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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have sex with my partner

52 replies

Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 18:57

I've had enough! Me and dps sex life has gone cold turkey. The only times we ever have sex he attempts it by just shoving himself inside me and thrusting for a couple of minutes to then be done.

I've communicated with him on multiple occasions I do not like this because

A. I'm not in the mood. No foreplay and going straight to it hurts

B Its selfish and I gain no pleasure from it. So it's just all about him

C it makes me feel used and like a sex doll

He said he understood and would never do it again. Well after months of nothing and him agreeing he wants our sex life to be less one sided and more about me he has done it again!

Right after a lovely anniversary meal. He claims he "read the signs wrong" but I absolutely showed him no signs and regardless if he felt confused he knew I don't like sex in this way.

It's happened way too many times now to be a mistake.

I'm hurt and furious. We are meant to be moving into our new home and getting married. But I don't feel I can trust him sexually or even that I want to have sex with him anymore.

I know this isn't really an Aibu but I have no one to tell and I'm just so upset. We have been working so hard at our relationship and he goes and ruins it all by thinking with his d!ck and not considering me. I feel violated and disrespected.

OP posts:
KateTush · 13/06/2022 19:48

@Grumpcat Do you deem this to be rape?

By objective standards he raped you. Not for the first time.

Sunnytwobridges · 13/06/2022 19:49

Northernsoullover · 13/06/2022 18:58

This relationship is dead. You need to end it.

This. WHenever sex got to this point with anyone it was over.

Madeintowerhamlets · 13/06/2022 19:49

This is rape OP. It’s not ok. I’m so sorry for you. It’s not your fault.

Madeintowerhamlets · 13/06/2022 19:50

Also who the feck has voted that OP is unreasonable?!

notforonesecond · 13/06/2022 19:50

Having read your update, I’m not confused any more. OP, he raped you. I’m so sorry. You said no and he did it any way.

It doesn’t matter what sort of evening you had or whether you only said no once. You said no and he did it any way.

You have to leave this man.

EmoIsntDead · 13/06/2022 19:51

Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:42

We was just lying in bed. I gave him a hand job and he finished. I said I was tired and made it clear I was doing it for him but not for sex.

I went to lie down and he put his penis between my legs (I sleep naked) and kept thrusting. I said no and wiggled away. He managed to get inside me so I lay there and let it happen and then went straight to sleep.

The next morning I felt repulsively disgusted and upset with him. I'm so angry this has happened again when it shouldn't even of happened once.

I told him I said no but his argument is I didn't say no when he was actively inside me.

I told him I told you I was tired and not in the slightest in the sexual mood.

He said he just assumed because we had a nice meal with romance in it that meant he could have a quickie without any romance in it and that would be okay.

This isn’t just shit sex. It’s rape.

Original poster
Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:52

I try to tell dp it was rape and he had a go at me and told me to stop using the "r" word especially infront of our daughter

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2022 19:52

I went to lie down and he put his penis between my legs (I sleep naked) and kept thrusting. I said no and wiggled away. He managed to get inside me so I lay there and let it happen and then went straight to sleep.

OP this is assault. I'm so sorry.

You can't marry him. You need help to leave him.

You poor thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/06/2022 19:53

greenritta · 13/06/2022 19:44

I think you're right to feel wronged and violated, this sounds like marital rape. I'm sorry you've been through this. Just know it's not normal

Just 'rape'. No such thing as 'marital rape'.

Pushing30 · 13/06/2022 19:54

Just seen the update. I hope you're ok OP, this was rape. Please get away from this man. Do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to/get support from?

Motnight · 13/06/2022 19:54

This isn't about bad sex, it's about rape. You need to leave, Op. You also need to protect your dd, whatever age she is, she shouldn't be present when you are discussing this with your partner.

Original poster
Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:56

I have no support in real life. I spoke to family the first time this happened and told them he raped me and they didn't respond too well. We have only just recently got engaged and family paid for us to have a lovely celebration. I can't tell them. They will just think its another thing he has done and that is that.

