Why am I soooo resentful?

[Need2moveon]

My ex cheated on me a few years ago, absolutely devastated me, never saw it coming! Roll on to now and I’m a single mum with 2 under 10. Work part time. Am overweight, skint and fed up.
my ex is swanning round with loads of money, doing his house, booking holidays with affair woman who’s now his gf and I can’t help but feel really really resentful towards him and her! I don’t want him back, far from it, but I feel like she’s now got the best version of him and I guess I’m jealous of their life. My son comes home telling me about the ace time he has there and how she makes a full on spread at breakfast time and there’s me, knackered, forcing myself out of bed and hurriedly giving my kids breakfast!!

How do I stop comparing my life? Stop focusing on the negatives ?

You draw a line under it. Move on.
it’s great that your kids have a nice time there, I had an awful step mum, so be grateful that she is nice to your kids. Honestly, it could be so much worse.
Use the time that they are away to sort yourself out and look to the future.
And remember, if he cheated on you, he’ll do it again.

I am grateful for that, but it’s hard to not compare and also feel inferior

Off topic, but you're skint. Is he paying enough maintenance?

Give yourself some small goals. Could losing weight & exercising more be one of them?
Get out as much as you can when the children are with him, doing something for yourself. Go swimming, walk a footpath, and so on. Join something? Drama group, sewing or hobby group?
You need to “find yourself” & Im sure it will make you feel more empowered to move on.
It always seems to be the dastardly men who come off best but in time, with a little bit more vision of a newer better self, you will get there. One day you’ll raise two fingers to him & it will feel so good. Believe me. I’ve been there. Good luck!

I really doubt an ow ever feels really secure in the relationship..

When a man leaves his wife for his mistress it creates a vacancy. Trust me that she is not getting the best version of him. He'll be cheating on her too, if he isn't already.

Do you have either of them on social media by any chance? I think it would be good to block and them delete them from all social media platforms. Only talk to him via phone, text and email and only about the children.

Be grateful she’s nice to your kids and wait for the day she’s rings you up for sympathy he’s done it again. Oh I laughed and laughed.

I was in the same situation when my dcs father left. It's not nice to feel you are having your face rubbed in his new 'happiness'. It's all smoke and mirrors though, the new wife probably feels threatened and insecure. She's won 'the prize' but knows deep down that he is the booby prize. He will cheat on her.
My ex went through a string of women after me, same pattern every time. I felt sorry for all of them (except the original OW - she deserved everything she put me through).

Let it go now, move on with your own life and use the time that the kids are with him to look after yourself. Make new friends and have fun without a low life cheater dragging you down.

Comparison is the thief of joy. But we're all human and if you must compare your life and his, Just remember you haven't lost. You're not coming in in last place. The only thing you lost is a cheating lying partner. In return you won your peace of mind and independence. You won the right to create a stable home life and you've kept your family with your children intact. You've won the right to be tired, from the privilege of raising them and not just to be a weekend warrior/Disney Dad. Sounds like winning to me. It feels hard and unrewarding in the moment, but you have your self respect. Remember that what your kids see is a bit of weekend 'show' he and his girlfriend put on for the kids and your benefit. The reality may be very very different.

Yep. I felt the same.
So I lost two stone, got some Botox and went on a dating website and bagged myself a new bloke.
It was a long journey but worth it!!!!
Sending hugs xx

That’s quite a strange thing to say. Many a man (or woman) will only realise that they’ve made a mistake when they subsequently meet someone who completely knocks them off their feet, and will then have a very happy life with the person that they move on to.

Any relationship starts an affair doesn't have trust underpinning it. It can't. Yes people will kid themselves it's true love, blah blah, false though. But literally at any moment either could bump into some other person that'll be the next one they consider it worth doing the same for. Fundamentally cheats just are not committing their life, just moment to moment, for whatever reason.

You're confidence has been shattered and its perfectly understandable to feel some resentment. It sounds like you should get a proper calculation of maintenence due and act on it. Go through a lawyer. You are better off out of it and your children will one day be extremely greatful for the loyalty you showed to thjem. Believe me that he will let them down too, if not now then as they mature they will see it and probably feel it too. People like that don't change. You can enjoy your life more by scrubbing the memory of him away and start again. You will be free, happy and calm.

Well I'm guessing that he's managing to work full time possibly only paying what he has to for the kids, while you are limited with the hours you can work & maybe paying childcare on top?

She's not got the best version-he's a cheat with no/few(?) responsibilities.

You're resentful because you're unhappy. This has nothing to do with him. He did something unpleasant to you, but he's not doing anything to you now, he's getting on with his own life. He's focussing on him.

If you do the same (focus on you), you'll stop being resentful, because you'll have someone way better than him on your side: you.

"That’s quite a strange thing to say. Many a man (or woman) will only realise that they’ve made a mistake when they subsequently meet someone who completely knocks them off their feet, and will then have a very happy life with the person that they move on to."

How is it going for you and the OW NotKevin?

She's auditioning right now. She's looked at his cheating, feckless ways and realised she has to be perfect Polly in order to keep him happy. Full breakfast and a smile or he'll shag someone else.

It's a shit way to live. She'll learn.

You keep telling yourself that Kev.

Well, more fool them.

Because if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

You're either a cheater or you're not. Once you've gone there, what stops you doing it again?

He won't be a different person with her, she is not getting 'the best version of him' she is getting what you got but older!
I felt like you, although my children were not so young when we split, but as time went on I realised that our relationship was not as wonderful as I had thought, but because I loved him, I overlooked his faults didn't see the self entitled behaviour, and put up with his excruciatingly annoying habits. After a very long time (I am now 71) I have come to realise that a lot of it was emotional abuse, and the 'younger' woman he cheated with, is now faced with caring for a cantankerous old git with an unreliable memory. I am full of sympathy🙄

There's no set rule here. Some have an affair because they fell in love with a new partner and will stay with them permanently. Some people have an affair because they like to cheat, and will do so over and over.

It doesn't really matter. You're not with him anymore so you need to take responsibility for yourself and move on, rather than continue to hold him in control of your happiness. He's nothing to do with you.

How often does he see the kids?
Is he paying the full whack of maintenance?

Because he should be!

Also, if he has the kids 50% of the time I can guarantee that they won't be getting a hotel style breakfast from the girlfriend every morning you just won't see her for dust

Can you consider asking him for more maintenance or going 50/50 with childcare so you can work full time?

Also check you are claiming for everything you’re entitled to:
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Why didn't they leave the original partner, then? Why the need to monkey branch? Because they're codependent and can't handle the thought of being single. So they don't go for the new person until they're sure it's going to be a relationship.

Would you be confident that someone capable of doing this wouldn't do it again?

I think you're resentful because it's unfair and its shit, the amount of money that men legally need to pay is pitiful. Could he have them any more in the week or contribute to wraparound so that you can increase your hours a bit?