Ex wives, maintenance...

[MINKY75]

My partners ex has requested he keep paying maintenance for his 18 year old who has decided to stay at home and do a course at college rather than go away to uni. He'd already said he would give the 18 year old a set amount while they were in FE as he did with their sibling but his ex has said that she wants the money - not just the amount agreed, but the amount he had to pay while the child was at school which is considerably more. If she were in financial difficulty is understand, but she is better off financially than us. My partner wants to be fair but this is causing strain on us all. I personally think, at 18, there needs to be some independence and the opportunity for budgeting and earning but I don't want to get in the way of their co-parenting. To add to it all, my partners ex is now off on a ten day holiday with the expectation that the 18 year old spends the whole time with us (not asked, just assumed) and I've said to my partner this isn't OK. We had a much needed child free weekend coming up and I feel like a misery for telling my partner I don't want the 18 year old there for the whole time. Any sage advice from other co-parents out there? Am I being unreasonable for wanting my partner to set firmer boundaries with his ex?

Just for info, the course is higher education so not legally obligated to pay - we did check this first.

If not legally obliged to pay then I’d stick to the original agreement to pay money to the daughter

He'll get a maintenance loan then. And his mother can charge him rent which he can pay from it. Obvs your dh should be prepared to support him direct to an amount agreed by him and his ds.

How much is the parental contribution on the loan he's getting?
It might be easier if he comes to live with you though so you can save money, rather than paying an excessive amount to the ex.

It would be really ideal if the ex and your DH could have an honest conversation about how much their joint child still requires in terms of financial support. Not what should be, or used to be, or what we did 30 years ago but now. It may be he is home for almost half the year (if uni terms are 30 weeks that leaves 22 still). If that means he is living in the exes house and consuming energy, food, wifi etc. They may be able to get part time work but its not a given and won't be all that much. There is little doubt that the RP will still be funding them fairly significantly. Assuming your DH is a good parent and a decent person, I would hope he would want to take on his share of that. Paying it to the child directly might work but again, there are a lot of variables. Will the child willingly hand over x% of it to his mum for board? Are you involving them in the co-parenting dynamics more than you need to? The alternative is he spends his holidays with you and the ex gives him X amount that he then has to hand over to his dad. Think about that -- if it sounds unappealing for whatever reason, then maybe you need to allow your DH to sort this out so his ex is not left with the expense alone.

Well he still costs her money for feeding him etc so unless he is working too, then no I think you should keep helping.

Why can't he stay at home on his own? Why does she want him babysitted basically? That's what it would feel like to me if I was 18 and my parents didn't trust me to stay at home alone.

While he may cost money still at 18 the ex wife doesn’t actually have to keep supporting him. She may choose to, but she doesn’t have to.

as for whether he’d willingly hand over money from the maintenance loan, that’s surely between her and the son? It doesn’t folllow that the father is required to pay in his stead.

Sounds like you've been counting down the days that your DH would be absolved of his obligations and now you're annoyed that despite being technically an adult this young person still needs some support from his father. I've never understood the people on here who claim they will wipe their hands of their children once they reach 18.

While he may cost money still at 18 the ex wife doesn’t actually have to keep supporting him. She may choose to, but she doesn’t have to.

No, she doesn’t have to. But what sort of a parent stops supporting their son or daughter the moment they turn 18? Providing them with no financial support whatsoever would mean kicking them out of home.

My ex gives me maintenance for my 21&23 year olds at university, they cost me money, he pays his share. If he would have been paying if he was living with her mother then he should be paying half the cost now

At what point though should they have to support themselves, or reasonably be expected to support themselves.

If they’re living there at 25 should he still be paying?

You said further in your OP?

And when your own kids are 18 will you be happy for your partner to say he doesn't want them there for ten days in a row?

Yabu

Maintenance is paid until age 20 if still in education. Her costs wont reduce so why do you think your DH is less of a parent?

I would assume an 18 year old would enjoy having the house to himself for a couple of weeks while his mother is away. I loved it when my parents went away and left me at home. Is there some reason why he can't get a job?

Yes, the mother may be imagining him enjoying himself a bit too much! I wouldn't leave my 18 year old in the house 'alone' for 10 days ... it would be the party house within about 10 seconds!

@Quincythequince I think it all depends on circumstances, not chronological age. At 25 they might be in post-grad study, or working full time, or restarting after realising they'd taken the wrong direction, or ill and not able to work. In whatever scenario, if they require parental support that should come from both parents. If one doesn't want to hand over cash, they can offer the roof and food.

The OP's husband isn't trying to get out of supporting his child. He just wants to give the money directly to the 18-year-old. Then it is up to them to give an amount to their mother for housekeep. Budgeting like an adult.

I understand that idea, but again, I think it all depends on the dynamics between the three of them. Unless the nrp has serious reason to doubt that the money is being misused, I think it just complicates matters. A compromise could be contributing the same amount in total but a % to the mum for basic overheads and the rest to the child out of which they might still need to give X amount to their 'landlord' or buy their own food etc. Just not sure how that realistically works.

I don't see why the money has to go to the mother just because the 18-year-old lives in her house. They didn't have that arrangement with the other child when they went elsewhere to study. At this stage, the money is to support the young adult. It is not to support the mother to support the young adult.

OP says if they were to pay the same rate as maintenence was it would be substantially more than he was planning, so I suspect the amount is pocket money range. If the child is living at home still why shouldn't it go to supporting the mum? Do you think she is likely to decide at 18 ah fuck it she's old enough now to fend for herself I'm going to chuck her out so I won't be funding her to live in this house.

That isn't fair. The OP says her partner had agreed to give money to his child so it doesn't sound like OP was expecting him to stop support just that he was going to give it to his child not his ex.

You are being unreasonable. He's in education therfore she has rights to maintenance, she can go on a holiday if she wants to and not have to worry about her son, his dad should look look after him, not all 18 year old are responsible or mature enough to be on theor own. You sound like your just bitter about the money amd can't be arsed having him around

Giving it to him is not maintenance though!!!!

I was going to type a reply but you assumed it up well

The teenager is in higher education, they can get loans and grants and a job like other teenagers do if their father's "pocket money" isn't good enough.