Why am I soooo resentful?

[Need2moveon]

My ex cheated on me a few years ago, absolutely devastated me, never saw it coming! Roll on to now and I’m a single mum with 2 under 10. Work part time. Am overweight, skint and fed up.
my ex is swanning round with loads of money, doing his house, booking holidays with affair woman who’s now his gf and I can’t help but feel really really resentful towards him and her! I don’t want him back, far from it, but I feel like she’s now got the best version of him and I guess I’m jealous of their life. My son comes home telling me about the ace time he has there and how she makes a full on spread at breakfast time and there’s me, knackered, forcing myself out of bed and hurriedly giving my kids breakfast!!

How do I stop comparing my life? Stop focusing on the negatives ?

OW?

Don’t be daft. It’s perfectly possible for someone to réalisé that they settled for a terrible person and to move on when they réalisé they have made a mistake.

If you're seeing all his lovely new lifestyle on social media, then you need to block it off from your feeds. It's a very artificial representation of their lives.

Nice way to be supportive

I'm not talking about 'moving on'. Dumping your partner for someone else is fine. Cheating on them is not. If the original person is so terrible, then why not leave earlier? Why do you only realise how 'terrible' they are when you meet someone else who pays you a bit of attention?

It's funny how cheaters tie themselves up in knots defending their vile behaviour and codependency.

This is true. I was once the OW (I was young and I'm not proud of it) and although he did eventually leave her for me, I never trusted him and we were never happy because of this, Some people expressed surprise when we broke up after four years so I guess we seemed happy.

I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on, but have no time for the sanctimony being shown on here.

You don’t have to put on a massive spread for your kids to love you, you have that unconditionally. She doesn’t, so has to try very hard to win them over..just my opinion x

I agree, @NotKevinTurvey

It's perfectly possible to be in what you think is a happy relationship, and get caught up with someone else who makes you happier. It's wrong to cheat, but everyone makes mistakes and it's possible in this arena just like it is in any other. I've never cheated either, but I do understand that people aren't perfect and don't behave perfectly at all times.

Sanctimony indeed.

It's funny how cheaters tie themselves up in knots defending their vile behaviour and codependency

Yes, but that's not what's happening here. Some people can understand others' mistakes, some can't. Says more about the person who's saying it than about the person who cheated, and about how they feel they have the right to judge others.

Omg I know exactly how you feel. I started a thread on the same thing a couple of weeks ago. Really pissed me off how my ex ruined my life ( that’s how it felt at the time) and he’s off with his women having a great time . Your not alone x

Sure. Keep telling yourself that.

On a practical note is he paying enough child support/maintenance. You are struggling and he is swanning around/holidays and doing up house etc. The CSA could help check if you think he isn't paying enough. Some parents that do not have children with them pay very little out to help.

Other things as others have said. Don't look at their social media, it is a picture they wish to present to the world and often highly filtered. Some of the most wonderful loving relationships seen on social media fall apart - it's the pretending all is great thing. People that are secure and happy in their relationships don't have to keep announcing to the world that they are!

I don't think the cheating is the issue. Its the inbalance in subsequent parenting burden. (sorry, "joy and privilege of parenting" as my cheating ex calls it). As the OP, mine sees them 4-6 days a month, does none of the day to day juggling and is full of good ideas about how I should do X. I'm 6 years on and could not be over the cheating thing, genuinely cannot think of a single reason why I would want to be with him or be jealous of his current wife but fuck me I'm jealous of his autonomy and freedom and peace and self-determination that simply isn't possible for me bar 2 weekends every 6 weeks, at least some of which is always spent sorting uniforms and kit for the next week, tidying bedrooms etc. He was never interested in 50/50, just assumed he could fuck off and that was it. You can't force someone to parent. Regardless of maintenance, to me it is this that is the biggest thing. And people tell me that they'll know one day and I "win" in the end but its a bloody long haul and right now I'd be happy to hand them over for a good long stint just to concentrate on my own shit for once.

Perfectly normal way to feel, you get the constant grind of life and he has all the fun.
Your kids will see what you do and know that you love them.
enjoy your time when they aren’t with you. You will be happier in time.

I disagree. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He will always be a man you cannot be trusted to stand by his family, and she knows it.

Op, you are resentful because it is massively unfair, and he is a shitty dickhead.

@pixie5121

Sure. Keep telling yourself that

Obviously you know better...

When a person judges others, it says something about them. It says that they are judgemental.

You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree. It is true, though, and a very basic, simple, universal concept.

You're a mum who gets a break from her kids when they go to ex.

Your kids like the stepmum so have a happy time there; that's a plus benefit to \YOU wehen they come home relaxed and happy

Making them a good breakfast (porridge, toast + marmite, boiled egg, share a sliced apple) on their days with you is really easy and cheap and you could perfectly well do that. You get a break from that on days they are at ex.

Whether the ex and the ow are happy or not, trust each other or not, and cheat on each other or not, is unknowable to anyone in this thread, no matter how sure they may be. It also doesn’t matter, because either way it doesn’t materially change anything for OP.

if you’re unhappy with your life OP then look at ways you can improve it, and work towards doing so.

@NotKevinTurvey Many a man (or woman) will only realise that they’ve made a mistake when they subsequently meet someone who completely knocks them off their feet, and will then have a very happy life with the person that they move on to.

Spoken like a true cheat

By someone who’s never cheated. Some people here seem to think you can’t ever form a view that isn’t your own. Did none of you ever debate at university?

It’s not that I’m stuck up on my ex, it’s more that I’m in a massive funk and him appearing not to be, as his gf being so much fun, makes me
feel really inferior and I know I shouldn’t feel like that, I know that it’s great my kids like her etc but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling this…..

thanks for all the advice tho, neither are on my social media but they aren’t blocked either so things do crop up so I think it’s best I block them and get some breathing space.

@NotKevinTurvey thing is, if there are no kids in the equation, then maybe its ok (if a bit shitty) to realise that you "settled" too soon, (Though that is the basic meaning of "forsaking all others isn't it) but once kids are in the mix, if you're basically happy but have just seen a "shinier" option, which likely will be less so once the reality sets in, then I do think you should stick with your choice, We owe the kids we bring into this world the best chance of a family life that doesn't involve two homes and split Christmases, shattered finances and missed opportunities because one parent can't be in two places at once etc, wherever we can - not if we're truly miserable or abused but if its just a preference that will go away with a bit of willpower and distance, then actually I don't think its ok, no.

"Some have an affair because they fell in love with a new partner and will stay with them permanently."

• they fell in love with a new partner - possible
• they will stay with them permanently and love them permanently in the same way that they fell in love with them - not logical and very often not the case.

Just because someone runs off with someone else and then stays with that person for the rest of their days does NOT mean that their relationship is a rose garden. Relationships are complicated things, longevity does not always mean a life long love story, irrespective of how the relationship started.

If you're always skint do you have the opportunity to work more?

How often does he have the kids?

He has them every other weekend and one weekly overnight.

I work 18.5 hours and are looking to increase that when my youngest starts school in September