75]

My partners ex has requested he keep paying maintenance for his 18 year old who has decided to stay at home and do a course at college rather than go away to uni. He'd already said he would give the 18 year old a set amount while they were in FE as he did with their sibling but his ex has said that she wants the money - not just the amount agreed, but the amount he had to pay while the child was at school which is considerably more. If she were in financial difficulty is understand, but she is better off financially than us. My partner wants to be fair but this is causing strain on us all. I personally think, at 18, there needs to be some independence and the opportunity for budgeting and earning but I don't want to get in the way of their co-parenting. To add to it all, my partners ex is now off on a ten day holiday with the expectation that the 18 year old spends the whole time with us (not asked, just assumed) and I've said to my partner this isn't OK. We had a much needed child free weekend coming up and I feel like a misery for telling my partner I don't want the 18 year old there for the whole time. Any sage advice from other co-parents out there? Am I being unreasonable for wanting my partner to set firmer boundaries with his ex?

It’s irrelevant what kind of parent that would make her. The point is, it’s her choice, and it’s no longer the responsibility of the father to financially contribute to her. If she needs financial support then she can tell the son he needs to pay rent, and sort out the details of that with him.

The father intends to give an allowance to his son. Whether the son chooses to give some to his mother for his upkeep is between them, it’s not the responsibility of the father to get involved.

My son and daughter were both at uni at the same time. One stayed home, one moved away. They both got the same amount of student loan. So I would be looking at what the SD gets loan wise and expecting her rent and food money to come out of that. Then DH should be paying his DD the amount they had agreed on.

I personally think, at 18, there needs to be some independence and the opportunity for budgeting and earning

So you “personally think” that your partner’s child’s mother should pay ALL the costs for your partner’s child’s education. And your partner should not pay anything.

YABU

If your own child was still living with you at 18, would you be buying them food, paying their bit of the gas bill etc? He is still your DH’s son, and he still costs his other parent money to support until he is full fledged. Thats the question I think you need to ask yourself about whats fair what would I do with my own child if they chose the same path as SS.

@MINKY75 YANBU he’s an adult and he has finished FE. You say he’s doing HE but what type of course is he doing? Most HE courses come with a maintenance loan. I survived on that at uni (and I lived 100s miles away from home). I didn’t receive regular money from my parents. He could also get a part time job to top up the loan he receives. If he still needs support eg food or course materials etc then your DH should bank transfer straight to his ds’s bank account, not his ex’s.

I agree with this.
NRP agrees to help 18 child by way of a reasonable sum which is one set of negotiations m. The child deals directly with the parent with whom they live.

Perhaps, but a bit sad isn't it that as soon as the legal requirement to pay passes the father is happy to wash their hands of it. Shows what kind of man he is I suspect.

I do think we need to stop talking about what we did at Uni. Conditions are very different now in terms of getting work and the cost of things compared to the minimum wage. I had jobs at uni in the holidays too but I'm not going to assume that is possible for absolutely all students for any number of reasons. Its highly unlikely that this 18yo will be financially independent and highly likely that their mum will be providing most of the funds for their living, 22 weeks a year just as they have done previously. The dad probably knows damn well the mum isn't going to start portioning up the gas bill and will end up funding most of it herself - his "pocket money" is unlikely to be enough for the child to pay the mum a fair whack and have any money left for themselves.

Educate yourself first, she is not taking the piss, she is correct.

I’d never make my child pay part of the gas bill etc. my goodness if they are still living at home make them pay some board money or something but the bloody household bills should not be the child’s responsibility or the ex-partners 🙄

my parents divorced & by the time we were leaving school I lived with my dad and my sister lived with my mum and they didn’t pay anything after we both leave education and my sister was in education until she was 23.

The ex-partner should readdress her budgets and the dad should pay his “adult” son directly. The resident partner has obviously set her budgets up with the regularity of extra money but that’s not wise. Sometimes I wish parents would look at what just raising the child is rather than looking at their overall budgets for everything and expecting half.

Why isn't it? The 18 year old will have income from father, probably a maintenance grant and probably part time work. At 18 they are old enough to negotiate with the parent they live with or their landlord if they live elsewhere and sort out their money.

At 18 I was married with a baby and sorting out paying my rent, bills, food, nursery fees etc. My boss didn't send money to the landlord to pay my rent, that was for me to do as I was an adult.

@Remiwoof2 why is "not wise" for the RP not to factor in the maintenance? Assuming the NRP has been reliably paying (I know many don't but this isn't the case here) then why should she not reliably expect the other parent to maintain regular contributions? And really nothing "magic" happens at 18. If the RP is still providing significant and needed support to their child, the NRP should continue to contribute to that, or offer to take over the RP role . In your case one child each was living with a parent so no maintenance rightly changed hands. It may well be that the ex does not want to charge her child for utilities etc, as yours (and mine) didn't, but if that is the case the child's other parent should still contribute to their upkeep as they would be if they were still all living together.

Because the maintenance to her has ended with no agreement between the parents for the father to continue paying her. Both things she was aware of. That’s why it’s ‘not wise’.

if the RP chooses to continue providing support for her adult child and needs money for that, then that is between her and the son to sort. She may not want to charge him, but she can’t expect her ex husband to continue paying her in order to enable her choice.

She should just send him to his dads. Problem solved.

The assumption being that the dad is required to house him, I take it? He’s not, any more than she is.

It’s up to her what she decides to do. If she needs money to support her son then she needs to look at options that don’t involve her getting continued maintenance from his father.

Just as an aside, if the father only has to pay the same as he paid for maintenance that could be quite a good deal. We pay a lot more for our kids uni loan top-ups than we did in maintenance... was about £200 each a month ...now about £300 each a month.

Yes but only if parents are prepared to give it. I’m no reasonable world is it ok to assume Bank of mum and dad will pay for you indefinitely.

25 is old enough to get a job, move out and manage things yourself. And no ex DP should be giving their former DP maintenance for a child at that age.

If one parent is generous enough to let a child move home, good for them. Any other finances between other parents and child is just that - between other parent and child.

18 year old will have income from father, probably a maintenance grant and probably part time work. At 18 they are old enough to negotiate with the parent they live with or their landlord if they live elsewhere and sort out their money

I agree with this completely. Mum has no business asking for money from exDP. That convo needs to be between her and her son.

@KalvinPhillips23

Embarrassing to be you. No obligation to pay support for a student in higher education.
Now don't you feel silly?