OP posts:
Hollipolly · 13/06/2022 19:56

Northernsoullover · 13/06/2022 18:58

This relationship is dead. You need to end it.

This with bells on

willieversleep · 13/06/2022 19:58

He raped you.

You do not want to stay with this man. He didn't take no for an answer this time. I doubt he will any other time.

RampantIvy · 13/06/2022 20:00

@Grumpcat you deserve far better than this. Too bad if your family have paid for your engagement. Do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life? Was he always like this?

justamushypea · 13/06/2022 20:01

Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:56

I have no support in real life. I spoke to family the first time this happened and told them he raped me and they didn't respond too well. We have only just recently got engaged and family paid for us to have a lovely celebration. I can't tell them. They will just think its another thing he has done and that is that.

So this isn't the first time?

And your family didn't take it seriously?
That's shocking. Do you have anyone who can help you get away from him.
He will do in t again now he's got away with it twice.

PearPickingPorky · 13/06/2022 20:03

He pushed himself inside you after you said no. That's rape. And he did it because he thought that you'd give in once he'd forced his way in?

OP, this is really, really bad.

FlippityFlapperty · 13/06/2022 20:07

Your body and mind are closing down on him sexually to protect yourself. That’s why you no longer want him near you. You know that the previous experiences have involved him disgregarding your pleasure - even your most basic arousal and enjoyment - so he can have his own.

The incident you have described is rape: you said no, your consent did not change from no to yes and he can’t have thought at any point that it did.
If it helps, imagine the situation as an outsider for one second: a man is aroused and determined to have sex with a woman that says no and wriggles away, but he pushes himself inside her anyway and continues while she lies entirely motionless. You’d say that was rape. It’s more difficult to process as the person it happened to because there’s emotion and children and you know him so well, but what he did was rape. You do need to leave him, OP. He doesn’t stop when you say no - you don’t need another reason.

Ansjovis · 13/06/2022 20:10

Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:52

I try to tell dp it was rape and he had a go at me and told me to stop using the "r" word especially infront of our daughter

Classic DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

You shouldn't have to put up with this, it doesn't matter if your family spent £1 or £1 million on your party. If you don't want a penis inside you it should not be there, end of.

Iflyaway · 13/06/2022 20:10

Please do not marry this man.

Fuck what your family thinks. Are they on YOUR side, or his?

Take your kids and get far away.

Before marriage, you can extricate yourself and your children from this horrendous man .

Once you have legally tied yourself to him the shit will hit your fan and he has more rights to your children.

I would recommend a chat to WomensAid.

FreddyVoorhees · 13/06/2022 20:11

Much as I dislike the pile on mentality, in this case it's fully justified.

You're not his right hand substitute.

Dump.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2022 20:31

If he doesn't want you to call it rape, he shouldn't rape you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please never be naked and vulnerable ear him again.

ManateeFair · 13/06/2022 20:42

Grumpcat · 13/06/2022 19:42

We was just lying in bed. I gave him a hand job and he finished. I said I was tired and made it clear I was doing it for him but not for sex.

I went to lie down and he put his penis between my legs (I sleep naked) and kept thrusting. I said no and wiggled away. He managed to get inside me so I lay there and let it happen and then went straight to sleep.

The next morning I felt repulsively disgusted and upset with him. I'm so angry this has happened again when it shouldn't even of happened once.

I told him I said no but his argument is I didn't say no when he was actively inside me.

I told him I told you I was tired and not in the slightest in the sexual mood.

He said he just assumed because we had a nice meal with romance in it that meant he could have a quickie without any romance in it and that would be okay.

That’s rape.

You need to end this relationship NOW. Go to Women’s Aid if necessary. You really, really need to get away.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2022 20:49

He raped you; I’m so sorry that happened to you op

Can you call rape crisis when he’s not around or consider the police? Womens aid will support you to leave him

ThisisMax · 13/06/2022 21:15

Sex without consent is rape.