To feel hurt about being excluded

[BlueAce73]

My ex & I have 3 daughters, 2 are now adults & youngest is 15 & since she was 11 has lived with her Father & SM. We divorced many years ago & have both remarried, I chose not to have any more children but ex has 2 daughters with his now wife & she has a 2 sons from a previous relationship her ex & my ex are fairly good friends as they used yo work together & I know that my ex & his wife socialise with her ex & his now wife sometimes. I’ve found out from my oldest daughter that in 2 weeks a big family holiday abroad is booked for 2 weeks which includes my ex his & his wife and all 3 of out daughters & their partners & children plus her ex his wife & their kids & 2 of my close friends and their families. Although I don’t have any right to be included I feel really hurt that not only was I not told but wasn’t invite. My ex & I get on very well & I have a good relationship with his wife (absolutely no animosity anywhere) . I haven’t said anything yet because usually my ex lets me know before they go away so I expect I’ll hear imminently but I feel so upset that I was excluded but feel silly saying so to my ex as he may not have even thought about it.

Sorry OP but YABU.

This is a group of friends going away with their families. Even though 2 of the group are friends of yours, 2 others are not. Therefor there's no reason to invite you.

I don’t think you can reasonably expect to be invited on holiday with your ex and his new wife, regardless of how amicable a co-parenting relationship you’ve had or how many other people are going. They don’t consider you a friend in the sense of somebody they want to extensively socialise with - which is obviously upsetting if you felt differently, but isn’t really surprising. It would have been courteous of them to inform you that they’d be taking your 15-year-old abroad, though.

Why would you expect to be included in their holiday? It sounds like they are closer friends than you.

I know I don’t have a leg to stand on! I think it’s hurtful because my ex’s wife’s ex husband & his now wife are going with all their children (hope that makes sense!) I know they are better friends with them than with us but we do socialise together on birthdays/Christmas etc despite our kids being grown up. I just don’t know whether to mention how I feel when he does finally get around to telling me or to just leave it

You said yourself that your ex and his new wife socialise with her ex and his new wife. Your ex and her ex are also friends, They are going on holiday with their friends and children. Why would they invite you? You are no longer part of their family nor are you friends who socialise together.

YAB massively U.
Why would they invite you?

Do you know the wife's ex and wife? Think of it from their perspective. It would be a bit weird to have a relative stranger there.

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and you are well out of it

Socialising at Christmas / birthdays is very different from choosing to go on holiday together

In your shoes, I'd be a bit upset they're having a holiday with your friends, but I suppose they are all mutual friends, so I wouldn't say anything

I know all the families that are going & according to my daughter her SM’s ex is going as it will be nice for the kids to have all their parents there together. We have been away together many times for weekend breaks in UK when the children were much younger but not for a while. It does also feel a bit like it was deliberately kept from me as I have seen both of our mutual friends several times over last few months and neither of them said anything & it must have been booked for some time. I can’t help the way I feel about it but I’ll get over it.

That's a bit of a weird set up but they obviously all must get on and have more of a relationship than they do with you. It's not a slight on you, it's just the way things happen sometimes. I doubt they've purposely excluded you, it probably just occur to any of them that you would want or expect to be invited.

Your ex and his wife are going on holiday with another couple that they socialise with, and their own adult children. The fact that two of the friends used to be married is neither here nor there.

These are people who are friends and socialise together as a group. You don't socialise with those four people as a group, so you wouldn't be expected to go on holiday with them.

You need to stop thinking this is about who used to be married to who - that's not why they've been invited. It's not a 'let's go on holiday with the exes' thing.

(Did you not know until now that your youngest daughter was going on holiday for two weeks, though?! Do you not talk about that kind of thing with her?)

I asked my daughter back in Feb if they had holiday plans this year & she just said yeah think so Dad will let you know so that was that, he usually does tell me a couple of weeks or so before & that’s fine

Of course YANBU. Most people would be upset by this. Can you book a little break for yourself, a hotel with lovely walks and a pool and gym or similar?

My husband & I have already been away this year & due to go on holiday in October & I’m not sad that they’re going just bit upset that I didn’t know & we weren’t invited but I didn’t expect to be just feel bit left out

YANBU. It does sound hurtful.

Your kids would probably like their mother to be along. It's weird they haven't mentioned it at all.

I understand your hurt. The fact my ex is out there in the world without me, enjoying his life with his new partner and her children and seeing our boys cuts through me like a knife every time I hear about them. We separated years and years ago. I dont wish him ill, if anything, the opposite, I just dont think I will ever come to terms with having lost him.

That’s so sad that you feel that way, fortunately I don’t, my ex is a great father but a crap husband so not sorry about the divorce! It’s been years since I had a holiday with all 3 of my daughters because they are grown so didn’t always come so I am slightly envious that he gets to, maybe that’s why I’m hurt about the lack of invite

Did you invite your ex and his wife when you went on holiday. If not why not

Are you feeling left out or jealous?

If you want a holiday with all three of your DC and their families why don’t you tell them you’d really like it and arrange one for next year?

I get on with my ex and his new partner, but it wouldn’t occur to me to invite him on holiday with me, even if I was going with mutual friends. I think he’d be a bit confused if I suggested it tbh!

Because it was just myself & my husband but I would have done if it was same circumstances as his but that’s just my feelings I don’t expect him to think the same

So all your family are going on holiday with a couple of other friends, except you? aid find that hurtful too.
I don't think it will have seemed from their point of view as if they were excluding you, though.

It's like organising a party for a child, inviting the friend they do swimming with, the friend they do karate with etc. and suddenly you realise you've invited all the boys in the class except one.

Look at it another way - If I was going on holiday with my husband, my 3 adult children and their partners and a couple we are friends with, why on earth would I invite my ex-husband and his wife along as well?

Socialising at Christmas / birthdays is very different from choosing to go on holiday together

I agree with this ^^